Memento Vivere
by vin.fireclaw
Summary: Rising up from the ashes of their demise, Shizuru and Natsuki attempt to salvage what's left of themselves. Along with the other HiME, they attempt to navigate their past traumas without succumbing to them. Of living life while remembering one's death.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N (8/5/13)**: Went back and cleaned up a couple chapters and added mv13. That chapter still needs a lot of work but I'll deal with patching it up later since it's going to take me a while before I can even look at it again. I also changed the tag line for mv1 since it the old one sounds stupidly pretentious. What was I even thinking?

Anyway, no matter what, I'm going to finish this fic since this is my swan song to ShizNat, Mai HiME, and hopefully fanficing as well. Judging by the speed I'm going, I still probably have at least 1-2 years to wrap this all up and squeeze any other fic/fandom that I get pulled into. But I'm serious about completing this story since this is one I've always wanted to write about MH and I finally cultivated the skill and experience to write it.

* * *

**Memento Vivere:**

_**Remember to Live after You've Died**_

**Natsuki**

The first thing I saw when we were resurrected, Shizuru, was you in my arms. I remember—I can't forget, actually—what it felt like to hold you. Your strong, yet slender arms were wrapped possessively around my waist and your head was tucked beneath my chin. Even though your hair was tangled and knotted from our fight before we died, it felt so soft against my cheek. I could still smell the faint flowery scent of your shampoo over the burnt charcoal stench of the church around us. It was an odd feeling, holding you so close that I could feel your heart beat next to mine, but it wasn't a bad one. It felt nice and maybe a little nostalgic. Since my mother died, no one—well, besides you in your bursts of playful teasing—had ever gotten so close to me. It made me feel humble—human—to realize that it was me—me of all people—that's holding onto your quivering form.

But then you looked up at me with those burgundy eyes of yours. You looked so unguarded and vulnerable that it threw me off guard. My grip around you loosened. I'd never seen you like that before and suddenly everything that happened in the last few days came back to me. It also came back to you too, seeing how your eyes widened in recognition and you pushed away from me. You shrunk away from me. Before I knew it, you were standing up with your hands covering your face. You were crying—I'd never seen you cry before.

"Forgive, Forgive me, Natsuki," you had sobbed while I just stood there and stared off to the side, silently wishing that I was still holding your warm body in my suddenly cold and empty arms. You begged for my forgiveness and what else could I do but reach out to you?

"It's all right, Shizuru. It's all right," I had replied, answering your cries for forgiveness with simple reassurances. It just wasn't the time to do or say anything more and I don't know if I even could've.

After all, there's just so much between us that I didn't— and I still don't—know how to bridge the gap, Shizuru. Yet I want to, despite everything you've—we've—done to each other. I don't think that's strange, but it's definitely not normal either, this feeling of mine. Then again, what's normality for girls like us who could once materialize weapons out of thin air and summon monsters to aid us in a desperate battle to save ourselves and our loved ones? For us who had fought each other for the sake of each other? For us who had happily died in each other's arms only to be resurrected together in ruins?

Five days have gone by since that fateful day, Shizuru. Remember how Mashiro and Fumi had appeared a little after Mikoto had regained consciousness? That was after we had destroyed the Star, said goodbye to our Childs, and regrouped around Mai and Mikoto. That wheelchair girl probably figured we needed some time to collect ourselves after the shock wore off. She gave us a week to do so before all of us, the participants of the final Carnival of the HiME, were to reconvene. Remember how we all stood there with blank looks after Mashiro had spoken? It was Midori who had broken the awkward silence.

"I think that's a good idea," the self-proclaimed seventeen year-old had said. She turned towards Mashiro, "This time you'll answer everything?"

"Yes. To the best of my ability," the Chairwoman had answered in her whisper-like voice.

"That's fine then," Midori said before smiling to herself. "It'll give me enough time to finish my thesis and prepare my questions."

The rest of us had responded with our own murmurs and noncommittal agreements. Now that our burst of solidarity had faded, standing there together only reminded us of everything we had done to each other. We were more eager to lick our wounds than anything else.

And that was it: we all went our separate ways without saying another word. I didn't ask to come with you, and you didn't invite me either.

So I wandered around aimlessly after that. Seeing how Nao completely trashed my apartment, I was homeless. With all the broken furniture, shattered glass, and the bad memories that still lingered there, the place was unlivable. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attached to my apartment, but after all we've been through, it didn't seem to matter on the grand scale. I couldn't get angry about losing all my stuff, even my recently restocked lingerie collection. Can you imagine that, Shizuru? I suppose I was—and probably still am—a bit shell shocked after the whole thing. But even more than that, my priorities have changed since then. I don't know what they've changed into, but I know they've changed somehow.

So I've spent these last few days just driving and wandering around Fuuka. You know how I like being alone sometimes, away from everyone I know, and off doing my own thing. I enjoyed the solitude, or I've at least gotten so used to it that I can't function without it. Sometimes I just have to get away from everyone to remember who I am. I think you probably understand this better than most people, Shizuru, because I get the sense that you're the same way. We're both incredibly good at disappearing and shirking expectations when we want to. You're just more secretive about it than I am.

Even during these days of trying my hardest not to think, trying my hardest not to remember what had happened, my thoughts always seemed to end up on you like they do now. It's kind of scary how even the memory of you can invade my privacy. Then again, I can't blame you or my memories of you completely. It's impossible to try to go on with your life when you know that all the foundations that had once supported you have crumbled beneath your feet. After all, I am at peace with my mother's death. The First District is gone and I am no longer a HiME—the truths, the absolutes that once spurned my existence on are no longer applicable. They no longer drive me so now I really don't have anything, anywhere, or anyone to turn to except you now. You remain as the constant of my life that I have yet to really address. I suppose there's Mai but, not only does she have her own things to deal with, she isn't you. She isn't my most precious person and she doesn't need me in the same way we need each other. In these last four years, I've really become dependent on you, Shizuru. I realize that much now.

I guess that's the reason why I suddenly called you around six thirty tonight, before I could second guess myself. It was random, spontaneous, and probably the only way I could've contacted you without losing my nerves. I was standing on the side of the street in the city, getting onto my newly fixed bike, when I picked up my phone and dialed your number. I had to try twice before you picked up.

"Yes, Natsuki?" you had answered, your voice faint and weak. You sounded exhausted.

"Are you alright, Shizuru?"

"With everything considered, I suppose I could be doing better. But that's neither here nor there. Is there something you want? Are you well?"

"No! I mean, no, not at all," I stumbled, suddenly feeling nervous. "I'm doing well, I just wanted to, you know—I mean, I…I…"

"It's a shame that I am not near you. Natsuki must be wearing the cutest blush now."

"I'm not!" I exclaimed hotly, despite being guilty as charged. I was then only answered by your quiet giggles. Damn it, Shizuru, don't make this harder than it already is, I thought. Then again, if you could tease me, everything couldn't be too bad between us. "Anyway, can I come over?"

There's a pause on the other side. You're hesitant. Did I call too soon? Should I have given you more time to be alone? What should I do if you're—

"If that's what you want, you are more than welcome to. I'm living on the fourth floor of the second dormitory. Room 421."

Right, I vaguely remembered that your place got burnt down. "Great. I'll stop by soon."

"Natsuki?"

"Yeah?"

I could hear the indecision again in your voice even though you're not the type of person to stumble on words like me. "If it's not of too much of an inconvenience, can you bring me something to eat?"

"Sure. Anything specific you want?"

"I'll leave it to you."

"Oh, okay."

And that was it. Our first conversation since we were resurrected was over just like that. I didn't know what I was expecting but it just seemed sort of anticlimactic. Then again, it's not like we could have an immediate heart-to-heart conversation—spilling out all the dark secrets of our souls—the first time we talked, especially over the phone. And I suppose we wouldn't even if we were face-to-face. We're just not like that: we're both people who hold our cards a little too close to our hearts.

In any case, I stopped by the nearest Family Mart and bought two bentos. I would've gotten something better but, between my bike maintenance and the damage done to my apartment (that I'll probably have to pay for soon), I didn't have the money for it. You know how I'd rather kill myself all over again than call my father and beg for money.

I spent most of the drive to your dorm feeling odd. I couldn't stop my hands from feeling clammy even while I was driving—it was that kind of anticipatory feeling. I mean, had it really been only four days since I last saw you? It felt like it'd been years, somehow. I was also worried about you. You sounded terrible over the phone. My mind was filled with so many "what-ifs" that might be affecting you. After all, you killed hundreds of people in my name and, if you were shocked into tears when we first came back, I can't imagine how you're feeling now that you've had time to mull it all over.

In truth, I honestly didn't—and I still don't— know what to think about you destroying the First District. After all, you just did what I wanted to do. And, when I see that destruction as being separate from myself—the destruction I once dreamed of doing—it's rather frightening, the conviction we both shared, that common goal. You ended up showing me the dangers of my desire for revenge. And maybe that's why I couldn't—and still can't—blame you for it, Shizuru. Maybe that's why I could reassure you, why I instantly forgave you back when we first woke up. To forgive you was, in part, to forgive myself. To recognize your weakness was to recognize my own—it's that kind of thing. That's not to mention how the consequences, the results, of us having ridiculous powers were just as unimaginable as they were. I mean, what are you supposed to feel when your mechanical pet wolf suddenly grows six stories tall in order to do battle with another girl's snake-squid thing? Add to the fact that I was planning a double KO, the fact that it was pretty much a dual suicide and/or I had pretty much planned to kill you…the chain of events would be almost ridiculously absurd if it wasn't our reality.

When I passed through the open gates of the academy, I was reminded by what a mess this place was due to those ridiculous powers. There's debris everywhere and scorch marks from Mai's crazy attacks, as well as chunks of yet-to-be melted ice from my last battle with you. The high school building was also in terrible shape, thanks to that same fight. Fuuka Gakuen had been a warzone and it certainly looked the part.

Speaking of the fight, it felt like it never happened—like it was all a dream. It's just so surreal, yet I could—and still can—recall the single-minded determination I felt when I fought you one-on-one, face-to-face. During that moment, in that mindset, my emotion and my desire to save you matched your own desperate love. I guess that's why Duran got so big then and why he returned to his normal size after that: now that you're saved…now what? Now what are you to me? What are we to each other?

Now that I had time to think about it, the whole fight was amazing—you're amazing, Shizuru. The way you fought, the ferocious grace you possessed—somehow, during that fight, I felt like I understood you more than I had ever before. I don't know how much I buy into that silly shounen manga spiel about understanding your opponent through the trading of fists or whatever, but I know from experience that a person is most true to herself in battle. When you're fighting with your life on the line and, in our case, with our loved one's as well, you don't have the time for pretenses. I didn't have the luxury of thinking like this back then but, damn, anyone would be amazed at how you cut through my bullets using a freaking _polearm _of all things, Shizuru. But, even then, I did feel that kind of awe—at least I think it was awe—when you pulled me closer, hugging me tightly to your body before you looked at me with those sad eyes of yours. I was still operating on impulse, but I couldn't help smiling to myself, brushing your hair from your beautiful face and…and…

Damn it, why did I kiss you back then, Shizuru? It made no sense to, especially considering what I said afterwards. Honestly, it was just an impulse: I didn't do it to stop you—you had already stopped your destruction the moment you had me and—no—I didn't want to deal with all these confusing thoughts at that moment, especially before I had to meet you. Hell, even now that I'm reflecting over it, I still don't have an answer for it, let alone one that I could tell you. But, I didn't want to present to you my confused face as I got ready to meet you. You were probably confused yourself and I vowed back then, standing at the entrance of the dorm, that I would be strong for you. This time, I'd support you like you've done for me all these years.

As I walked into the building with the plastic bag containing our bentos in hand, I realized this was the same building that Mai, Mikoto, and Nao lived in. I wondered if you knew that when you chose this place, but I shrugged the thought aside as I pressed the elevator button. It's a thought for a later occasion and I needed the time to brace myself for our meeting.

When I reached your room, I noticed through the bottom of the door that the lights were out. "Shizuru, it's me. Can I come in?" I called out cautiously after I knocked on the door. When I didn't get an answer, I tried again. "Shizuru, are you there? It's Natsuki." Again, there was no answer. Finally I decided to try opening the door. "Sorry to intrude," I said as I turned the doorknob. I was half surprised to find it was unlocked. Only half because I figured you were expecting me.

What met me was a dark room. It was about seven o'clock and the late autumn sun had almost set. The room looked more dark blue than orange. As I carefully moved through the apartment, I noticed that it was a little smaller than Mai and Mikoto's place, probably given that it was supposed to be for a single person. It looked about the same as your old room, except the furniture was arranged differently and none of your belongings were here. It was like a weird déjà vu: surreal in that it looked familiar but it wasn't.

I found you sitting at the center table, your head resting on your arms. You were dressed in the school tracksuit and your hair was tied up into a loose bun. Upon closer inspection, it seemed like you were fast asleep. That would explain why you didn't answer the door. The school laptop was in front of you and the screen was dark, indicating that it hadn't been used in a while. I couldn't see clearly, but there were papers and binders everywhere: on the table and also scattered around you. There were also a lot of empty bags of potato chips, bread, and other junk food which caught me by surprise. Weren't you the one that said you disliked them, that these things ruined your "delicate digestive system?"

I didn't turn on the lights because I thought it would be cruel to wake you up like that. So I just walked up to you, carefully avoiding stepping on the papers, and shook you gently on the shoulder.

"Oi, Shizuru, wake up."

You didn't answer—you just shifted slightly and continued to sleep. I could see your face and what I saw worried me. I could tell that you looked paler than usual even without the lights being on and there were dark circles around your eyes. For a moment I considered leaving you like that but I decided that, since you asked me to bring you something to eat, I should wake you up, especially if all you've been eating was junk food these last few days. Sheesh, take care of yourself more, Shizuru!

"Come on, wake up," I said louder and shook your shoulder more roughly.

"Iya-dosu," you complained groggily, lifting your head slightly before collapsing again. Despite the situation, I had to smile. It's not often that I got to see your childish side.

"Come on," I said, persistent. "If you don't, I'm going to leave." When you didn't move, I sighed. "Fine, be that way," I said and started to get up. Before I could stand, however, your hand reached out and grabbed my arm.

"I'm awake," you replied sleepily, finally stirring. You then let go of my captured limb.

"Took you long enough."

"What time is it?" you asked as you rubbed your eyes.

"About five past seven."

"Already? I thought I just set my head down and…" you paused and stared up at me. You then smiled your trademark smile and tilted your head to the side. "Hello Natsuki," you said, fully recovering from your disorientation.

"Hi Shizuru," I replied, unable to hide my amused grin.

"You look well."

"I wish I could say the same to you. You look terrible."

"I do, do I?" you asked gamely, bringing your hand to your forehead and, in the process, brushing your bangs upwards. You then sighed, "I certainly feel that way."

"You mind if I turn on the lights?" I asked even as I walked towards the switch.

"By all means," you replied as you started collecting the papers around you. "You will have to forgive me for the mess. I have been preoccupied."

"What've you been working so hard on that you haven't been eating or sleeping properly? This isn't like you at all." When you didn't reply immediately, I grabbed a few of the loose papers from the table. "These are lists of school sponsors and previous bank loans…Shizuru?"

"I've been drafting a proposal for the reconstruction of the academy," you replied simply as if you're talking about planning a picnic trip or something equally frivolous. I stared in disbelief.

"What?"

"I thought it would be best if we started immediately planning for the Gakuen's reconstruction," you said pleasantly as if everything these last few days had been just a dream, as if you weren't affected by any of it. If I was anyone else—and if the entire room didn't scream otherwise—I probably would've been fooled by your act. You continued on, "After all, the more time passes, the harder it would be to regain both our investors and students' trust. We should act quickly and decisively and—

"Is this really worth risking your health over?" I interrupted.

"I have a meeting with the Chairwoman tomorrow."

Your deflection caused me to pause for a moment; I wondered why you had—or Kazehana had—chosen to have a meeting before the HiME one. I decided it didn't matter.

"You didn't answer my question."

You just stared at me and I'm again struck at how tired you looked. In these last few weeks, I've seen more of your expressions—your personality—than I had in four years. You turned away from me.

"It's easier to think of a solution than to be reminded why it is needed," you replied after a while, your voice whisper-soft and cracking slightly. I wanted so much to embrace you then but, now that you're awake, I was painfully aware of what and who we were.

"Oh, right," I trailed off, looking down to my feet, not too sure what to say or feel.

"In any case, may I see what you brought to eat?" you asked guardedly, breaking the silence.

"Oh, yeah, of course. Go ahead," I said and practically shoved the bag towards you.

"Ah. You bought bento," you replied conversationally, taking one of them before handing the other to me.

"It was quick and cheap."

"I see."

"And I saw that they had potato salad in them and I know that you liked potatoes so…"

"There's chicken katsu with mayo here as well."

"Exactly! Both of our favorites!" I blurted out before turning red. You smiled fondly at me and said absentmindedly:

"You're as spontaneous as usual."

Both of us instantly stiffened and your smile transformed into a look of horror. I shivered and remembered the last time you had uttered that phrase. When I looked at you I suddenly saw that crazed, broken girl in front of me. I saw your twitching, empty eyes and the same vacant expression you had when you turned around to face me in the garden: the you who had confessed to me. I saw your insane and psychotic gaze that you had on your face when you prepared to kill Nao. I saw your cool and disturbingly calm expression that you wore when I crashed into the Student Council Room. My heart started beating wildly and I realized that I was afraid of you. That I was in the same room with a mass murderer.

You looked down and all those illusions—all those terrifying memories—disappeared. You looked so small and vulnerable then. Despondent.

"Forgive me, Natsuki," you whispered.

"Just eat your bento," I replied roughly, suddenly feeling incredibly exhausted. I resisted the urge to wrap my arms protectively around myself, to bring a barrier up between you and me. I'm not sure if it was to protect myself from the sad and exhausted you who was in front of me, the crazed and broken you from a few days ago, or the kind and playful you I remembered from our shared past. All of them—all of you—unsettled me.

You just smiled sadly before you closed your laptop and set it to your side where all the papers and binders were now neatly gathered. As you did so, I opened the plastic covering of the bento, snapped the chopsticks that came with them in half, and started eating.

_I would be strong for you. This time, I'd support you like you've done for me all these years_—had I really thought that only a few moments before, standing outside of this building? It's amazing how easily my defenses and plans fell flat in front of you, Shizuru. I could talk and think big but, when it came down to what really mattered, I haven't changed enough. I was foolish to think I could confront the enormity of your love with my barely understood one. Now that I'd stopped your rampage—what's next? Now what? I can't ask you for your help like I usually do so I've just end up in this weird suspended state of wherever. I'm stuck between running away from you or sticking by you—both were equally strong impulses to me. Still, now that I was here, I had to try—you don't get anywhere by just standing there and thinking.

"Shizuru," I began, but when I looked up to face you and your half eaten bento, I saw that you were shaking, crying silently.

"I'm sorry," you said as you quietly sobbed. "I'm sorry, Natsuki. I thought I could be strong enough to face you, but I am not."

Damn it. Why were you thinking along the same lines as me?

"I feel like I should be the one to say that." My words were the wrong ones as they made you cry harder. I couldn't help feeling awkward and helpless. I was powerless in front of a crying you, Shizuru. That crying girl before me seemed so unlike the you I knew, but that only goes to show how complete the mask you created was.

Even though you hide it so well, you're just another teenager scared to lose everything she held dear, aren't you? Now that you've lost all those pretenses and airs that you once protected yourself in, you're probably feeling incredibly vulnerable. You haven't had the time to reconstruct or regain your bearings yet so you can't hide under them. And, because you're in front of me, you're further stripped of any facades you could have worn. This time, there's also no Kiyohime to call to protect you—you have no defenses in front of me. But that's okay, Shizuru—I want to see the real you instead of the mask you present to everybody. So please, let me be there for you. I wish I was better at expressing myself so I could have said these things to you back then.

Instead I got up and this time I followed my impulse to embrace you. I brought us back to the same position we died and were resurrected in. I had to fight back my urge to scream and run away—I had to push the frightful nightmares I had of you away—which only resulted in me clinging onto you tighter. You returned it with the same kind of trembling fervor, though I could feel how you seemed to fight against the embrace the same way I was. What a ridiculous situation we were in—a terrible parody of what we once were.

I don't know how long I held you, but it felt like forever. Slowly we both relaxed into the embrace. Slowly your incessant sobs lessened into hiccups before they fully subsided. And as I felt you push away from me and stand up, I abruptly said, "Why don't you go to bed? It's been a long day and it seems like you could use the rest. Everything else can be left for later."

You looked at me and, for a moment, your vulnerable eyes hardened. You almost looked like that girl sitting in the Student Council Room the day we fought: you were pretending to be composed but you seemed to be brimming with all sorts of conflicting emotions. But then whatever was holding you fell away and you nodded in agreement.

"I think that would be best. I'll just make a fool of myself if I remained like this any longer."

"You don't have to pretend for me, Shizuru," I replied urgently. "Please don't—I want to see the real you."

You smiled but I could tell it was insincere. "Thank you, however," you paused and then decided against whatever you were going to say. You then turned around and walked towards your bed. "It was good to see you, Natsuki. It's a relief to see that you're doing well."

"Yeah, same to you." I muttered. It didn't seem like we'd get any farther tonight. "You don't mind if I crashed on your couch, do you?"

My question caused you to freeze where you stood.

"You still trust me that much?" you whispered without turning to face me.

I shivered again. Your words brought back unwanted memories, dark silhouettes against the shoji screen. Images I can't figure out whether or not they were nightmares or reality—something that scared me to no end.

"Of course I do," I said roughly, wishing my words matched my feelings. "You'll never do anything to hurt me."

"Despite reality being to the contrary."

"That was different—it's different now," I said, more to myself than to you. I think I was trying to convince myself that it was true.

"Is it?"

Urgh—why was it always so all-or-nothing with you? You never played fair.

"You want it to be different, don't you, Shizuru?"

"But I don't feel any different. I would still do everything I did all over again," you replied sadly, still not turning to face me.

"But I do!" I practically shouted, causing you to flinch and finally turn around to face me. I blushed and looked to the floor. "At least, I know that this time I won't recoil from your feelings and, even though I don't understand it, I'll accept it. So you won't go that far again, and I'll stop you even if you do. So…so…if you won't be strong for yourself, can't…can't you be for me?"

After my outburst, I felt like I just wanted to sink down to the floor and disappear. Why do I always go and blurt out these weird things? My face felt so hot and I just sat there, unmoving, until I felt your cool, trembling hand against my burning cheek. You turned my face up to meet yours. It was such a light touch: it's as if you're afraid that you'd break me.

"Why are you so good to me, Natsuki?" you asked, your voice as unsteady as your hand. Your eyes were still watery and the look in them made me want to cry as well.

"I don't know," I answered truthfully. "But when I asked you that question a long time ago, you answered, 'Because we're friends'—it's that kind of thinking, maybe? I don't…I don't know."

Even though I said that, we aren't friends any longer—are we, Shizuru? We can't take that step backwards. We risked—_I_ risked everything to make this step forward. I forcefully made myself reach your level of…of…whatever this is.

"'Because we are friends,' is it?" you echoed, smiling faintly. "Yes. I suppose that is true."

We both knew it wasn't. I wanted to say something more, but I didn't know how or if I even wanted to. So I just smiled and said, "Yeah, it's a start."

Our conversation continued a little while after that. We didn't talk about anything in particular or important. We finished eating and, despite my hatred for housework, I even helped you clean the apartment. While we did that, you told me how you raided the school cafeteria for the food because none of the nearby stores were open. I laughed at how ridiculous you must've looked carrying all those plastic bags full of food out of the cafeteria. In return, I told you about how I've been staying mostly at cheap hotels and all the shady people I ran into, which caused you to chide motherly at me. Somehow, it felt almost like it used to be, back when we first met and were first getting to know each other. We were just two teenage girls joking about our lives then. At least, it made me feel like we had a chance, that we could live our lives correctly this time.

It's twelve o'clock now. I'm staring at your sleeping form bathed in the still moonlight, repeating to you all these things that I don't know how to express to your waking self. I'm repeating all of this to you and hoping somehow, in the process, the pieces will suddenly make sense and I'll see them more completely. I hope they'll give me a clue for the next step of how we can continue to build off this incredibly shaky beginning.

After all, we're alive now. We have to move on, live on, no matter the cost.


	2. Chapter 2

**Shizuru **

The first thing I hear when I wake up is you, Natsuki. From the still indistinguishable background noise and your laughter, I gather you're watching a variety show. The sound—hearing you laugh stirs something in me. Relief, perhaps? I am uncertain.

I lay in bed for a few moments and allow myself to be reoriented in the waking world. I think of nothing and am relieved to find that I have dreamt of nothing. Or at the very least, I haven't remembered my dreams. Oblivion has been a much welcomed luxury for me these past few days. Nothing can arise from nothing after all. If you think of nothing, you shall remember nothing at all.

As I get out of bed, I instinctively reach for my lavender shawl where it rests on the nearby nightstand. I find that neither it nor the nightstand is there. This is my new room, I realize as I rub my eyes. The nightstand in this room is on the right side rather than the left. I remember now that I'd left my shawl and the silk kimono I usually sleep in at the teahouse. I haven't returned there since I finished destroying the First District. I can't bring myself to think about my past actions for more than a moment without growing ill. Let alone can I go back to the place where I had…

The sound of your laughter cuts through my unhappy thoughts. Your voice has matured since the first time I met you. It has deepened, grown richer, and become fuller. As I walk towards you, I realize how much you have grown as well. The Natsuki before me is no longer the girl I met four years ago. I have watched you, admired you, and coveted you all these years and I realize now that, somehow, in the last year or so, you have grown beyond me. You no longer need me to gently guide you, to nurture you. Then again, you haven't needed me in months until barely a week ago, when I found you and Yuuki-san on that cliff. Hours before I…I…

I suppose I am a naturally unhappy person. Yet can you blame me, Natsuki? There is much cause for my unhappiness although most—if not all—is of my own engineering.

I hide all my uncertainties behind my perfected smile.

"Good morning, Natsuki," I say.

You turn towards me and I feel my heart inadvertently clench when I look into those beautiful green eyes of yours. Do you remember what I said yesterday? I meant it when I said I didn't feel any different: even when I forgot who I was, I couldn't forget you or my obsession with you. I realize now, looking into your eyes, that what I feel for you is no longer love: it is the selfish perversion of it. The word obsession is an apt fit. It is one so deep and pitiful that it would only take a word, a look, a blink from your eye, and I would collapse into myself. Oh Natsuki, do you truly not know how much power you hold over me?

"Hey," you reply. Your grin is hesitant; I sense that you see my discomfort. Since when have you been able to see through me? Have I fallen that much, Natsuki? "You look a little better than before. You sleep okay?"

"Better than the last few days," I respond truthfully. It's the first night since we were revived that I haven't had nightmares or woken up in cold sweat. Your grin widens and becomes more sincere.

"Funny, it's the same with me."

"I'm glad," I say as I sit down at the far end of the couch. I restrain myself from my usual impulse to tease you, something that I have been barely able to control. That being said, perhaps I'm not the best person to talk about self-control.

You nod and turn back to the television. I look down to my hands, suppressing the urge to fidget. I feel like I'm a child again, waiting to be punished for something I have done wrong. Perhaps I am—perhaps I am waiting for you to strike out against me. Natsuki has every right to do so and I deserve it. I deserve your scorn, your anger, and your hatred.

"I ate the yakisoba in your fridge," you say abruptly, disrupting my train of thought. I lift my head to stare incredulously at you. You chuckle nervously and scratch your head. "I mean, I remember you not liking it that much so I thought you wouldn't mind and I was hungry when I woke up so…so…"

"Natsuki," I say calmly, interrupting your rambling. I'm constantly amazed at how quickly you seem to blush, something that goes against the gruff demeanor that you usually have. It's one of the many things that I find fascinating about you. "I don't mind at all."

"Oh," you say, laughing in relief. "That's good."

"When did you wake up?"

"Around nine, I think," you reply as you glance at the clock in the kitchen. I follow your gaze. It is eleven now. "I've just been watching stuff since. I didn't wake you, did I?"

"Of course not."

"Good, because you need the extra sleep," you say as you stare at me carefully, looking for any signs of fatigue. You probably see them as my eyes still feel heavy and my body feels sluggish. You sigh, "Seriously, you should take better care of yourself."

Despite feeling unworthy of your concern, I can't help smiling in gratitude. "Of course," I reply mildly.

"I mean it! You almost gave me a heart attack when I saw you yesterday. What was I supposed to think with all that trash around you and you laying there like that?"

"That I had died."

"Shizuru!"

"Sorry," I giggle.

"Sheesh, that's not funny," you huff. You then look thoughtfully at me. "You haven't always been like this, have you?"

"Have I been like what?"

"Have you always been this," you gesture towards the trash can whose contents, until last night, had been scattered around the living room, "unhealthy. You're always telling me to eat better and clean up after myself but the moment I catch you off guard, you're acting just as bad as me!"

"It's only been the last few days. With all the stores nearby closed, it's hard to eat as one normally does," I reply patiently.

"I guess so," you say sullenly, crossing your arms. When you are like this, when you look so childish and vulnerable, it's so hard for me to control myself. My hand reaches out to you, but then I remember what my lack of restraint has caused. My hand falls to my side.

"Are you that worried about me?" I ask cautiously.

"Of course I am!" you snort before growing serious. "If I don't look after you than who will?"

How do I respond to something like that? I turn away from you without answering. Though your words yesterday gave me comfort, they are not enough to reassure me. Even though you are like this now, it is only a matter of time that you turn away from me. Promises and declarations are short term. People change: even the closest bonds are slowly worn away by the currents of time. Even parents turn into unkind strangers.

Now that I am more awake, now that I am with you, I am not too sure I want to be next to you. Your brightness only reveals the shadows and the blemishes of my tarnished, ugly self. I want to hide from you and forget how strongly I feel for you. I am alive now: my life can continue on. We are safe now: we no longer have to worry about things like death and the destiny of the HiME. You don't need me and I don't need to protect you any longer. We can move on and go our separate ways. After all, as long as I am with you, I will always be afraid of myself. This connection of ours has turned toxic and I see now that the longer we stay together, the more we will become poisoned. It took all my energy yesterday to hold myself back. So much that, even after I have awakened, I am still exhausted from the strain of doing so.

You are a kind child and that's why you are reaching out to me now. However, even your kindness has its limits. As time progresses and you have had more time to think, you will realize that your efforts are not in your best interest. I can't help thinking that, now that you have seen me at my worst, now that you know what I am capable of, you will grow to despise me. It will not be the first time it has happened.

"Shizuru," you begin softly, your utterance barely heard over the babble coming from the television.

"Eeh, that was kinda weird isn't it," a man's voice says loudly—

"I know, isn't it," a woman's shill voice agrees. The audience laughs and—

There is a hand on my arm. The grip is light, unsure.

"Is it always going to be like this?" When you say this, the expression on your face is pained, confused.

"Is it going to be like what, Natsuki?" I say as calmly as I can, hiding my feelings behind my serene expression.

For a moment you look frustrated before you reply forcefully, "This! You're holding back Shizuru. I can feel it. It's like it was before—yesterday. That nothing's changed."

"What do you want me to do?" I ask, feeling exhausted despite having just woke up. I have been on the edge for these last few days and trying my hardest to ignore what has happened previously. It's just so incredibly difficult, Natsuki, to do this—to pretend, to act normal—when you are in front of me. It is possible for me to carry on as if none of this has ever happened: it is possible for me to pretend to go back when we were both hiding our identities, our true selves, away from each other. But this uneasiness between us will always reappear and I can't—I won't, I refuse to—think of how weak is the foundation of my identity is. I shattered once in front of you. I will not do so again.

Do you know how much danger you are in, Natsuki? Every second you spend with me, you are spending it in the presence of…of…

You growl and your fist slams into the back of the couch.

"I thought we dealt with this yesterday."

"What is 'this,' Natsuki?"

You let out another frustrated noise, "This, you know," you say as you gesture wildly to the space between us. "I thought…I thought maybe we could try and rebuild our friendship. I mean, didn't you say you wanted to?

I can't contain it any longer. It's all bubbling, boiling inside of me. Barely contained, barely containable; like heat; like steam. Escaping, leaking from the edges and gaps of the barriers I have erected. I feel it all coming back to me and I can't stop it—I'm just so tired and exhausted from everything that has happened that I feel myself slipping back into that state, back into that state of mind. You're just so close, you look so vulnerable and—

It's still here, inside me, this pulsing throb, this burning sensation. In my chest, in my head, in my eyes—it's everywhere—everywhere. My consciousness is straining, my concentration is diminishing, and my will is retreating back into a haze of crimson. My throat's constricting, I want desperately call out the name of my guardian—the only one whom I trust to protect me.

Kiyohime, oh how I miss you.

My body's moving on its own. Your face is suddenly so close to mine, so close that I feel your warm breath upon my burning lips—I'm now straddling you, my palms are pressed against the wall; your head is between them; you are trapped. My breath's strained; your face is frozen in an expression of shock; you look so afraid. Your green eyes are wide with fear. Yet I am unrelenting. I will not budge. I will do things to you that you hate because you are mine.

"Tell me," I hear myself saying, "tell me if 'this' is friendship, Natsuki."

You gulp and your eyes are hazy. Are you reminiscing, Natsuki, of the events that have happened in the past two weeks? Do you see the things that I have done that haunt me in my reoccurring nightmares?

"Tell me," I hear myself saying, whispering into your ear, my lips just barely grazing your soft skin, "tell me again that you still wish to be 'friends' with me, Natsuki. You know what I am capable of. I will do everything I've done before and this time you will not be able to escape."

I am relapsing, I am falling back to what I was once before. My muscles are strained, tense. I want to lash out at something—someone. What a relief it would be to fall and stop thinking. My head hurts more than it has in days. My body's so taut like a drawn bow waiting and wanting to be let go. What a relief it would be to fall.

You're still in shock, Natsuki. So much that you are unresponsive beneath me. Are you remembering your past trauma? Reliving your greatest fears? Recalling the monstrosities I have enacted in your name? It matters not to me. I want to forget myself again and cling to you, kiss you, disintegrate into you. Tell me Natsuki, is this really love?

You are only a breath away. I only have to lean in and claim you. Yet my body will not move. I cannot breach the final gap.

"_If you won't be strong for yourself, can't…can't you be for me?"_ Those words are echoing inside of my head. They are enough to stop me.

I close my eyes. I exhale and my entire body shudders. Once again, I feel as if I am about to cry. Perhaps I am.

"Forgive me, Natsuki," I whisper, peeling myself away from you. I shift myself back to my original seat on the couch. I bring my knees to my chest and hide my face in them.

You say nothing yet I can hear your short, panicked breaths. My own breathing is also shallow; my head feels feverish. I rest my forehead against my knee, trying to cool it. It's an unbecoming posture, but I cannot help myself.

Minutes—or was it hours?—pass without either one of us moving. Finally, I hear you shuffling besides me. You pick up the remote on the table and turn the TV off.

Still you say nothing. I am not brave enough to lift my head to look at you. The room is completely silent, so quiet that all I hear is your breathing and the clock ticking.

More time passes without either one of us saying a word. I don't know how long we are like this. All I concentrate on is slowing my breath, willing myself not to break into tears.

Your phone rings suddenly. It rings again and again and once more before you finally pick it up.

"Hello," you answer. Your voice sounds surprisingly normal, if only slightly uneven. "Oh, hey Mai."

So it's Mai-san. Despite everything, I feel a surge of jealousy in me when I hear her name. Ah, I suppose I am not one to quickly change. I am an intensely jealous creature. I dislike how Mai-san has made you less dependent on me, that she was able to open you up more than I have. She is privileged with secrets that you try to hide from me. You trust her more than me, it seems. And, because of her and your involvement with her, I have seen you less this year than I would have liked.

This thinking, it's no good. It's not healthy. My head hurts.

"Eh, I'm not busy at all. Yeah, I'm nearby. What, you want me to join you and Mikoto for lunch? Um…" you pause. I imagine that you are looking at me. "Well, I'm actually with Shizuru right now. Do you think…really? Hang on, let me ask her."

I slowly lift my head. When I look at you, your head is tilted to the side; you're covering the speaker part of your cellphone. You look timidly at me and your eyes are wide, expressive, and pleading. I wonder why you are still trying so hard to reconcile with me. Even so, I am cannot deny you, especially when you are looking like that at me. I nod slowly. You smile so brightly that I almost return it instinctively.

"Hey Mai? Yeah, we'll both be there in a half hour or so. We'll see you then," you say before you close your cellphone. You then sigh and I look away from you.

Yet again is the ticking of the clock the only thing heard. I forgot how much I hated it—I had the one in my old room removed. It is much too loud.

"Say, Shizuru…uh…"

Though I can try my best to ignore the clock, I cannot ignore you.

"What is it?" I reply after a moment.

"You remember how it was when we first met?"

"Yes?"

"Like, back then, how you always tried to approach me and I always pushed you away?"

"Yes."

"And how there was this one time I even shoved you into the chalkboard?"

"I remember."

"And there was this time I actually punched you in the face for trying to hug me?"

"Natsuki later also pushed me to the ground," I respond, unable to restrain my smile. Violence aside, it was a happy memory for me, a precious one. It was the first time I realized what an interesting person you were, how beautiful your eyes were beneath your perpetual scowl.

You chuckle, embarrassed. "Yeah, I did that too. But no matter what I did, you kept trying to get close to me."

"Even though you acted differently, I could tell you enjoyed my company," I recall, remembering how the younger you had struggled to retain her cool, trying to hide the pleased smile from her face. I find it difficult not to be swept away in the reminiscing. Those were happier, more innocent days.

"Exactly," you nod, "Unlike everyone else, you stuck by me. No matter what I did, no matter what I said, you proved to me that you'd stay by my side. That you had my back. You wouldn't take 'no' for an answer."

"My, you make me sound like Takeda-kun."

"Shizuru!" you huff, looking peevishly at me. "Why do you always insist on bringing him up?"

I can't help but to feel relieved by your reaction. "I suppose it's to see where I stand in your eyes compared to him," I reply honestly. It feels so odd to be so upfront about my feelings. At the same time, I don't have anything else to lose. It feels refreshing somehow, like my shoulders are unburdened. "We both are vying for your affection, no?"

You turn red before you cross your arms across your chest. "It's different though—both of you are. Even…even now that I know you like me the same way he does, it's different," you mumble, blushing. "He's only interested in me because he likes the idea of me being his girlfriend, but he's not interested in me, you know? He never tried to approach me like you have. You care for me as a person while he's more interested in the idea of me," you finish, your face now completely red.

Oh, Natsuki. It's because you act like this that I am unable to control myself.

"You give me too much credit," I reply quietly. "What if I was just pretending to—

"That's not true!" you interrupt. "You should give yourself more credit, Shizuru. There's no way anyone would go so out of her way to befriend someone like me."

"Maybe I just liked the challenge."

"Shizuru," you plea, "if it was just that, I would've picked up on it. And," you say before hesitating, "one of the reasons why I eventually let you get closer to me was because I could tell you needed our…our…friendship just as much as I did."

I say nothing and look away. Sometimes I forget that, beneath all your blustering and bumbling, you are quite perceptive. I feel your hand on my arm. You're tugging on me—you want me to face you. I resist though I don't break the connection. You finally relent and let go. You continue speaking:

"After a few weeks or so, I noticed that you acted differently around me than you did with other people. I thought at first you were just mocking me but I realized the person you were showing me, that strange and quirky girl, was the real you. I don't know why or what you saw in me that made you trust me that much, but I was happy you did. You made me happy, Shizuru."

My vision is blurring again. I can feel the tears in my eyes. I turn my back to you. Still you continue:

"What I'm trying to say is…when I needed someone to support me, you were there. Even when I didn't want you, even when I pushed you away, you stuck by me because you knew that I needed you. So…now that it's different, when I can see that you're obviously hurting, can you…can you really expect me to do any different?

I wipe the tears from my eyes. "I just can't win against you, can I?"

You chuckle, "Same to you. I never thought I'd be saying all this mushy stuff…but here I am saying it."

It can't be as simple as this, can it? Being forgiven. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I say as much: "Are you really fine with this, Natsuki? Despite knowing how I feel…what I have done?" I ask urgently, finally turning to face you. You shrug before grinning awkwardly.

"Well, I wouldn't be here if I wasn't. I figure we could just take it slowly—take everything as it comes. It's better than just rushing or coming to conclusions—stuff like that hasn't ever helped me, you know?" you say before laughing self-consciously.

"You said something similar yesterday."

"And I mean it!" you blurt out, shooting me an annoyed look. "You're too hard on yourself, Shizuru."

"I suppose so," I say absentmindedly. You don't look pleased at my response. Your cross your arms again and glare at me. Unable to take the pressure I finally added, "Nevertheless, it's a good plan."

You grin. "Of course! I came up with it. Anyway, it's about time we go to Mai's place."

"Let me get changed first."

"Shizuru, you look fine," you said, rolling your eyes. "Mai's not going to care what you're wearing.

"Perhaps, but I do have a meeting with the Rijichou-san shortly after. I rather get ready now than later."

"Fine, go," you say dismissively. "Don't take too long."

"I won't," I assure. I stand up and walk to the bathroom where my school uniform is hanging. As soon as I get into the room, I lock myself in and sink down to the floor. I lean against the door and stare up at the tile ceiling and florescent lights.

You have given me much to think about, Natsuki, and not a lot of time to do so. I do not like this: I am uncomfortable with the pace you have set and I am unnerved by you appearing in front of me before I could think of how to face you. I will not promise you anything but…

Nothing can come of nothing. This I know; however, whatever path you wish to lead us onto…something will surely come of it.

My thoughts must now turn both inward and outward. And I am afraid, Natsuki, I am afraid of what is and what will come.


	3. Chapter 3

**Natsuki**

I wordlessly watch you get up and walk towards the bathroom. When I see you close the door and hear it audibly lock behind you, I let out a relieved sigh and sink deeper into the couch. I just realize how tense my body is. Once you left, it's like my strength's completely sucked away.

I can't believe how rough this is—our recent string of conversations is something I'm completely unequipped at handling. Even after my mother's death and everyone and their dog offering their condolences to me, I've never had to say or think so carefully about what I'm supposed to say. Back then, as long as I grunted and looked sort of sad or disquieted, people seemed satisfied and left me alone. And as I grew older, I just traded looking sad with angry glares and I was able to keep on with my solitary life. I could go weeks without speaking with another human being. Hell, back in 5th grade, the year that my mother died, I got away with barely saying a word for months.

I kind of regret it now, the not speaking bit, because I wonder if I had spoken, if I didn't withdraw from the world, I'd be better at speaking to you, Shizuru. You have to admit, you're not the easiest person to speak to on any occasion. Even when you're feeling forgiving, you still have a habit of twisting people's words around or making them second guess what they mean to say or even if they meant to say it. Sometimes you do so jokingly, but when you do it seriously, it's kind of scary. I think you're more formidable with words than you are with your Element. I mean, I'm reasonably sure I could handle you on a one-on-one fight again—I figure I got about a 50-50 chance of winning—but there's no way I'm ever going to try verbally sparring with you. You'd crush and tear me apart the way your Child did Diana or Julia. And that thought absolutely terrifies me because I can actually see you doing so.

I can even picture the smug half-smile you'd have on your face. The expression of your eyes would be so distant and calculating and your hands would be cold like they were only moments ago when you were above me—your breath impossible warm, heart beating just above mine—and you would be looming, your pupils contracted and…and—I can't stand this. These thoughts just remind me of the ones I had before, back when the Carnival was still going on—my nightmares of them—and the fact that everything you seemed to say and act confirms the worst of my suspicions. I shudder and shift so I lay on my side. I draw my feet in and hug my chest. I feel vulnerable—completely exposed. There's a reason why I hire private investigators and other shady people to get information for me, Shizuru. I can't stand being off guard. I rather be paranoid than like…like this.

This isn't normal. What have you done to me, Shizuru? Seriously, what _have_ you done to me, that I don't know? The thought scares me so much because I know, probably more than anyone else, what you're capable of. I know what lies behind those insincere smiles and half platitudes of yours.

This is way too difficult, I think as I curl myself into a tighter ball. How can I try to reconcile everything—forgive you—when I don't know what to feel? Am I suppose to disregard everything you've ever done because when you look at me with those tear-stained, beautiful burgundy eyes of yours I can't help wanting to? Am I suppose to hate you because of what you've done to me? I cover my face with my hands and sigh again.

I look up at the clock and notice that a good twenty minutes have already passed. I suppose I'm grateful that I was left alone for so long, but I'm still worried that you're taking so much time to get ready. Curiously, I stare at the door. I decide to stand up and walk towards it. As I do, I hear the shower still running. Shrugging to myself, I sit back on the couch and turn on the TV. I figure it would be a better distraction than my thoughts.

You spend a good forty minutes in the bathroom. When you walk out, I glare at you.

"I can't believe you took so long!" I grumble before turning the TV off. While I usually don't care about being on time, I didn't want eat Mai's food cold. I mean, I wanted to see Mai too of course and—

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time," you reply flippantly as you closed the door behind you.

"I don't believe that at all."

"I apologized."

"Like you really mean it. You even went and washed your hair." I shot back, pointing to your still slightly damp hair.

"I did, didn't I?" you reply airily.

"Sheesh Shizuru, do you even know the meaning of 'hurry up?'"

"It means 'to go faster,' does it not?"

"That's not what I mean!"

"Forgive me, Natsuki."

"No, I won't."

"What if I said please?"

I cross my arms, "Not even that."

"Meanie."

"Yeah, that's me. And you're still ridiculously slow."

"It is called 'going my pace.'"

"Yeah, which is slow."

Your only response to that is a broad, self-indulgent smile. As you walk past me, I smell the familiar scent of your usual brand of soap and shampoo. I wonder for a second how you managed to get them, but then I figure you probably had some in your gym locker or something. I've always like this combination since you switched to it a few months ago. Then again, I vaguely recall that you dragged me to pick it out with you. We spent hours at various stores that day because you'd opened bottle after bottle, asking for my opinion, and when I only gave you half-hearted answers, you frowned at me before I recanted and gave an honest reply. When we finally decided, you had said something like, "I'm glad my new smell is Natsuki-approved" or something just as ridiculous and intrusive. In retrospect, I suppose your words and actions are rather creepy, but for some reason I find it oddly endearing when it's you. It's just one more of your ill-befitting quirks that makes you less of the untouchable _ojou-sama_ people seem to think you are, I guess.

As I watch you collect all the papers you still had on the table, I wonder if reconciling a friendship is usually this convoluted. I mean, I didn't have any friendships before you and I suppose even if I did it would be hard to compare a 'normal' one—if there is such a thing—with the one I have with you. Still, it's exhausting how it only takes a tiny misstep to turn our normal conversation into one laced with tension and tinged with regrets.

When we try to act how we used to around each other, sooner or later it becomes apparent that we're not how we used to be and that discrepancy instantly changes the mood. But we still have to try to act normal because, well, we're in front of each other—we have to talk and when we talk we sort of remember the normalcy we once had…and then the whole thing seems to repeat once more. Are the words we say between us empty and meaningless in the face of an unspeakable, inerasable past?

Damn it, why are human interactions so difficult? I rub my temples and my movement causes you to turn your head my way, your gaze curious. I grin at you sheepishly before you give me an encouraging smile and go back to gathering your papers and putting them into your school bag. You look peaceful—completely at odds at how you were not even an hour ago. Then again, I can tell by the way you're still pinching your eyebrows together that it's a faked calm. I admit I'm not in a much better state.

Shaking that thought aside, I stand up and walk towards the door.

"If you're not ready, I'm going to leave without you," I call out.

"I'm coming," you reply without a single trace of haste. Despite what I said, I wait patiently as you amble forward, your schoolbag swinging at your side. I can't resist rolling my eyes as I shut the door behind you.

The walk to the elevator and to Mai's room is quiet. Neither of us really have anything to say to the other. Or maybe, we have way too much to say and not enough time or desire to begin it. It's feels weird to realize that I'm standing next to you. We've done so countless time over the past three or four years we've known each other and, while there isn't really any significance to the action, I can't help remembering that we were trading blows on top of giant mechanical creatures only a couple of days ago. It was only a couple days ago that we died due to my decision to kill us both. And it's only a couple of days ago that you…

"Natsuki, are you ready?" you ask, breaking my train of thought. When I come to, I realize that we're standing in front of Mai's apartment.

"Yeah," I mutter, reaching for the door as I shake my thoughts aside. It opens before my hand connects to the doorknob and all I see is a black blur throw itself at me. I stumble when the figure latches onto my body.

"Natsuki!" Mikoto shouts happily.

"Get off me," I grunt, trying my best to pry her off to no avail. The kid has strength like a wild animal and it doesn't help that I'm completely unfocused right now.

From behind, you giggle which causes me to blush and renew my efforts in trying to detach her. Finally, I give up and glare down at the grinning kid.

"I'm glad to see you, Natsuki!" she says happily, nodding her head furiously before grunting in contentment.

"Yeah, now get off me," I grumble although I'm unable to completely hide my smile. Mikoto's emotions are infectious and I'm glad to see that she's back to her normal self after everything that's happened. She still a few bandages covering her body but she seems fine overall. Just then, Mai peeks out from the doorway. She's wearing her odd yellow and pink apron and holding a ladle.

"Natsuki! And Kaichou-san," she says, bowing briefly to you. You return it. "It's great to see you both."

"Hey," I say with a grin, shifting my weight to accommodate for Mikoto's.

"It's good to see you too, Mai-san," you reply pleasantly. "I'm sorry for making you wait."

"Oh, no, not at all. Actually, you're both right on time. Right Mikoto?"

Mikoto nods empathically and finally lets go of me. "Mai's cooking ramen!" she says eagerly.

"But aren't we almost an hour late?" I ask in disbelief.

"Oh, I figured that you would be. You have a habit of showing up about a half hour to an hour later than you usually say you do."

"My, how perceptive of you, Mai-san."

Mai laughs, "Thanks. I'm sure you're used to it too."

"Yes, it is an unfortunate habit of Natsuki's," you say before both you and Mai share a laugh. Watching you two, I get a feeling of dread. You're both going to team up on me, I just know it. Maybe bringing you with me wasn't the best idea.

"Hey! You're the one who made me wait this time," I blurt out, interrupting your and Mai's laughter. "A-anyway, let's go inside," I say before grabbing Mikoto by her arm and dragging her inside with me.

"May I come in?" I hear you say behind me.

"Oh please do. Make yourselves at home," Mai returns cheerfully. I have to roll my eyes at the pleasantries the two of you are trading. Seriously, Shizuru, you and Mai sound more like gossiping wives than high school students!

As I walk into the room, the aroma of Mai's cooking hits me. It smells amazing and I'm instantly reminded of how hungry I am. The only thing I had today was the slightly stale bread I found in your room. Compared to your apartment, Mai and Mikoto's seems a lot more lived in: more familial and welcoming. Then again, I suppose that's to be expected as they didn't just move into the apartment six day ago. It's also surprisingly well stocked. I see groceries and other stuff on the countertop.

"How'd you get these?" I ask.

Mai laughs as she returns to the kitchen and she's followed closely by Mikoto. "It's a funny story."

"Is that so?" you reply mildly as you sit down at the living room table. I sit on the other side.

"Yep. Oh, the food should be done in another five minutes or so."

"Do you need any help?"

"Not at all, but thank you for asking, Kaichou-san. Please relax."

"Are you going to tell us?" I impatiently interrupt.

"Ah, right. Well," Mai turns to us with her hands on her hips and an amused smile on her face. "Would you believe me if I told you that Nao-chan's mom hotwired a car and drove us to the store on the other side of Fuuka?"

I flinch slightly when I hear Nao's name. I instantly remember the last time I saw her before she died. I cast a panicked look towards you, but you are looking off to the side. You seem strangely pensive. If Mai had seen us, she made no indication as she's already turned her attention back to the stove.

"Yuuki-san's mother did?" you echo.

"Yeah, I was so surprised. She didn't seem like the type. More like a…a perfect housewife than a delinquent, you know? It was rather amazing to watch. Inspiring almost," Mai says, chuckling to herself. "Right Mikoto?"

"Yep! The car moved without a key!"

"And how is Yuuki-san?" you ask evenly.

"She seem be doing well, I guess," Mai replies carefully. "I have to admit I don't really understand Nao-chan, but she seemed happy enough." She then laughs, "Nao-chan was so surprised when her mom broke into the car but she started to cheer her on soon enough. Like mother, like daughter, I suppose?"

"I see," you reply neutrally. I glance at you and, for the first time, I wonder how your relationship with your parents is. You never talked to me about them. Even when I finally broke down and told you what happened with my parents a year or two ago, you only comforted me and never once turned the conversation towards yourself. I can't believe I never thought to ask you either.

"But anyway, they're still living right next door. They're gone right now though, I think. Heard the door open a few hours ago."

"Do you speak to them often?" you ask.

"Not really. We went shopping together two days ago. Yuuki-san just knocked on our door, thanked us for looking after Nao-chan, and asked if we wanted to go shopping with them. Before that and since then, we've been keeping mostly to ourselves."

"I'm afraid it's mostly the same for me."

"Well, we did go see Yuuichi and Shiho-chan a few days ago too," Mai rambles on, "Anyway, what about you and Natsuki? How long have you two been together?"

Her question suddenly causes you to flinch. The pause is so out of place that Mai turns around immediately.

"I came to visit Shizuru yesterday," I say quickly, shooting a glance to you. By then you've recovered enough to shakily add:

"That is correct. It is a recent development."

You still look pale and I have to wonder what kind of stray thought could have brought that look to your usually perfectly controlled face.

"So…so…yeah, that's how it is." I mumble while nervously twisting the ends of my hair with my hands. When I look up I see Mai looking at me questioningly; her expression is somber. She's probably remembering the conversation we had the night before I died. Even though I didn't tell her the exact details, she probably pieced everything together. I continue to fidget as everyone in the room remains awkwardly silent.

"Mai, the water's boiling," Mikoto says, causing Mai to jump.

"Ah," she exclaims as she scrambles to fix her mistake. As she does, I turn back to you. Your gaze is distant and faraway—your expression is unreadable. When you catch me watching you, you offer me a sad and embarrassed smile.

"Sorry," you whisper almost inaudibly.

I give you my best comforting grin which probably looked more like a painful wince. So I just lean over the table and pat you on the head. I've never done anything like that before so the act causes you to blink before you smile brightly at me—your first real smile in a long time.

"Well, the noodles might be slightly overdone, but everything else's fine besides that," Mai interrupts. I shot up in surprise just as do you. Luckily, her head was still turn away from us.

"D-Do you need help?" I ask, hating the fact that my voice is still shaky.

"No, no, please stay where you are. Mikoto can help me, right?"

"Yep!"

We both sit down as Mai and Mikoto carry our bowls to us. We wait until they're seated to begin eating.

"Mai-san, this is amazing," you say.

"Mai's ramen is the best," Mikoto replies proudly between mouthfuls.

"That it is," you affirm.

"Eh-heh, thanks," Mai laughs embarrassedly.

"Did you put anything special in it?"

"No, not really, it's my mother's recipe though. Her family owned a restaurant and she would always say stuff like, 'Cooking is about dedication and love!'…that kind of thing,'" Mai says while laughing fondly.

"She would?"

"She died years ago."

"Oh." You pause before replying carefully, "I'm sorry for mentioning it."

"No, it's fine. I've gotten over it. It's just…" Mai trails off, looking conflicted. This time, you're able to quickly recover the conversation and smoothly ask:

"What are you planning to do today?"

"Nothing really," Mai responds, relieved for the diversion, "I thought it would be nice to talk to Natsuki—and you—before tomorrow, you know?"

"I understand," you say with a smile. You then politely bow, "Thank you for always taking care of her."

Mai scratches her head before returning the bow. "Oh, no, no, it's nothing. She's been a great help this year, really." Looking at me, she then smiles playfully, "She's a good kid—if only a little rough around the edges."

You sigh playfully in agreement, "She can be quite difficult."

"Right? And she—

"Hey, don't talk to me like I'm not here," I interrupt loudly, causing both you and Mai to giggle. I sputter before pointing accusingly to Mikoto, "Don't put me at that thing's level!"

Mikoto only looks up from her bowl of ramen, still linked to it by the cascading noodles in her mouth. Her confused expression alone sends the rest of us into full blown laughter. For some reason, there is a welcomed relief in that laughter. But before it can even subside, Mai suddenly blurts out:

"It's over, isn't it?"

You quietly set down your chopsticks. "I don't know," you say.

"But it has to be! The Star is gone from the sky—we destroyed it!" Mai presses on, her voice growing desperate. "Everything's destroyed—gone. Our marks and everything!"

"We will find out tomorrow from the Rijichou-san."

"I just can't…I can't imagine having any more to do with it, the HiME…haven't we done enough?" Mai pleas. She's obviously been thinking about this for a while. To be honest, I've been so caught up with my thoughts about you and me that I haven't even considered what Mai's saying. I mean, to think that it wasn't over, that the nightmare was still going to continue—that's just unimaginable. I don't know if I would be able to take it.

"For now, I think it's best to focus on what is in front of us," you reply softly, looking up at me. Your smile is strangely poignant. "Everything else can wait."

"It's just so strange—I thought I would be happy now that everything's done. But I just feel nervous, like I'm waiting for more bad things to happen, you know?" Mai continues on. "Like, how are we supposed to get on with our lives after everything? The entire time Nao-chan wouldn't look at me. And Yuuichi…Shiho-chan…" she breaks off, trembling.

You put your hand on Mai's shoulder. "It will take time," you offer vaguely. Mai nods and you retract your hand. She smiles helplessly.

"It will take time," she echoes before looking up at the clock. She then quietly says, "Mikoto, you should go to the hospital now."

I notice that Mikoto is the only one who has finished eating. I realize she has been waiting for Mai to excuse her.

"Ani-ue is expecting me," the kid says dutifully.

Hearing Mikoto refer to Reito, I suddenly jerk up. "What about that guy?" I say roughly.

"Yes. How is Reito-san?" you add.

"He went into a coma right after the fight and just regained consciousness two days ago," Mai replies. She hesitates before she adds, "Mikoto's been visiting him everyday though I've only gone once."

"That is understandable," you say comfortingly. Even so, I notice that your tone has hardened. It's almost reminiscent to the voice you spoke in before our battle. "Will you be going today, Mai-san?"

"No, I don't think so," Mai says, her expression conflicted, "not now, anyway."

"I'll go," I say impulsively, causing both you and Mai to turn towards me. "I can give you a ride if you want it, Mikoto."

Mikoto looks warily at me before she finally nods. "Okay."

"Will that guy mind?"

She shakes her head and only says, "Let's go," before walking to the door. I follow her.

"Kaichou-san, do you want to go too?" Mai asks cautiously.

"I unfortunately have other plans. I will be meeting the Chairwoman in an hour."

"Oh…well, until then, you're welcomed to stay here."

"Thank you. If you don't mind, I will do so."

"We're leaving now," I call out from the door. You turn towards me and smile. It is not a happy smile and it instantly makes me nervous.

"Goodbye Natsuki," you say. "Tell Reito-san I thank him for his information. It was very useful."

What you said and the way you said it causes my mind to reel. So much that I visibly recoil. Mai looks just as taken aback and I get the feeling that neither one of us registers your more cheerfully goodbye to Mikoto. There's only one way to take your words, especially in light of the events of the Carnival. I know you're referring to the First District and, even more, I wonder why you're saying it now, especially when I'm not in a position to reply. Steeling myself, I mutter my own goodbyes and slam the door behind me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Shizuru**

"That was cruel of you," Mai-san says, long after you have left. She has been staring at me since then while I simply continued eating. I am still unsure of what to make of her, especially her relationship to you. Even more, I wonder how much she knows of us, Natsuki. How much have you told her? It is clear that she knows the connection between me and the First District and yet she still sits in front of me so calmly and has enough nerve to accuse me.

I glance up and favor her with a smile. "I know," I reply.

"Then why did you say it?" she instantly retorts. There's a protective edge to her words and I am both jealous and relieved at the same time. You have made a good friend, Natsuki.

"She is easily distracted," I reply calmly, deliberately setting down my bowl, "and Reito-san would exploit that. I made it difficult for him to do so."

My words seem to confuse Mai-san. It takes her a while to fully comprehend. "What do you mean?" she finally asks. I choose my next words carefully.

"Natsuki has been unsure of herself lately and because of that she is easily thrown off. If she meets with Reito-san while in that state, I am sure whatever he says will confuse her more. My words…I simply focused her. Reminded her of the situation."

"But she's worried about you!" Mai-san interjects.

"I know."

"And that…and saying that will only cause her to worry more," Mai-san says before sighing deeply. Leaning back, she says after a brief pause, "Natsuki thinks a lot about you."

"I know," I say again flatly, refusing to show any emotion. Folding my hands in my lap, I then reply, "And you were cruel too, Mai-san, with your calculated phrasing."

I was alluding to a while ago when she had asked whether you and I were "together." Her phrasing had been simple enough to slip by you, Natsuki, as you are unaware of such things. I am not.

She instantly realizes what I was referring to and laughs nervously. "I'm caught," she says, tapping herself on the forehead with the tips of her fingers. "You can't blame me for being curious about you and Natsuki though."

"It is none of your business," I state coldly. Though the knowledge of my despicable love for Natsuki is known to many by now, I refuse to allow it to become common knowledge. For a simple girl like Mai-san to approach me about it, I…I won't stand for it.

"But it is my business," she says with enough force to surprise me before she pauses and looks off to the side. The look in her eyes is vulnerable. She is reminiscing. "It was barely a week ago when Natsuki found me in the classroom. Yuuichi had just…and Chie and Aoi-chan had taken the last train. I was all alone didn't know what to do with myself. She found me and we just talked. Mostly it was about little things, but she did open up to me. She told me about you."

I can't help my heartbeat from rising. I squeeze my fingers tightly into fist before my grip lessens slowly. There is no point in losing my cool now, I think as I keep my face from revealing the feelings that are rippling inside of me. I instead smile and say flippantly, "I hope it was all good things."

Mai-san slowly turns back to me. The gaze in her eyes is cautious and she is clearly debating with herself about whether or not she wants to speak. I take advantage of that. Before the first word leaves her mouth, I interrupt:

"Mai-san, what drove you to participate and win the Carnival?"

My abrupt turn of the conversation stuns her. Despite her desire to continue with our original topic, she still instinctively responds to it:

"My feelings for Yuuichi. Knowing everyone else's reasons for fighting. I just wanted to end everything."

I ignore the latter part of her conversation and instead focus on the second half "Your feelings for Tate-kun?" I echo.

"I never wanted to fight. I really didn't," Mai-san says empathically. "But I thought, for him, I should be strong and move forward."

Her words relieve me. In some way, I know I can use them, twist them in a way to hide myself from blame. Natsuki, I am a despicable person.

"So you agree," I say softly, "that one must do everything for her most precious person."

"No!" Mai-san says strongly, slamming her hands down on the table. It takes me a moment to recover from the shock; I had not expected her to disagree. "No, that's not it," she reaffirms. "I thought it was but when I heard Takumi say that I was a burden to him and I saw how Shiho-chan and Yuuichi were…I think I realized that it's not just my feelings that matter. I've been thinking that it's not just a person's feelings that count, but everyone's, you know?"

I really am a despicable person. The contrast between me and this girl is far too large and far too apparent. What am I supposed to say in the face of her, Natsuki? You who I selfishly gave myself to, dedicated myself to…what am I supposed to do now? The problem is that everything still continues, we still live on even after our deaths. I know not what to with myself. I have not planned for this. The strings of my tightly wrung plans and logic continue to unravel. I have not planned for this.

Mai-san continues to speak. I know she is not speaking to me as much as she is speaking to herself. She has been deliberating about this for a long time, likely since Reito-san's defeat, and needs to finally say the words she has been thinking out loud. I allow her to simply because I did not have the means to stop her.

"When Yuuichi disappeared, I thought it was all over. With him and Takumi dead, Mikoto with Reito-san, and everyone else gone, I thought I was all alone. But Natsuki was there and I realized that we're all the same, you know? The HiME…we all want to protect what's important to us. No matter who we are, we have these feelings. These feelings that don't just make us HiME, but human too. I realized then that it's not just the person that's precious to us, but also these emotions. That's why I was able to summon Kagutsuchi…it's like the Chairwoman said, the source of our power is really our feelings. Therefore we have to understand and respect everyone's."

My eyelids flicker and I run my fingers slowly across the edge of the table. "Perhaps that is so," I say quietly, "however, if Tate-kun or your brother was in danger once more, would you not fight for them? Would you not save them, even if it's from another HiME?"

"Of course I would!" she replies. "But—

—at that point, whose feelings supersede whose?" I interrupt, making sure to keep my voice steady, calm, and clear from accusation. "Are your feelings more important than another person's?"

"I never said that they were!"

"So you would allow them to die again, Mai-san, because you lack the initiative to protect them?"

"No! Being…being able to protect them doesn't mean I have to fight."

"Yet if your opponent wishes for a confrontation, would you not be forced into one?"

"But that doesn't mean I have to hurt them—there's always a different way."

"And yet, if you choose to remain passive, it would only take a moment's surprise and you would once again lose everything. Would you want that?"

Mai-san sputters before falling silent and I know that I have trapped her. I have knocked her from her pedestal. While I take no pleasure in the act, I cannot help the feeling of relief wash over me. I pick up my bowl again and continue eating the now cold noodles.

"No, I wouldn't want that," Mai says finally after a long silence. "But why should we expect that to happen again?"

"Why should we not?" I counter quickly before smiling levelly at Mai-san. I find a strange sort of comfort in speaking as I know I can hide more in words than I can in silence. "In truth, you are afraid of the idea of the Carnival continuing because you fear you will once again have to compromise your feelings. You're afraid that the wisdom that you have struggled so hard to find is false and that the future you have chosen is the worst possibility. In fact, have I not already proven you wrong?"

"T-That's not fair," Mai-san stutters and I know that I have won. She looks close to tears and I feel a pang of guilt in my chest. Even so, I remain firm. I rather have it this way than any other alternative. While I'm…I'm—am I really regretful of my actions? Didn't I say to you, Natsuki, that I would do everything all over again if I had to? If that is true, than I don't deserve your forgiveness. I shouldn't have asked for it. And yet, those tears of mine, when we were first reborn…those were my true feelings. I was truly regretful, back then, of what I had done. Yet the more I think about it, the more I continue to look over my actions, I can't find an alternative to what I had done. What does that mean for me? Of me?

Am I a sociopath? A heartless mass murderer? Am I only using you—or did I only use you, Natsuki, as an excuse to indulge in my darkest fantasies?

I didn't want to think about this, but you have made me, Natsuki. You have made me think back to the Carnival and I must remember all the blood I have upon my hands. The destruction that I have wrought in your name. My single-minded devotion to you…it still exists in me and yet I can't help questioning it now. It seems both absurd and yet the most logical, natural thing to me. Where does this thinking lead me to? What does this mean of me?

I can't stand this. I close my eyes and set down my bowl, "I'm sorry, Mai-san," I say quietly, "it was wrong for me to say those things to you."

She says nothing and only attempts to discreetly wipe away her tears. I admit I am close to crying myself. The pattern continues, Natsuki, of what happens to us after we were resurrected. No matter where I turn, I always return to this ugly reflection of myself. Even more, I can't even keep the easiest of facades from falling in front others. What am I to do with myself? It's strange, isn't Natsuki, how easily I can fall. This person, this Fujino Shizuru, she is nothing.

I stand up from the living room table, taking care to smooth the creases away from my skirt. "It is perhaps best that I leave," I say. As I turn around, Mai-san catches the sleeve of my blazer.

"Wait," she says, tears still in her lilac-colored eyes. I tense my arm and try my best to resist the impulse to break free from her grasp. Perhaps my urge to completely destroy my reputation has not completely left me as it had before.

"What is it, Mai-san," I say quietly, trying to still my shaking form.

"We're not done with our conversation," she says. As I look down, I only see the crown of her head. She is not looking at me.

"You still wish to speak with me?" I say, unable to hide the wonder and confusion in my voice.

"You love Natsuki, don't you?" Mai-san asks point blank.

I sigh and sink down to the floor. She too sits back down. I have been trying my hardest to avoid this question for most of my high school life. Yet when it finally comes, I can only nod and helplessly concede:

"Yes. I love her."

"I see," she says quietly. "Is that why you said all those things before?"

"If it is for her sake, I would do anything. Even now, I would give my life for her," I admit without any hint of emotion. I feel drained. Remembering the last time I had spoken these words out loud reminds me of those feelings and the sheer desperation that was once behind them. It feels like a lifetime ago even though it's barely been a week. Despite that, even now, I have to wonder if my crazed self is truly gone or if it was merely banished back into the shadows, waiting to reappear at a second's notice. I morbidly wonder what it would take for me to break once more. It would not take much, I think.

"She knows, doesn't she?"

"How can she not?" I say, laughing sadly, and willing myself not to cry. It's strange, isn't it Natsuki, how I once thought myself impenetrable. I once thought, from my position as a school idol of the most prestigious school in Japan, that I was unshakable. And yet, it only takes a single person, a single thought of you, and I'm reduced to this quivering heap of nothing, Natsuki. And I have to ask, now that we are both alive, now that I have the privilege of thinking clearly, are you truly that special, are you truly worth all this pain?

"And she doesn't…"

I suppress the urge to bite my lip and, instead, turn my head away from Mai-san's now overly concerned, overly motherly gaze. I refuse to speak another word— I don't want to admit out loud the fact that our "likes" are different, Natsuki. Because saying it would likely confirm what I have always feared, always known. Even more, it's reminds me too much of back then, when I had spoken it. It reminds me of the time, the mentality that I had, and that night…

And yet, despite all I have done, you still sacrificed yourself to stop me. You, the person who I once believed to know better than you did yourself, did not hate me even after all I have done to you. Despite knowing the monster that I am, you still fought and chose to stay by my side.

"Kaich—Shizuru-san, I'm so sorry," I hear Mai-san say. Even though I had not spoken, I suppose my reaction had been clear enough. "I just thought that…"

I keep my gaze fixated upon the kitchen countertop, choosing not to respond to the first year student's apology. I don't trust my voice or my mask. If I break the silence, I myself will break.

Minutes pass without anyone saying anything. My breath is deep and forcefully slow. As I regulate my breathing, the rhythm steadies. I slowly regain my control. After a while, I allow myself to turn back only to find that Mai-san is looking away from me. The expression in her eyes is far away. I now allow myself wonder what kind of answer she had originally expected from me. Did she truly believe that a happy ending could exist for someone like myself? For someone who has carried the burden of a love that will forever remain unrequited? I close my eyes and recall the tanka I have long since memorized:

"Oh, I wish my life would just end,  
If I continue to go on living, the love that I have kept secret  
will become known to my embarrassment."

How many times have I repeated those lines to myself, fearing the same would happen to me? And now it has come to pass and not even the dignity of death can save me from this embarrassment and sorrow. Still, despite everything I want to do, I have to continue on because that is what you asked of me, Natsuki. You asked that I would be strong for you and, in the face of any of your requests, I will always answer "yes." Because you still want me at your side, I will do my best to do so.

I allow myself to sigh. Taking a deep breath, I compose myself.

"Mai-san?"

She looks slowly up at me, studying my face carefully.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Natsuki no longer has a place to stay," I say quietly. "Her apartment was wrecked by Yuuki-san."

Mai-san nods in understanding but says nothing. I thus continue:

"She does not have the funds to rent another place and she…she cannot stay with me."

"You want her to live with me and Mikoto?"

"I would not impose such a thing onto you."

"But you are implying it, aren't you."

I stare directly at Mai-san and bluntly say, "Yes."

"Why?"

"More than ever, Natsuki needs people to support her. And I…I no longer can."

It's more like I no longer have the right to, Natsuki. Even more, I do not trust myself next to you.

"Isn't that Natsuki's choice?"

"You know how Natsuki is, she would never ask."

"So you will for her?"

"Yes."

Mai-san crosses her arms and ponders, "Well, if Natsuki's okay with it, I don't have a problem—I mean, Mikoto always ends up on my bed so Natsuki can sleep in hers. But," she looks up at me, "is this really okay for you?"

"It's not about me."

"Mm, isn't it though?"

Mai-san's directness is startling, even to me. Then again, perhaps it is this quality that allowed her to become close to you, Natsuki. I can't help smiling in the face of it, "Perhaps. I always want the best for Natsuki," I reply candidly.

"I'll ask her, but the decision is ultimately up to her."

"Thank you, Mai-san. I am obliged to you."

"Still, you say that Natsuki needs people to support her. But who will support you, Shizuru-san?"

I tilt my head to the side and smile brightly. "Are you offering, Mai-san?"

She blushes and waves both of her hands erratically at me, "Uh, no—no, not that. It's just…"

"Thank you, Mai-san, for your concern," I say as I stand up, picking up my school bag. "In any case, I'm already late for my meeting with the Chairwoman. I should get going now."

"Really, Shizuru-san, take care of yourself," Mai calls out as I open the door.

I don't want to hear that from you," I say without turning back. I close the door behind me.

As I walk out of the dormitory, I feel the crisp autumn air on my cheeks. I have to shield my eyes from the brightness of the afternoon sun. As my eyes slowly adjust, I see the wreckage around me, the broken buildings and scorched grounds.

Breathing in the cold air, I slowly relax and cool my burning mind. I know not how to fix myself, Natsuki. However, everything around me is within my power and capabilities to do so. If I must start somewhere, I suppose I will start there.

I walk towards the Fuuka Gakuen's Library.


	5. Chapter 5

**Natsuki**

I can't believe this at all! Seriously, Shizuru, what the fuck are you thinking? Are you even thinking? The more I focus on your words, the angrier I become. I thought you were trying to fix things between us, Shizuru, that you wanted to mend everything between us as much as I do. But then you take of all that and throw it in my face! You purposefully remind me of what you've done and make it impossible for me to forget everything. You force me to remember how you were when you killed Haruka, how broken, how insane you were, and how I am partly responsible for your descent.

Urgh, am I suppose to believe the you that looked up in tears at me, asking to forgive you—or the one just now that obviously showed no remorse for what she's done? You want me to tell that guy what? That you were fucking _grateful_ for the fact he made killing hundreds of people easy for you? That you enjoyed killing them?

What more, I think as I punch the down button on the elevator, you want me to associate you with that guy. Mai had told me about him, about how he's the one who orchestrated the entire Carnival mess. The way you said it makes you sound like you were in league with Kanzaki. Urgh, were you? I don't know what unnerves me more, the fact that I could almost believe that or that the idea is strangely fitting. I never believed in that ridiculous rumor about how you two were a couple, but I have to admit the effectiveness of your two working together is uncanny. The two of you truly are the strongest President and Vice President in the history of Fuuka Gakuen. I'm not stupid enough to think that you actually did conspire with him, but the fact that you knew about him and never said anything about it is just…That's just…that's just…

Damn it, how can you do this to me, Shizuru? I trusted—I want to trust you and keep on trusting you and you just…you just keep throwing it in my face! I don't know you, I don't understand any of your sides.

What am I supposed to do, Shizuru? What do you want me to do? I—

"Natsuki."

"What?" I yell, spinning around to glare at Mikoto. She stares at me unflinchingly.

"We're on the first floor."

I blink and realize that we were. Growling to myself, I stick my arm between the closing doors before stomping out of the elevator.

Being aware Mikoto's presence did lessen some of my anger, but I still can't wrap my head around all of this. Shizuru, I don't understand you at all! And that…and that—that's my fault, isn't it? I never really tried to understand you before. I just thought you were an odd girl, a…a friend that I could depend on who sometimes liked making off-colored jokes. I didn't want to see, I chose not to see your own problems, your own worries, and how you slowly became more and more obsessed with me until it was finally far too late.

I stop in the middle of the first floor lobby and run my fingers through my hair. I stare blankly at the ceiling.

I'm not in the right mood to drive. I've crashed way too many times in the last few days and I'm in no hurry to do so again.

"Sorry Mikoto, can you give me a minute?" I ask.

Mikoto nods and stops walking. I move to a table in the middle of the lobby and plop myself down on a nearby chair. I need to calm down, I need to stop thinking about all of this. I sigh before laying my head on my arms.

"Ani-ue told Nagi to tell Shizuru," Mikoto says after a while.

"What?" I snap, looking up at her. She is standing in front of me.

"Ani-ue told Nagi to tell Shizuru the location of the First District," she repeats blankly.

I look up at the kid and she continues to stare at me with her bright yellow eyes.

"How do you know that?" I ask accusingly as I sit up. Call me single-minded—I don't care, I probably am—but I'm still too angry to fully wrap my head around what Mikoto is saying.

"I was there when Ani-ue told Nagi," Mikoto replies. Shifting her weight from foot-to-foot nervously, she then adds, "We saw the entire thing."

"The entire thing?" I repeat again before I narrow my eyes, "You mean everything that happened in the garden?"

Mikoto nods before she sits down in a chair next to me. Her impassive expression has melted into something more unsure. "Ani-ue was the one who told Haruka and Yukino where you two were."

I feel my anger rising again. My hands close into fist before they shakily open. I realize half a second later that I was trying to summon my Elements. Shaking that impulse and the empty feeling aside, I say brusquely, "You mean he set up the whole thing?"

Mikoto's expression becomes less and less sure. Even in my anger I realize that she likely is in the same position as I'm in—she's just as conflicted. "Ani-ue wasn't himself—he was being possessed," she says, half-pleadingly, like she was trying to convince herself that it was true.

I know it's not Mikoto's fault, I know that she had very little to do with the situation, Shizuru, but I still can't help feeling defensive in front of her. I feel so boxed in—claustrophobic. As all this new information surrounds me, they suffocate me and trap me inside them. I know I can spend hours mulling about what she said, about how these things affect what I know and feel. But I can't afford that right now so I instead concentrate on the kid and her words and channel my energy to focus on the current conversation.

She corrects what you said to me. You made it seem like you and that guy were conspiring together, but she tells me it's not true. I remember the you that I saw that night, that completely broken and lost girl. You had…you had sworn do destroy everything I hated and, if that guy saw that…and then he took advantage of you and gave you the information then…then…

It's his fault then! He manipulated us, he played us like dolls! I feel my anger slowly shifting from you and towards Kanzaki. If what Mikoto said was true, that he was playing us, watching us, and that he used our relationship against us, than when I see him I'm going to gut that smug bastard. Possessed or not, it was his knowledge that ruined us.

"So what, he's still responsible." I growl as I slam my fist into the table. "He turned us all against each other. He manipulated us!"

Mikoto, likely sensing my intention, leaps out of her chair and grabs my arm with a vice-like grip. I instinctively bring my free hand up and point it at her face. I realize once more that I had tried to summon my Elements to no avail.

"I won't let you harm Ani-ue," she says, her voice dangerously quiet. "It's not his fault."

I glare hotly at Mikoto. If I had my Element, my finger would be on the trigger. As I don't have it, I instead curl my hand into a fist. It's when I stare brazenly back at Mikoto that I remember the first time we had met and our fight on the bridge. I've always grudgingly acknowledged her strength since then. Even so, my first impulse was still to treat her more like a rabid animal that a human. It didn't help that she usually acted like one, but then again, when I thought about it, her emotions were probably just as complex as my own. She did, after all, spend most of the school year learning and trying to differentiate between different emotions. I had used this fact to stop her from attacking Mai barely a week ago.

As I continue to stare at her, I think back to the words she said earlier and how she said it. I wonder how much she has thought about her situation. Mai told me a few things about Mikoto and Kanzaki Reito here and there but the implications finally dawn on me. That guy had being using Mikoto during the Carnival and her erratic actions back then were the result of how torn she was between her loyalty to Kanzaki and her love for Mai. That's probably why she tried to console me with that information earlier. She too is trying to make amends.

I sigh heavily and look up at the ceiling. This entire thing is so screwed up.

"Sorry, Mikoto," I say, lowering my hand.

She nods slowly before she releases my arm. She then sits back down and, as I watch her, it strikes me how odd it is to see her like this. She's like a completely different person. She's also missing the sword case she's always carrying. Looking at her, Mikoto seems so incomplete without it, like she's missing part of herself. Then again, I suppose we've all lost part of ourselves after all that's happened.

"Everything's just so crazy I don't know what to think about it," I say out loud, more to myself than to her. Mikoto grunts before she swings her legs back and forth.

"Mai says so too," she replies.

"What do you think?"

Mikoto looks up, surprised at my question. I guess she's not used to people asking for her opinion.

"I don't know," she says finally. "I'm glad that it's over. I found Ani-ue and he's getting better. But Mai's always quiet now. Everyone's sad. The school is empty and Ranma and Miike are gone too."

"I see," I say quietly. Glancing sideways at Mikoto, I realize that made she could give me insights into you, Shizuru. After all, she too fought and killed in the name of someone else.

"Hey Mikoto," I begin. She looks up at me expectantly. "You love Kanzaki don't you?"

"Mm," she grunts.

"Is that why you killed Tate?"

She hesitates before she replies, "Ani-ue told me to do so. I have to listen to him. That's what Oji-chan told me."

"So you did it because you were told?"

Mikoto is hunched over now, like she's trying to curl into herself. "Mai says that I should do what I think is right. But that's different from what Oji-chan and Ani-ue used to say. But Ani-ue doesn't talk to me much and I haven't asked him. Fighting makes me sad, but I'm also supposed to be happy because Ani-ue is depending on me. I don't understand."

I blink and try to follow Mikoto's logic, "You have to listen to them?" I question.

"That's what I was taught. But Mai says that's wrong. But Mai also doesn't want to see Ani-ue and she doesn't like to talk about what has happened. I don't know. Not at all."

"Uh, I see," I reply, scratching my head. This isn't getting anywhere and I don't know what to say. It's getting more and more apparent that Mikoto didn't act on her own will during the Carnival. She's obviously fighting her brainwashing that made her that guy's loyal pawn. I want to yell at her, tell her that she shouldn't be listening to that guy at all, but I feel myself stopping short of doing so. I mean, what right do I have of interfering in Mikoto's affairs? I can't even handle my own problems—there's no way I'm going to try dealing with other people's. There's no way I'm going to even attempt to play the therapist, Shizuru. I'm no good at these things like you are. And that worries me: if I can't even handle Mikoto, how am I suppose to handle you?

"Um, Mikoto?" I finally say awkwardly.

"Mm?"

"I honestly don't know what do either."

"Oh," she replies, downcast. I fidget awkwardly before I add:

"But you know, I think it's important to think for yourself. It's bad if you rely too much on others."

"Why's that?"

"Uh, everyone has their own problems, you know? If you expect too much out of someone, you're bound to be let down and you put them in a bad situation too." I pause for a moment before I add, "Still, I think it's good to talk to them and make them understand you. That way, you can all be on the same page."

It's weird, Shizuru, the words that are coming out of my mouth. I can't believe I'm having this conversation or the fact that I've let it go on as long as it has. If it was a couple weeks ago, I probably would have impatiently brushed the entire thing aside. I suppose I know better now. Trying to balance out two people's feelings should never be on the top of giant mechanical monsters or during a fight to one's death. Who knows when I'll die again, but I swear—I promise you—that I won't let myself be so ignorant again. I'll be—I'll make myself be more considerate, Shizuru.

Mikoto stares at me for a little while longer before she says, "Natsuki sometimes says wise things."

"Hey! What do you mean by that?" I retort, playfully swinging my fist at her. She effortlessly dodges. The smile on her face is almost reminiscent of her old self.

"Natsuki, thank you," she says seriously. I shrug my shoulders and stand up.

"Yeah. Anyway, let's get going," I say as I start walking towards the front door.

Once we get to where my bike is parked, I hand Mikoto my spare helmet. When we get onto it, I'm surprised that my body initially fights the kid's touch. She isn't clinging onto me the way you do or the way she does Mai—her grip is actually really light—but it feels different enough that I can't help shifting uncomfortably. I suppose you can't blame me as I'm not really used to being in close contact with others. I shake that thought away and, after I ask Mikoto if she's ready, we set out.

I purposefully take the slower route into the city, making sure to avoid the streets I had last traversed on before we died. I did the same thing a few days ago, Shizuru, when I had been wandering aimlessly around. Still, as I get closer to the hospital, I find it impossible to.

I feel my muscles and my brow tensing as we pass the street that I had collapsed on. As hard as I try, I can't help my thoughts from straying back to that day. I remember how cold the rain was, how it clung to my wet uniform as I stumbled through the crowd. That was after the whole incident in the garden, after you confessed to me in the same breath you killed Suzushiro. Back then, all I could focus on was putting one foot in front over the other, Shizuru. My mind had been as numb as the rest of me. And even though my body rebelled against every step I took, I had continued to walk until I had finally blacked out. Just remembering it makes me shiver as if a bucket of freezing water had just been dumped onto me.

And to think, after all of that, I was still forcing myself to revisit that hospital. Seriously, why do I do these things to myself? My grip on the handlebars tightens. I really do put myself it the worst possible situations.

We manage to get our destination without any incident. I parked my bike and let Mikoto get off first. We then walk into the building.

Have I mentioned how much I hate hospitals, Shizuru? I hate this one especially because I spent way too much time here. I hate how I'm more familiar with this place than I am with my old house.

Do you know, Shizuru, that there are eight hundred and thirty-two ceiling tiles in Room 5211 and the west wing of the fifth floor corridor has five thousand six hundred and forty-six? I know because, in the year I lived here, helplessly confined first to the hospital bed and then to the wing, I had counted them over and over again. That was the year I trained myself to focus so hard, so single-mindedly, on something that I could forget that everything around me existed. By the end of that year, at the age of eleven, I had learned how to shut away all my feelings using this method. I once thought that kind of concentration had been a good thing, a valuable assent. Turns out the joke's on me, huh—would you imagine that.

This place holds far too many bad memories. I dream sometimes that I'm back in this place, that I can hear the impatient voice of my father arguing with the doctors and telling them to take me off life support. I dream that I can see, from the corner of my eyes, his departing figure followed by the silhouette of my would-be stepmother. I try to scream after them; I beg them not to leave me alone, only to find my body unresponsive and my voice stuck in my throat. I can't move; I realize my body's paralyzed, and then my would-be parents close the door on me, blocking me from the light coming from the bright hallway. They leave me to be engulfed in the darkness and confined to the loneliness of my hospital bed with only the lingering shadows of doubt and desperation watching over me.

It's even worse that those dreams have started to mix together with my nightmares of you, Shizuru, over the last few days. I feel like I'm just getting swallowed up in this never-ending labyrinth of shadows and illusions, surrounded on all sides by monsters and aberrational memories of people who have betrayed me.

I follow Mikoto to the elevator, trying my best to contain these feelings. Perhaps it's because I'm here that I managed to as my old habits return quickly to me. By the time we've reached the sixth floor, I had counted each plaster ceiling tile twice and my mind is soothingly clear from any of my reoccurring fears.

I wordlessly trail behind Mikoto as she easily navigates between the passing nurses and doctors. When she gets to that guy's room, she opens it without a pause.

"Ani-ue, I'm here," she says dutifully as she steps inside.

"Hello Mikoto," I hear that guy say. I stop myself at the threshold of the room and glance in. He's in a white dressing gown and his bed is propped upright so he can sit up. When Mikoto comes over, he reaches out with his unhurt arm and hugs her tightly with it.

"Are you doing well?" he asks her, his voice disarmingly gentle.

Mikoto nods while still clinging onto him. When they are together like this, they look so much like siblings that it's surprising no one made the connection until it was too late. It's only when they part that Kanzaki finally notices my presence. He pauses for a moment before he smiles brightly.

"This is an unexpected but welcomed surprise," he says. Despite his stomach injuries, he bows slightly. "Hello Natsuki-san."

Looking at him, the person who had orchestrated so much of the HiMEs' suffering, and seeing his overly polite gestures, I can't help feeling irritated. I cast him an annoyed look and walk into the room. I move right past him and sit down on the chair nearest to the window.

For a while, both Mikoto and that guy leave me alone and they converse quietly. When I glance up, I notice how gently he's is talking to her. Mikoto's body language is both hesitant and restrained and she looks at him with an obedient expression. No wonder she's so conflicted. She really has been trained to follow his orders. At the same time, they're looking at each other with this kind of bittersweet familiarity. Though they've just been recently reunited, their bonds are already so strong. I can't help feeling a little jealous.

Their conversation ends after a few minutes. Mikoto nods and walks out the door. We watch as she leaves. When the door closes behind her, only then does he turn to me.

"I'm sure you have many questions," he says politely. There's something about his gestures and the way he speaks that always puts me on edge. It's like he's needlessly charming or he's trying too hard. It's one of the reasons that I can't stand being in the same room as him, Shizuru, and why I usually leave the moment I see him. But at the same time, I can't help realizing that you act similar to him. The way you move, talk, and even some of your gestures are similar. So why is it that I'm okay with you and not him?

"So, how is Shizuru-san?" he asks, trying once more to start a conversation.

"She sends her regards," I reply tersely, glaring at him. I can't help being unnerved he picked up on my thoughts. "She thanks you for the information and said it was useful."

For a moment Kanzaki is very still. Then, suddenly, he bursts out into laughter. It seems incredibly out of character for his usually subdued self and the sound is unpleasant. When he finally stops, there are tears in his eyes and he is clutching his stomach.

"Oh, Shizuru-san," he gasps, wiping away his tears with the back of his hand, "you really are too much."

His laughter makes my mood sour even more. My glare intensifies and I cross my arms across my chest. What is hidden beneath your words, Shizuru, that only he understands? What does he know that I don't?

When he sees my expression, Kanzaki continues smile. "She really has a gift for words, doesn't she? Shizuru-san knows how to twist what she says so that they hurt the most. It's admirable really," he chuckles. "She truly is Fuuka Gakuen's strongest President and the most monstrous of the HiME."

Hearing him refer to you like that makes my blood boil. That's all it took for me to rush from my perch to his bed. I grab him by the collar of his hospital gown and pull my right fist back.

"Take that back," I exclaim hotly. Kanzaki only tilts his head to the side, obviously amused.

"But don't you agree, Natsuki-HiME?" he says, laughter still in his voice. "You of all people should know the extent of Shizuru-san—no, Shizuru-HiME's wrath."

I sputter and it takes every ounce of my will to not punch him in the face. I instead shove him back into bed so hard that the frame creaks and the wheels of the bed rebound against the wall.

"Fuck you," I growl, stepping away from him. I admit I take pleasure watching that guy gasps in pain as he shakily clutches the bed rails for support.

"You have to admit, this is rather humorous," he wheezes in between his heavy pants. "But I suppose I'm grateful that she sent you here rather than coming herself."

I sit back down on the chair and cross my arms.

"She didn't send me; I came because I wanted to," I snarl.

"Is that so?" he replies idly. "Nevertheless, I'm surprised how quick you are to defend Shizuru-san's honor."

"Do you really want me to punch you?"

"No. However, I do deserve it, don't I?"

What he says makes me pause. Despite his laughter, I pick up on the bitterness in his voice. For a split second, I recognize the same kind of despairing look that we've all worn on his face. Mai, Mikoto, you—we've all had worn that helpless, powerless expression. Rather than bringing me relief, it pisses me off.

"What do you want?" I say finally, unable to hide the frustration in my voice.

"Shouldn't I be asking that to you?" he shoots back. "You came to me, Natsuki-san."

I remember now why I hated talking to him. He has a terrible habit of speaking in circles in a way that reveals none of his intentions. You always get the feeling that he's hiding something.

"What does Shizuru's message mean?" I ask finally.

Kanzaki smiles. "You deserve to know that much, I suppose," he says frankly. "I believe it is Shizuru-san's way of telling me that she knows I was behind the mechanisms of the Carnival. It's astute, but also quite expected of her. Even in her madness—or perhaps because of it—she is as keen and sharp as a blade."

I give him another annoyed look. He's still purposefully holding back information. "Shizuru got the information from Nagi because you told him to."

He blinks and furrows his brow. "Did Mikoto tell you that?"

"She also told me you were watching everything."

"I was," he admits blankly, without a smile. "Even during the early stages of the Carnival, I was confident that Shizuru-san knew I was behind it. She's quite familiar with my style after all."

"Your style?"

"Yes. My style of leadership. I prefer to let my underlings believe they are in control while I pull their strings. That is why I'm suited for the role of Vice President. Shizuru-san is much more direct: she prefers a more…hands on approach," he says with a chuckle. "That's why I couldn't touch her until she made a move. I couldn't afford her counterattacking and ruining all my plans. I started out with my greatest weakness in her hands. Fortunately," he adds with an unpleasant smile, "I knew hers as well."

My frown widens and I can feel my head throbbing. I know he's referring to me and, what more, I hate the fact that, despite all your supposed intelligence and the strength, you left yourself so unguarded. You knew better yet you didn't care. Why, Shizuru, why did you do that? What do you see in me that you'll go to such lengths to protect at the expense of yourself?

When that guy glances up at me and sees that I have no intention of speaking, he continues:

"Now that it's all over, our positions have been completely switched," he admits. "My identity as the puppeteer is revealed and everyone bearing a grudge knows or will know soon enough. Shizuru-san reminds me that it's now my turn. As I ensured her own destruction, she promises to herald mine."

"She wouldn't do that!"I respond instinctively.

"Then you don't know Shizuru-san," he says bluntly. "Despite how she acts, she can be quite petty."

"Go to hell."

"I suspect I will soon enough. As I had attempted to bring you all to hell in order to crown one of you queen of it, surely I will become its lonely prince."

Again there's this self-depreciating aspect to his voice. He doesn't sound so much as a bitter loser but someone who's resigned to his fate of being one.

"Why do you keep saying 'I'?" I ask skeptically, recalling my conversation with Mikoto earlier. "Weren't you possessed?"

"Now that's not very fair, Natsuki-san," he says reprovingly. "You first accuse me as if I was the master orchestrator—a position I gladly accept with all its burdens. But now you won't allow me any of its agency? You would deny me of even that?"

"Quit fucking around and tell me."

"And now you deny me of my wordplay," Kanzaki sighs. "If you must know, yes, I was possessed by the Obsidian Lord, the one who has ensured that the Carnival of the HiME continues to be played out every 300 years. He used my body; I was his vessel.

"Despite that, I much rather be seen as the mastermind than just another puppet. I deserve that much. It was my logic, my knowledge, and my ambitions that the abomination used. He only intended to continue the twisted cycle; I hoped to transcend it. We—I was so close too," he says with a sigh. "So close to creating a new world."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. I can't believe we were all played in such a ridiculous fashion by this megalomaniac. We suffered just so he could play out his fantasy of being God?

"Bullshit," I spat.

"Yes. Of the highest degree," he concurs. "But what would you have done in my position, Natsuki-HiME? You had the power of creating your own tools to enact your revenge. You could summon a beast loyal to you, one who would do anything you asked of it. Did you not use the HiME powers for yourself? Now, imagine that the beast inhabits you and you in turn gain the control of a thousand year-old organization and all its resources. You gain the ability, and the chance, to reshape and reimagine the world in your own choosing, to hand pick your mate who will create with you a new world order. Would you not try to use that power? Would you not be tempted?"

"At the expense of playing around with our lives? Fuck no!"

"Don't be so dramatic," he chides, looking at me with an annoyed expression. "Didn't you plan for the destruction of an entire organization? Did you care that they were fathers, mothers, and children of others? If you had been place in a situation where you had to kill an agent, wouldn't you?" When he sees my clenched teeth and my fists shaking, he smiles cruelly. "And if you are willing to kill a person, or hundreds, what's the difference in killing billions? What does the rest of humanity mean to you in the face of your goals?"

What am I to say to that? I can't disagree with him, but at the same time the things he's saying is ridiculous. I don't want to accept that kind of extreme logic, even if it's my own.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" I ask finally. Kanzaki gives me an honest smile. It's the first one I've ever seen on him.

"Because I have nothing to lose now," he admits. "Besides, this line of thinking is identical to Shizuru-san's. You came here to understand her better, didn't you?"

I lean back in my chair and cross my arms. Once again, he reads me so easily. When I had first heard that Mikoto was coming to see him, I had jumped at the opportunity because I instinctively thought he would be able to tell me something I missed. As much as I hate to admit it, he knows you better than I do.

I'm not sure what I was expecting in this conversation though—I hadn't really thought that much through. So now even though the conversation is going in the direction I want it to, I don't know what to say. The entire thing is going way too fast, I'm getting too much information at once that I don't know how to process.

"What do you want from me?" I ask finally.

"What a strange thing to say now, Natsuki-san."

"We've barely talked before and now you're revealing almost everything to me. You're also trying to make me angry on purpose. It's sort of like…like what Mikoto was doing before," I realize. "Are you trying to make amends?"

What I said causes Kanzaki to pause and look at me with an expression of bemused wonder. "I…I think I understand what Shizuru-san sees if you," he says. He's clearly taken aback at my words. A few minutes pass in silence before he then sighs and looks up at the ceiling. "Think about what position I'm in compared to you and the rest of the HiME. Tomorrow I will have to face all of you and I will become the scapegoat for all your anger and loss once my role in the Carnival is known. In the days after, the First District will likely also come for me. I am prepared to face the consequences, but you'll have to forgive me if my actions are conflicted. It's only natural for me to also instinctively claim the victim's role as well."

"This entire thing is a mess," I say, more to myself than to him. No matter where I turn, there doesn't seem to be any easy answers.

"For the participants of war, victory is always a Pyrrhic one. It's easier to remember one's lost than one's gains," he replies almost absentmindedly before he looks up. "Is Mai-san well?"

"Well enough. She's in the same mood as everyone else's in."

"I see." The way he gazes off at the distance after he says that, with that faraway, tired look makes me realized that he really does like Mai. And it's so odd, Shizuru, for me to realize these things about other people. It's even weirder that I'm actually starting to care. "Natsuki-san?" he asks.

"Yeah?"

"About Shizuru-san," he says slowly, "don't think too badly of her. She did the best she could in the position she was given."

"Um, yeah," I say awkwardly, unsure how to take his words.

"But don't let her know I said that about her," he says with a small smile. "I think her pride wouldn't take it."

I return his smile with my own hesitant one. "Thanks. You're not as bad as I thought you were."

"Can you tell Mikoto to come in? There are some things I want to talk to her about."

"About Mikoto," I say, recalling my conversation earlier with her. "Can you be truthful to her? She's also really mixed up about this entire thing and you know how she is."

"Of course," he replies. "Mikoto is my sister and I want what's best for her." With that he looks past me to the window, effectively ending our conversation. I stand up and walk to the door. I find Mikoto leaning with her back against the wall. After telling her to go into the room, I sit down and stare up at the ceiling.

Nothing about this hospital has changed in the last eight or nine years, but I have. Maybe it's to the point where I'm almost unrecognizable from the jaded kid who had first walked out of this place alone with nothing and no one to care about. There are all these people around me now that I have to consider. I'm not just thinking about just me anymore.

There're so much I need to think about, so many things I have to consider that it just feels overwhelming, Shizuru. I wonder, do you feel the same way? How do other people try to organize and rationalize all these things?

After a few minutes of mulling my thoughts over, I grow restless. I stand up and start wandering through the hospital. I recognize some of the staff and make small talk with them. When I finally return to Kanzaki's room, Mikoto is waiting outside the now closed door.

We ride back to Fuuka Gakuen, back to the place where everything has happened. Back to where you are, Shizuru.

I'll see you soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Shizuru**

As I walk through Fuuka Gakuen's campus, it occurs to me that this is the first time I've been outside in a while. I think at least four days must have passed since I last set foot outside my room. I have ventured out only twice since the destruction of the Star: once to retrieve the school laptop and food from the cafeteria and a second time for various financial documents and my personal belongings such as spare clothes in my gym locker. The first time had been about a day and a half after the incident, the second the day after that.

I can't say that I lost track of time, yet nevertheless I was less aware of it. So easily did the days blend together, Natsuki, when I simply thought and focused only on my little project. I have to say that even I am amazed at how easily it took shape in front of me. I knew I had talent for organizing, but I have never fully utilized that skill until now. The reconstruction plans are coming along quite smoothly and if everything continues at this pace, I think this empty, broken academy will have been mostly rebuilt and repopulated by the time I graduate from this white uniform.

Despite what you likely believe, I have not been completely isolated this past week. Since I decided to begin this endeavor, I have been exchanging daily correspondences with the Rijichou-san. This project is far too grand in scale for a mere high school student to orchestrate after all, even for one as well connected as I. Compared to me, the Chairwoman has access and is privy to much more information. We have thus been working closely together to plan for the academy's reconstruction which one of the reasons why she has requested this meeting with me.

What was it that you said yesterday night—you asked if this project was worth risking my health? Oh Natsuki, how little do you know of me. It is precisely because of this project that I have what paltry mental stability I now bear. I will never admit it to you, but in truth I spent the better part of the first day and a half in tears. The first thing I did after breaking into my new room was to sink down to the floor and cry. It was a continuation of the overwhelming emotions that had first surfaced after we were revived, the ones that I had quickly bottled up and hid behind my usual smile when Yuuki-san and Kikukawa-san were in front of me. Back then, sitting with my back to the door, I…I…had tried to think of a solution, Natsuki, but for all my talent for project management, I can't even manage myself. I can easily create a business model for Fuuka Gakuen's reconstruction, but there's…there's just too much, Natsuki, too much for me to bear of myself that I…I can't…

Ah, just look at me—isn't it pathetic is it that I'm getting so worked up by my own thoughts? Here I stand in the middle of this war-torn, wretched school of rubble and broken cement fighting back the tears in my eyes. It's quite childish of me—I am glad that the entire campus is empty and I am all alone. Only the sound of the wind rustling through the trees accompanies my shaky breaths. I sit down on the nearest park bench and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and look up to the sky. As I watch the clouds pass above me, I regain some of my composure.

This is no good—it only takes a brief moment of retrospection for me to lose control over myself. It has happen far too many times recently and I know I can easily access the despair that once drove me insane and lose myself once more in it. It's so tempting to—to just forget everything and all my emotional burdens, Natsuki. It's just so easy to fall back into my past self.

I avoid thinking of the Carnival because I'm so afraid that if I remember how strong those emotions of mine were and fully access them, I would once again succumb to them. And do you know how frightening that is, Natsuki, to fear your own self, to know that you are only moments away from snapping, from losing control over your dangerously impassioned emotions?

Since we have reunited, since you have dragged me from my seclusion, I have teeter-tottered on this edge, Natsuki, of remembering and not-remembering. As I am afraid of myself, I am thus disconnected from myself. The person you faced earlier was truly the shell of Fujino Shizuru. I want nothing to do with the person I once was.

And yet that too is impossible: you remind me that I am still that person and that I can't distance myself from her or her actions. My hands are still stained with the blood of those who I killed just as my mind is forever seared from the fires that fueled all my despicable deeds. And yet, at the same time, despite being disgusted by my past actions, I can find no alternative to them—if I had to, I would do it all over again. For you, Natsuki, I would do it all over again because of how strongly I love you.

That is what happened earlier with Mai-san. In face of her earnest compassion, I instinctively felt the need to defend myself against her. And the tools of my defense were the same ones I had used during the Carnival. This of course inevitably leads to where I am caught yet again between repeating and trying to run away from my past. And I have to wonder—how much of this struggle is futile? Should I just accept that the insane girl from those days was the true me and sink once more into that desolation?

I sigh and continue to look up at the sky. The late November sun shines so warmly on my face and the heavens above me are so brightly blue. And yet, despite their immediacy, these surroundings seem so foreign and far away. They seem to be less real than the wretchedly dark sky of smoke and flames that is branded into my memory. It is a feeling of dislocation that swallows me—it's as if like I'm living and experiencing two lives at once, Natsuki. I feel the cool, open air and hear the sound of the gentle autumn winds yet it is overlaid with the sensation of scorching, crackling fires licking at my sides and the shrieks of those being burned alive. What am I to do with these dueling, contradictory feelings, Natsuki? What am I to do with myself?

A-ah, the sky looks so empty without the shining HiME Star. For as long as I can remember, I have always seen it there, every day and every night. It was a constant follower—an ever-present watcher of my life. Even though the things it once represented are the same things have brought me to this pathetic state, I still somehow miss the Star's presence. I can't think badly of it, Natsuki, for it brought me to Kiyohome and her to me.

I know not how it was with you and the other HiME's, Natsuki, but the moment Kiyohime became my Child, we instantly knew that I was her and she was I. It didn't matter to me if my Kiyohime was the same one of the legends or simply a monster who bore her name. All that mattered was that she understood me in a way that no one ever has. She was clearly an entity of her own will, yet she mirrored my thoughts and my rage as if they were her own. And I felt her emotions—I knew of her spirit and what drove her. We truly were one and the same.

Maybe that is why I so easily lost myself and allowed myself to give into despair as I did. Once I understood Kiyohime, I knew I would echo her story. My Anchin would also run away from my love like he did hers. Our love would be the ones forever unrequited. Even so, we would fight bitterly—we would allow ourselves to become monsters rather than give up our selfish love. I wonder if you'd ever understand this mindset, Natsuki, being how you are.

Oh how I miss Kiyohime. We conversed not in words, but in touches and the inflection of our voices. I miss her comforting presence more than the power she lent to me. And I will always remember our bittersweet goodbye. That day, Kiyohime had brought one of her heads to me and I had laid my forehead onto hers. I could feel the warm pulse that beat beneath her cold metallic body and the insular comfort that came with the rest of her heads lay around my feet, surrounding and hiding me from the gaze of the other HiME. We had stayed like that long after everyone else had finished their goodbyes, our heartbeats synced, until her spirit faded into the light. And I miss her: I miss the connection I shared with Kiyohime. This late autumn sky feels so much more forlorn without that red star. It is a lonely thought to realize that the only one who loved me unconditionally is gone and that I alone must face myself.

I stare up at the cloudy sky for a few minutes longer before I get up and continue my trek to the school's library. The Chairwoman had requested we meet there since her mansion was destroyed during the Carnival. I honestly don't recall that happening, but you will have to forgive me, Natsuki, for I was rather preoccupied during that time. In actuality, I don't think I was even in the academy when it happened. I would have remembered it. After all, if I am not careful, I easily evoke all my actions during the Carnival in perfect detail.

When I arrive at the library's entrance, the Chairwoman's maid is already waiting for me. Once I have walked past the threshold, she closes the door and curtsies.

"Good afternoon, Fujino-san," Fumi-san says in her high-pitched voice. "Mashiro-sama has been waiting for you."

"Thank you, Fumi-san," I reply while reflexively slipping into my serene guise, "I hope you weren't waiting for too long."

"Not at all, Fujino-san. Please let me lead the way."

I nod my head before following her.

Fuuka Gakuen's library is as impressive as ever. I believe it was written in one of the academy's welcome pamphlets that this building, the pride of Fuuka Gakuen, was first constructed during the Meiji era as an experimental fusion of Eastern and Western architecture. Most of the original building had since been destroyed during the war and the new building was built on top of the old one. And, in the last fifty something years, alongside the rest of the academy, it was then renovated once more to provide more modern utilities. Compared to the rest of the campus, the library seems relatively undamaged. Then again, given the monstrosity that I'm told that lies beneath it, I suppose this is to be expected. This building is at the heart of the HiME legend: its foundations are likely even older than the written word itself.

"Is something wrong?" Fumi asks.

I realize I have stopped walking. I face the maid and smile politely. "No, not at all," I reply. "Shall we proceed?"

She simply returns my smile; her fake neutrality mirrors my own. Fumi-san curtsies once more before she continues to lead the way to the center of the library. As she does, I let out a small sigh of relief.

I have always enjoyed my meetings with these two, Natsuki. There is something wonderfully scripted about our encounters. Between the three of us, we know far too much of each other to ever attempt to veer off polite conversation so we play our roles with grace. Because of her reliance on my capabilities as well as my peculiar standing, the Chairwoman won't jeopardize her relationship with me. And Fumi-san will always follow her mistress's orders.

All of this has likely changed since the events of the Carnival and, knowing what I know of the last Queen of Hell, our next conversation will likely be difficult. However, unlike you and Mai-san, the Chairwoman of the Fuuka Gakuen's Board of Directors is a known element to me, familiar and predictable enough for me to be aware of any traps or pitfalls she sets up. And as I am prepared, I'm not particularly worried about our meeting. Our joint project will suffice as a comfortable buffer between us.

As we walk down the stairs of the library, I see that the Chairwoman is looking up at the windows of the room. She sits in her wheelchair and, as we approach, she moves closer to us.

"Welcome Fujino-san."

"Good afternoon, Rijichou-san." I reply pleasantly with a small bow. "You look well."

"It's strange to be moving my real body after so long," she says with a self-aware smile before clenching and unclenching her hand in emphasis.

"I wouldn't know," I blithely respond. I notice that the room looks different from the last time I was here. The large clock has completely disappeared and there is a large star-shaped outline where it used to be. It also seems that the Chairwoman has moved a small table and two chairs into the library. Behind her is Fumi-san's teacart.

"Please, take a seat," the Rijichou-san says, gesturing towards the table as Fumi-san pulls a chair out for me. "Would you like a cup of tea? We are currently having Earl Grey."

"I would like some," I reply before sitting down and leaning my school bag against one of the table's legs.

With that, Fumi-san pours me a cup of tea and sets it in front of me. When the Chairwoman wheels up to the other side of the table, her maid pours her a cup as well before adding milk and mixing sugar into it.

The maid's actions are well practiced: they are motions that have occurred every single time I have met with the two. She knows well enough that I always drink my tea black regardless of the type. And when hen I take the cup to my lips, I am surprised to find that the liquid hot and I say as much. To this the Chairwoman smiles and responds:

"Fumi-san prepared another batch when she saw you walking towards us."

"I am glad I didn't cause you too much of an inconvenience," I say before playfully sighing. "The weather is just so nice out that I lost track of time. You will have to forgive me."

The Chairwoman laughs politely. "It is a nice day," she affirms in her usual whisper-like voice. "Tomorrow will be a little colder."

"Is that so," I glibly reply.

"Before we begin, I would like to give you something," the Chairwoman says. On cue, Fumi-san picks up a large, expensive-looking bag near next to her side and hands it to me. After giving my thanks, I pull one of the boxes out from the bag and carefully open it. It is an expensive-looking ceramic tea set containing two cups and a teapot. Looking into the bag, I also see two boxes of tea: one of gyokuro and another of high-quality orange pekoe.

"Consider it a house-warming gift," the Rijichou-san says with a small smile when I look up, "and a thank-you for your hard work so far."

"You gesture is appreciated," I reply before standing up to bow to her once more. She returns it and I sit down. "Have you gotten my latest report?" I ask.

"Yes," she replies as she takes a sip of her tea. "We are still reviewing the exact details, but I think your plan to utilize the national military is a sound one."

"As I said, I believe it would relieve many of the parents to know their children will be well protected. More than that, I believe the ability access military funds and intelligence would behoove us."

"Have you talked to Suzushiro-san about any of this?"

Hearing her name causes my body to tense involuntarily. "I have not spoken to her yet," I reply as I feel a slight pang in my cheek in remembrance of my last meeting with the Executive Director. "I plan to after the meeting tomorrow."

I am not looking forward to that reunion. Even now, just imagining her boorish face is enough to make me frown. If she notices my reaction, the Rijichou-san pays it no mind. She continues to sip her tea.

"It would be prudent to, given her family connection." She then tilts her head and adds, "We could always go directly to her father first as it involves his company more than her."

"While the building reconstruction will depend primarily on her father, as the head of the school's Executive Committee, Suzushiro-san will also need to be aware of her new responsibilities," I respond. I am relieved that my voice remained smooth when I said her name.

"The Executive Committee is only a subsection of the Student Council; it can easily be reabsorbed if needed."

"That won't be necessary. Given what our plans are for the new composition and division of after school activities, the Executive Committee will be needed more than ever as its own branch of the Council. And Suzushiro-san's leadership skills in that area will also be required."

The Chairwoman looks up at me and watches me carefully. Despite looking like a pre-teen child, there has always been something about the air she carries herself in and the look in her eyes that belies her appearance. With her real body, there is also an added aura of vitality, a sense of otherworldly power and wisdom. It is in these moments that I am reminded that she is more than three centuries old.

"Fujino-san, while I did ask to meet with you in face to discuss the details about this project, I am more concerned with you. While your contributions are valuable, you are even more important."

I blink but otherwise keep my outward appearance blank. Inwardly, however, I feel my anger begin to boil. How did I not see this coming when she first asked me to meet with her? I was prepared for her to subtly imply as she had done with my current relationship with Suzushiro-san. She almost never chooses reveal her intentions directly. Like Reito-san, the Chairwoman prefers to have her actions and words seem like sleight of hands. Minute manipulations and seemingly innocent suggestions are her forte. For her to state something so directly is both unexpected and incredibly suspicious.

I know she is hiding something from me, something incredibly important. I can read it in her reticent, tired eyes and in the posture of her maid. Fumi-san is standing far more alert and she is looking at me more than usual, as if she is preparing to defend against my reaction. I do not like this. The Chairwoman is deliberately backing me into a corner and I do not have a means to escape as ill-equipped as I am now.

"The events of the Carnival are unbearable," I say finally, keeping my voice steady and as unassuming as possible. "There is much for me to consider. In time, I will work through them. Please do not concern yourself with me."

There is an edge to my words, an overt warning. If the Rijichou-san notices, she pays it no mind. She instead continues to stare at me and I hate the expression in her aquamarine-colored eyes. Her compassion sickens me. I am not someone to be pitied.

"I understand, Fujino-san," she says after a while and looks away. I smile at her compliance and take a sip of my tea in relief.

"Shall we continue with the meeting?" I ask.

"Yes. There is another thing I want to address in terms of our possible relation to the military."

"What is it?"

"Many of your plans for assimilating and integrating them with the academy will not be needed."

"Oh? Why is that?"

"We can use already planted members of the First District to ease the transition."

I feel myself sharply exhale. I close my eyes and I can feel my muscles tense. It takes all my self-control to not slam my teacup onto the table when I hear that name. It reminds me and is connected to far too many things—of familial expectations, searing fires, and your rejection. Though it did occur to me, somewhere in these last few days that they might've been revived as we were, because of certain things, I…I took it for granted that they remained dead. After all, I never heard anything until now and I made certain I had killed them all. To…to know that they've been alive all this time…this, this changes so much.

I slowly set my teacup down and repeat with deceptive calm, "The First District?"

The Queen of Hell looks directly into my eyes. It is as if she is cutting through all my pretenses and sees all my turbulent emotions. It is with unnervingly empathy that she replies, "The members of the First District are all alive. It was within my power to revive all of them so I did."

I return her stare with a look of unrestrained contempt. I can feel my fear, confusion, and relief slowly turning into self-defensive anger as I process the implication of her words. I focus on the one before me and her intentions—I can worry about everything else afterwards, once the obstacle before me has been cut down.

"Was the point of this meeting that you could tell me this?" I ask as my voice grows dangerously soft. For if it was, it infers that she is leading into a trap.

"In part, yes."

"I see," I reply as I slowly lean back into my chair. That confirms that this entire meeting has been staged so far: that she has been anticipating and planning for this moment. This leaves the question why and the only thing I can think of is—

My anger sharpens into a razor sharp blade and I lash out. But before I can even finish raising my hand to strike, the maid has already taken hold of my wrist.

"Release me," I hiss.

"Release her, Fumi-san," the Queen of Hell commands.

The moment the maid lets go, I slap her mistress as hard as I could. The blow forces her tiny body to the side and the unbalanced weight causes her wheelchair to crash. I abruptly stand up from my seat and tower over where the Chairwoman lay clutching her injured cheek. My hand stings.

"How dare you insult me like this," I say, brimming with cold rage. "I am not your plaything."

I hate being manipulated—being told what to do. I despise it. I refuse to do something that is against my wishes and I have no interest in furthering anyone's gambles for power. I only went with his plan because I was more concerned with you, Natsuki, and I will pay Reito-san back for his impudence later.

And this, the First District's play for my attention through the Queen of Hell—I refuse to allow it to pass. I will not let them get the best of me again. I-I won't let it happen.

"That was not my intention. Fujino-san," the Rijichou whispers. She is clutching the sleeves of her maid and I take pride in the fact the blow caused tears to form inadvertently around her eyes. It is a pity that the blow was not strong enough to bruise.

"So you simply chose to reveal this information to me now? Did you expect to me thank you? Be grateful for your oversight?"

"No, not at all."

"Than what is the meaning of this charade? As I have said to you and the rest of those fools, I have no intention of being your pawn. I'm not interested in the glory of the past and I care not if this country burns to the ground yet another time."

This is not the first time I have had this conversation nor was the first time I met the members of the First District during that night, Natsuki. I had said similar words to those biddies long before I knew of your fight against them. And the fact that they dare do this again to me, after I so clearly stated my position—after I personally went out and slaughtered them…

"This has nothing to do with that, Fujino-san."

"Oh, it has nothing to do with that? Is this why you hide this information from me until now?" I snarl. "Or did they put you up to this? Did she plan all of this?"

If my grandmother has than I will have to pay her another impromptu visit. If she is so eager to return to the grave, than I have no stipulations in helping her.

"I requested for them to keep their presence hidden," the Queen of Hell answers softly. By now she has been restored to her wheelchair. "I understand your anger and your hurt, Fujino-san, but please listen to me."

"Give me one reason to not remove you from where you sit," I state coldly as my mind continues to churn through these destructive thoughts. Bloodlust or something akin to it streams through me and all the apprehension I once felt recedes to the back of mind and is drowned by my calculating fury. I feel a sense of clarity I haven't felt for a long time. I can see my next steps and plan my actions so clearly. It is a welcome relief from my earlier aimless meanderings.

Without my HiME power, it would be much more difficult to destroy the First District again for a second time, but I'm confident in my own resourcefulness. I am confident that I can end the life of the last Queen of Hell here while her maid is distracted. Once I am done, I will then…I will…

These thoughts, these thoughts—they're too much like the ones from last week, the ones I had during Carnival. I had channeled it without thinking. I had let myself fall into that kind of mindset that without noticing.

I shakily bring my hands to my face as I fall back in the chair. I can't stop myself from trembling.

What am I doing, what am I thinking? I don't know anymore, Natsuki, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I tried, I tried to avoid myself and falling back, but I did again. What use is any of this for me? What is the point of me trying to stop all of this?

"Fujino-san."

I feel a small hand on my shoulder. When I look up I see the blurry form of the Rijichou-san by my side.

"Fujino-san, please don't put too much pressure on yourself," she says comfortingly. "You are still quite young. You are allowed to make mistakes."

"I don't need your pity," I reply as I turn away from her. Before I can, however, her grip on my shoulder tightens considerably.

"You are not the only one who has done terrible things in the name of love," she insists softly.

I'm still struggling to regain control of myself and I don't know what to do, Natsuki. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be restraining—my sense of morality or my murderous rage. A part of me just wants to shatter the teacup in front of me and stab the Chairwoman with it. Another wishes to simply break down and cry. And the only thing that prevents me from exploding from these conflicting emotions, Natsuki, is this sliver of will and my own deluded sense of decorum. The fact that I am in the presence of someone of high social rank prevents me from completely losing control over myself. And that person, what was it that the Queen of Hell said, what were her words again? I try my best to recall.

"Are you suggesting that I am absolved from my actions?" I shakily rebuke.

"No, Fujino-san, only that the repercussions and the situation surrounding them should also be taken into account. You did no worse than any of the other HiME."

"I doubt anyone has done anything comparable to what I have."

"They have." she says firmly as her grip tightens again. She then adds, "As did I."

"Regardless, no one is alive who will bear you accountable." I reply instinctively.

"Fujino-san," she pleads before she sighs and removes her hand. "All the HiME of this generation are my responsibility. I am sorry I could not protect you from the severity of the Carnival. Within my restrictions, I tried, I really did, to protect all of you."

I turn away from her and look up at the windows. Scattered rays of light filter into this dark library and I—and I don't know what to do, Natsuki. It seems like I've jumped to conclusions in this conversation—even my usually keen perception is failing me. What am I left with to deal with all of this, Nastuki, what is my next step?

When I turn back to face the Chairwoman, her expression remains downcast and she appears as exhausted as I feel.

"I apologize for being inconsiderate," I say without meaning a word of it.

"Fujino-san, despite what you may believe, you are not a bad person," she says. "In the four years I've known you, I've never once thought so. You only work too hard and care too much for your own good."

"You know nothing of me."

The Rijichou-san laughs quietly at my words. "That's quite a childish thing to say," she says fondly, "especially coming from you."

"I suppose it was," I admit self-consciously.

"I'm glad that you can still act your age. It is a shame when children grow up too fast."

I close my eyes. I don't feel like I am eighteen at all, Natsuki. I feel all at once incredibly aged and incredibly young—it's like I know both far too much and far too little of this world and its mechanics. I sit back down and finally let go of the breath I was holding. My shoulders fall and I lean back into my chair.

"So what happens now?" I ask helplessly. "What do they plan to do with me?"

"Nothing: the final Carnival has passed and their responsibility is technically complete. However, because the HiME still live, their duty remains. They have decided to continue to watch over and protect the HiME from the shadows."

"How noble of them," I say sarcastically before reaching for my cup of tea. Staring into it, I then close my eyes. I wonder if it is worth the effort to continue to keep my mask in front of the Rijichou-san. She has seen so easily through me and read through every one of my intentions. "Why did you ask them to keep their presence from me? I was so sure they had been annihilated when my grandmother never contacted me and you said nothing about them in your e-mails," I admit finally.

"You are under an enormous amount of stress, Fujino-san," she replies gently. "Had you known earlier that they were alive and she had contacted you, you would have reacted even worse than you did before. It was better for you to continue under the impression they were destroyed until you have recovered more. That is why I waited until now."

I say nothing and only slowly finish drinking my tea. I hate to admit it, but after my ugly breakdown, she reads me correctly. My memories of the past are still so fresh that they are easily recalled and experienced. Just dealing with your reappearance into my life caused me to briefly relapse into the state I was in before our fight. It only took a mention of the First District to cause me to react as badly as I did. Had I heard earlier, I suppose I would have gone on another rampage.

"More tea, Fujino-san?" she asks.

"Please," I reply and Fumi-san refills my cup.

We drink in silence for a while and I use that time to consider what my next step should be. My initial feelings aside, the fact that the First District human resources are readily and willingly available makes many of my plans easier to execute. Even more, I think you would also benefit from it, Natsuki.

I will do what you ask of me out my own feelings for you. At the very least, I shall be strong for you, Natsuki. For that, I will put all my dissonant feelings and grudges aside to plan and protect your wellbeing. For now, I will concentrate on that.

"Rijichou-san," I say as I set down my teacup. "In light of the new information, I have a suggestion."

"What is it, Fujino-san?"

"Please set up a meeting between the three of us, Reito-san, and the rest of the Board of Directors. Given that the reconstruction will require coordination on all our sides, I believe it's best done as soon as possible."

"What will you propose at the meeting?"

"Primarily that the First District reports directly back to me and Reito-san so we can coordinate the internal affairs and defense of the academy," I say before I pause and consider the additional schematics of the plan. "Also that Natsuki is allowed access to all the information she desires."

"That's quite a lot to ask of them."

"I am confident that they will abide by my decision," I reply simply. In honesty, I am unsure of what to do, but I know that when I had more time to think about it, I will find the optimal angle.

"Very well, I will do what you asked."

"Thank you. If you do not have anything else to add, may we conclude this meeting?"

She looks at me with an expression that implies that she still has much to say to me and I return her gaze with my usual blank smile. Finally, she sighs and says, "I'll see you tomorrow at the meeting and I will continue my correspondence with you."

I stand up and bow to her. "Thank you, Rijichou-san. I will see you tomorrow."

"Don't forget your gifts."

"I won't," I reply as I take it and my schoolbag in my hand. With that, Fumi-san wordlessly escorts me out of the building.

As I leave the library, I notice that the sun is beginning to set. I begin my trek back to my new apartment where you likely await. I am not sure whether or not I am please or apprehensive about that fact, Natsuki. Regardless, I…I will see you soon.


	7. Chapter 7

**Natsuki **

By the time Mikoto and I reach the apartment complex, the sun has almost completely set. We haven't spoken a word to each other since we got out of the hospital, but I guess that's to be expected since we both have a lot to think about. I'm a little curious about what she and that guy talked about after I left, but I suppose that conversation will have to wait until later. I get the feeling Mikoto doesn't want to talk and I have my own things to sort out.

As we enter the complex, I realize already a day has passed since I first entered here. It feels like so much has happened between these last 24 hours, Shizuru. Has it really only been a day since we reunited? Just thinking about it is a little overwhelming, but at the same time it's not in a bad way. Compared to the chaos of the Carnival, it's nice to just talk to everyone without the pressure of knowing your life's on the line. It also makes me feel less alone when I realize that I'm not the only one that is dealing with all these confusing thoughts and feelings, that we're all more-or-less in the same boat.

I drop Mikoto off at Mai's place. Mai welcomes us as the door with a smile but I can tell her cheerfulness is faked. She seems distracted; when I ask her what happened after I left, she hastily brushes it aside. Nevertheless, she hands me Mikoto's huge lunchbox and says that she had prepared dinner for me and you. I sheepishly smile at her and thank her for being so thoughtful.

"It's nothing really," she says as she rubs the back of her head embarrassedly. "It's the least I can do since you took Mikoto to the hospital. She wasn't any trouble, was she?"

"Not at all—she's a good kid," I reply. Mikoto had wordlessly walked into the apartment and was now plating the rest of Mai's prepared dinner.

Mai casts a look in Mikoto's direction before laughing appreciatively. "It's great seeing you again Natsuki."

"You too."

"Thanks again for the food. We'll come back tomorrow morning and return the lunchbox."

"Oh, that's not a problem," Mai replies before she hesitates. "Natsuki?"

"What is it?"

"About Shizuru-san, um, I don't know if I need to tell you this but…" she pauses, her confidence waning. She then looks uneasy before she shakes her head and says with a forced smile, "Never mind. Take care."

I blink and I wonder how the conversation between you and her went to make her usually open self so guarded. In the end, I just shrug and give her what I hope is a reassuring smile.

"See you later," I reply as I turn around and start walking away. It's not until I'm in the elevator and the doors close that I shake my head and sigh.

In its own way, Mai's weird reaction reinforces my nervousness about meeting with you again, Shizuru. During my conversation with that guy, I had instinctively protected you but, now that I think about it, I don't know if I can deny what he said. Not only does he know you better than I do, but the things that he said only confirm what I've seen from you. It's one of the things that troubles me the most about meeting with you and whether or not I should keep doing so.

In the back of my head, I've always known you've had an edge to you, something that made you different from other people—more dangerous. It's reared up sometimes in our conversations, especially when your concern of my safety came up. Your simple assurance and confidence in your abilities hinted that you had the ability to carry out your threats and promises. It was something that had, at first, drawn me to you. It was something I hoped to attain and, in its own strange way, made me feel more comfortable around you knowing that you were like me. But now that I've seen the extent of your power and how dangerous you actually are—I'm honestly terrified of it, especially because I've both indirectly and directly been the recipient of it. I've seen you indiscriminately carry those threats and promises and the cold efficiency of the way you executed them and I still can't help recoiling from that part of you, Shizuru.

I keep mulling them over but I still don't know what to do about these thoughts. They keep circling around in me, around and around, until I'm dizzy with all the would-be implications and nuances of my choices.

The elevator reaches your floor and I get out and walk slowly to your room. When I get to your door, I start to knock on it before I stop in mid-motion. I realize I'm nervous about seeing you again. Yesterday I had found you collapsed on the living room table, having worked yourself to the point of exhaustion because you didn't want to think about the Carnival. When I had pressed you, urging you for a reason for your actions, you had briefly regressed back into how you were during the Carnival only to shatter into a state of hopeless desperation. Going from what I saw of Mai, I bet she cornered you and caused you to snap like you did before. And that worries me, Shizuru, because it shows how volatile you are now. If you can't keep your cool in front of Mai—how are you going to react to people who know you better than her?

And yet, despite all of this uncertainty in me, I still bring myself once more to face you, not knowing what to expect. The only thing that's different between today and the day before is that I'm both prepared and aware of what I'm putting myself in. I know this is probably the last chance I have to distance myself from you. I still have time to run away, to lessen the intensity of our…our friendship and return it to something normal. What's worse is that you probably would readily accept it if I asked. You likely want nothing better than to hide away until you've rebuilt that mask of yours. It's true, isn't it, Shizuru? I know because that's how I used to be before you shattered mine and Mai whittled away the remaining pieces.

I sit down next to the door and start thinking. In the end, I know that even though part of me wants to, I won't run away. I had decided—I had promised myself, Shizuru, the moment I decided to kill us both, that I would accept your feelings for me. I would take responsibility for what lies between us, not just out of the respect I have for you, but for me as well. After all, I made my decision to put your life in my hands. So I won't run away anymore from my own emotions, I won't deny them anymore. I will do my best to face them head-on. And if that also means accepting and learning everything about you, my most precious person, than I will do so. Shizuru, I've made up my mind: I won't let you hide yourself away from me again.

I get up and knock on the door. There is a brief pause before I finally hear your muffled voice say, "Come in."

My fingertips run down the door before they reach the handle. Taking a deep breath, I firmly grasp the metal knob and turn it. I know I can't face you without some kind of stable conviction or else or conversation this time will end up being as chaotic as it was yesterday. This time around, I'm not going to try to force anything: I'm going to let you go at your own pace and support you regardless.

Your apartment is dark and the only light comes from the windows. Night has yet to fall, but the sky has darkened considerably since I've entered the apartment complex. It reminds me of the day before only now the room is immaculately clean. Not a trace of that trashed room from yesterday exists. It also looks like you've moved a few things around: the nightstand next to your bed is now on the other side and the clock above the couch has been taken down.

I find you sitting on the couch with your feet draw up. You're holding a cup of tea and, even as I walk past you, you say nothing. You don't even look up to acknowledge me.

The expression on your face is of a meditative, practiced calm. Your eyelids are partially closed and, if it wasn't for your thumb slowly running across the edge of the cup, I would have thought you were asleep.

I sit down next to you, setting Mikoto's lunchbox on the table. Binders and paper still cover most of the surface space, but now they've been immaculately organized and stacked. There isn't a stray page anywhere.

"There is tea on the counter if you want," you say without looking at me.

"Alright," I grunt before getting up to walk to the counter. Near my feet, I see an empty paper bag. In front of me I see an elegant looking teapot and a teacup. They're the same shade of light purple and had the same flora design as cup you're holding in your hand.

"They were gifts from the Rijichou-san," you add, answering my unvoiced question.

I pour myself a cup of tea and bring it back with me to the couch. The glaze of the cup gives it a rough polish and I can feel its imperfect curves in the palms of my hands as the heat spreads to the tips of my fingers.

"Mai made us dinner," I say quietly. "The bento."

"How thoughtful of her."

The room remains silent for a while longer.

"Natsuki?"

"What is it?"

"How was your trip?"

"It went well," I say noncommittally as I set my cup down on the table next to us. "Better than expected."

"I see."

"How did your meeting go?"

You pause and say nothing. You bring your teacup to your lips and take a sip. Even after that, you still remain silent. And when I look at you, I see that your hair has fallen over your face. I can see the individual strands of golden-brown highlighted across your cheek. They act as a curtain, hiding your expression away from me.

"Natsuki?" I hear you say hesitantly. I hear a clink as you set your teacup down on the table.

"Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?"

When I turn my head towards you, I see that you hands are on the cushion between us and you're leaning towards me. The look in your eyes is so raw and open that it throws me off guard.

Come to think of it, you had asked me this question before, near the beginning of our fight, when I had said how our Childs were the result of our feelings. The way you had said these words back then had been so impassioned: it completely contrasted how cold you were only moments before in the council room. You look at me now with the same kind of bleak anguish as you did back then as you continue to tremble in place. And I feel horrible, horrible, Shizuru, at your almost accusatory question. How could you say something like that, Shizuru? Why would you even think it? When have I ever given you the indication that I hated you? My feelings for you, I—

"I don't hate you; I never hated you," I say softly before looking down. The space between us seems so far away, a gap that can't be breeched. My hand clenches into a fist.

Back then, I willed Duran to grow; I willed myself the strength to match your frenzied emotion blow for blow, strike for strike. And if that's what it takes to save you, I'll do it all over again, Shizuru.

"But everything I have done, Natsuki," you say, your voice rising before it cracks, "all the terrible things I have done to you."

"During the Carnival, I felt hurt, confused, and betrayed by you, but I never hated you," I say honestly as my gaze remains focused on the seat cushion. "I could never hate you, Shizuru."

The words that I say sound so foreign in my mouth; the syllables taste strange on my palate. But at the same time, I know that they're true: they are spoken from the depths of my heart that I have only just started to pry open.

I may not understand you, Shizuru, but I at least understand your intentions. I also remember our past and all the times you were there for me despite my near constant rebukes. And it's to that shared past of ours, Shizuru, that I believe in more than anything else. It's to that past that I owe it to you, at the very least, to save you from your current despair.

My gaze rises as you reach slowly towards me until your left hand is near my cheek. Your hand curls as you stop in mid-motion. You're probably remembering the last time you had reach out towards me and I had recoiled from your touch. I can feel my eyelids flickering out of fearful instinct. But I push those fleeting thoughts aside as I remember my promise, my unspoken resolution. I take that hand of yours with both of my own and bring it to my cheek. I lean into it and feel the warmth radiating from your palm. When I look up at you, I give you a reassuring smile.

You reflexively return my smile and I feel your thumb rub against my cheek. However both quickly fall away.

"I hated you, Natsuki. I hated how you made me feel, the inappropriate love I had for you. I hated you so much for it. But," you continue as you turn away from me, "not as much I hated myself."

"Shizuru…"

"I allowed myself to be swept away by my own obsession and betrayed every single thing I believed in just so I could indulge in my darkest impulses. What's more, I betrayed you, Natsuki, in order to do so. I lost of sight of what I wanted to protect just so I could…I could…"

"Do you want me to hate you, Shizuru?" I ask roughly. I can't help feeling that bitter sting when I hear you say that you hated me. I know you probably didn't mean it but I don't think anyone would like hearing something like that, especially from their most precious person.

"Of course not. I…I…" you tremble. Your brow is furrowed and you're shaking even harder. Once again, your actions are so erratic, like they were during our fight. I have to wonder what is going on in that head of yours, Shizuru. You say one thing, act in another way, and then continue on in a completely different train of thought. What am I suppose to do? How am I supposed to answer and reassure you when I don't know what or where I should direct my energy?

I know I was going to let you go at your own pace, work it out for yourself, but still I have to ask:

"What do you want from me, Shizuru?"

You look helplessly up at me and the expression on your face makes my heart crumble. Unable to bear my gaze, you scoot back and turn away from me.

"I don't know," you say tearfully.

I sigh and cover my eyes with my hand. I just feel so tired and lost. After living most of my life in simple absolutes, all this uncertainty is so frustrating.

The atmosphere between us is so fragile and tense it feels like it would only take a careless breath to shatter it. We're tip-toeing on razor sharp wire and we fear falling more than the pain of the wire cutting into our flesh. So we just keep standing in place as our wounds grow deeper and deeper. And even though you removed the clock, time still continues to tick by and it haunts us with how much has passed between us. It's time we will never be able to get back or go back to. Our halcyon days are no more and we're now trapped in this tornado, circling around and around in this continuous unease.

This is so frustrating, Shizuru. I feel like an idiot, fighting back my tears even as my eyes begin to water. I don't even know why I'm crying. As I choke back a sob, I feel your head pressed against my back and your arms wrapped possessively around my waist.

"Forgive me, Natsuki," you say, your voice muffled by my back. "Please let me be selfish just this once."

I just sit there not knowing what to do as I furiously wipe the stray tears from my eye. I can feel my stomach muscles clench tightly like I'm holding my breath. I'm all nerves, jumbled up and crinkled, until I finally let go of the air entrapped in my lungs.

I turn slowly towards you and give you a half-hearted smile. I sit back in the couch and I press your head into my shoulder so you're resting in the crook of my neck. My actions were impulsive, out of instinct, but the gesture seems to calm you. And as we sit there, your pulse stabilizes and your breath becomes more rhythmic over time. Oddly enough, your presence seems to calm me down as well as I feel the knot in my chest unravel and my urge to cry fade slowly away. And, when your fingers intertwine with mine, I can't help but to squeeze back.

Sometimes, you can convey more emotion through actions than you can with words. I think we just reached that moment, Shizuru, where we couldn't express ourselves through them anymore. So we just continue to sit there in silence, taking simple comfort in our shared space and conveying the things we otherwise can't communicate through our touch.

I close my eyes and sigh again, focusing and embracing the sensation of you leaning into me and your hand in mine. I can feel your hair brush against my neck and the gentle fragrance of your lavender perfume lulls me further into a peaceful tranquility, freeing me from all my conflicting thoughts.

I can feel through our connected hands the way your tension escapes. Your grip relaxes into mine as our breath and pulses sync and I feel, for the first time since we have died, at peace. I had died feeling this kind of fulfillment and now that I am alive again, I have regained it. It's the kind of simple content that comes after nostalgia—from being able to recreate and satisfy a yearning of something I once had.

It's an incredibly intimate feeling and familial too, being so close to you like this. It reminds me of my childhood, back when my parents were still together. Like sleeping on my father's belly or my mother's lap…it's something like that, Shizuru. I can feel the way your breath causes your frame to rise and fall and all the tiny twinges of your body. I can feel every twitch of your hand in mine as I quietly marvel at the softness of your skin. It's somehow really comforting, being so close to another person like this. I never thought just being next to a person could be so soothing.

When I open my eyes, I see that you are resting peacefully. The sight of you doing so causes a surge of fondness to rise up in me, uplifting me to something I've never felt before. It's not affection exactly…it's something stronger than that. I'm not sure how to describe it…but all at once I feel this kind of happy affection as well as this urge to bring you closer to me. With my free hand, I carefully wipe the tears from your eyes with my thumb.

When I look at you like this, it's sort of like seeing you for the first time, Shizuru. I've never really noticed how smooth your skin is, the way your hair frames the curves of your face, or the light pink color of your lips. You seem so soft and feminine. Beautiful, really.

Your eyelashes flutter and suddenly I'm staring into your burgundy-colored eyes. You're so close that I can see my reflection in them. You smile demurely at me and I smile back, suddenly feeling incredibly girly and self-conscious.

"You feel better?" I ask as heat rises to my cheeks.

"A little bit," you answer before you bury your face into my neck.

"That kind of tickles."

"Sorry."

"It's nothing to say sorry for, idiot," I say affectionately, awkwardly patting you on the head. The gesture causes you to giggle and I can feel vibrations from it reverberate through me.

We stay quiet for a while longer before I sense you becoming anxious. You become tenser as you continue to contemplate. I can feel it in your pulse and the way your breathing changes. It's a rather interesting, Shizuru, learning the way you feel, and from our recent conversations, I can even start to figure out what you are going to say, the regret and self-doubt you would articulate. But before you can move away or open your mouth, I interrupt.

"Shizuru?"

"Yes?"

"Don't push yourself so hard." When you don't say anything and only grip my hand tighter, I continue, "You don't have to do this alone, you know? I'm here and I'm not going anywhere."

I can feel you sharply inhale. Steeling myself, I continue, "I know you're feeling completely lost—I was like that too. I didn't care about anything, didn't know what to do…I was more than ready to let Nao kill me, back then. But you showed up and saved me. After I lost everything, you were there. You gave me something to live for, something to fight for…even if it was for and against yourself."

I lean back into the couch. You have moved away from me but haven't let go of my hand. From a side glance, I can't tell what you're thinking. I rub my face with my free hand and say finally, "So, Shizuru, you don't have to hide from me. I'm not going to force you say or do anything, but I'm here if you need me."

Without looking at me, you rest your head on my shoulder again. I can feel you trembling so I try my best to make you feel comfortable. After a while, you quietly say, "Thank you."

"It's the least I can do for you," I reply before I chuckle, "especially after you put up with me for so long. It took me four years to finally figure out what you meant about relying on others and opening up…I suppose I ought to give you at least the same amount of time to let it sink in."

My words cause you to giggle again. "Natsuki has matured."

"Guess so."

You close your eyes again as you rest against my side. You've always been, often to my own discomfort, an overly affectionate person. I've always sort of let you do what you wanted without too much protest and, well, it's not like I dislike it or anything. You're the only one I really feel comfortable doing something like this anyway and…

"Natsuki?" you say seriously, finally fully pulling away from me.

"Y-yeah?" I stutter, wondering if you felt my discomfort.

"There's so much I want to say and apologize for and I don't know how to say it."

"Take your time, Shizuru."

"I will. Just not now." When you look at my confused expression you look down to your lap. "I don't know where to start and, what more, I don't know if it's the best time to."

"What do you mean?"

"Tomorrow is when we are to reunite with the other HiME," you say honestly. "The meeting is going to be difficult. If I break down now, I don't know how strong can be for it."

At the thought of gathering, I groan. After everything that's happened, it's the last thing on my mind. It takes a while for your words to register in me—I zero in on your weird logic.

"Wait, is that why you said that stuff to me before I went to visit that guy? To make sure I was prepared?"

"Yes," you admit, looking almost embarrassed, "and did it not work?"

I look at you strangely before I think back. Had I not been furious as I left the apartment, Mikoto would never have said anything about Kanzaki and you. But you couldn't have anticipated that, could you? Going beyond that—if I had met that guy without your prodding, I wouldn't have known what to say or how to react and given that he had been deliberately trying to make me angry, and was giving me half truths that I wouldn't have known weren't complete unless Mikoto had told me about them before…

"Um, I see what you mean," I clumsily lie. Your logic and the way your mind works is still so beyond me, Shizuru.

"Reito-san is thankfully predictable. However he will not be the only one there tomorrow. So will Yuuki-san, Kikukawa-san, Suzushiro-san, and the others," you continue, obviously not pleased at the prospects.

Just hearing their names cause my head to ache. Urgh, just when I thought I'm starting to think all of this through, I'm reminded that there is a whole slew of other difficult factors we have yet to deal with.

"What more, I am planning on meeting with Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san after the meeting."

"What? Shizuru!" I exclaim as I try to fumble for something to say. Damn it, why is it when I feel like I'm just getting to understand you, you keep springing all these things I'm completely unprepared for?

"I'm not looking forward to either," you reply sullenly as you reach for your teacup. "However, they need to be informed about the plans for reconstruction as soon as possible."

"Fuck the reconstruction!" I say hotly, almost shouting. "It's not worth it if you're still like this! You can't even talk to me and you're going to…to…" I trail off, not knowing how to continue. I wonder why I'm acting like this. After all, I can't even think about the whole situation with them and in the garden without getting incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. At the time of the entire thing, the thoughts I had back then, how I was—how you were…

"Natsuki," you say soothingly, putting your hand on my cheek again. "You don't know how happy I am that you would act this way for me. But this is something I must do."

"Shizuru," I say helplessly, laying my hand over yours before bring them both down between us. I hate the idea of you confronting the two of them alone, especially that noisy brute. But when I look at you and see the determination in your eyes, I know I won't be able to sway you. "Fine," I concede before I look up, determined. "But promise me that you'll bring me along."

You smile fondly at me before you nod, "I promise."

"Good."

Our conversation ends soon after as there really isn't much to say after that. We agree to clear off the table and eat Mai's bento for dinner and the rest of the night progresses smoothly. We make our plans for tomorrow and, once more, I help you clean up the room and wash the dishes. By the time I hit the couch again, we've both showered and you've gone to bed.

I sit here for a while longer as I go through everything that has happened today one-by-one and piece-by-piece. It seems so much has happened today, Shizuru, but at the same time, so little has. One thing's for sure: there is still so much we still have to do. But I'm more confident than before that we'll get through this, together. Even if I have to drag you through all the way, we'll get through this, Shizuru.

I won't let you get rid of me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Shizuru**

"Are you ready, Shizuru?" I hear you call out to me.

I am so lost in my thoughts that I do not respond to you. I instead continue to stare blankly up at the library with unfocused eyes.

So much has happened in the last few weeks that I don't know who I am anymore. I feel so disconnected from myself; it is as if I am a spectator of myself—that I am on the outside staring in. All I have are the broken pieces of who I once was, so broken and fragmented, so disjointed from each other. When a situation calls for it, I present one of those pieces, one of my many facades, but once that part has been played I return to my state of unease.

This has become especially apparent to me in the last two days, Nastuki, how broken I am. Though my sanity has been restored, I have nothing left to connect it with so I continue to flail aimlessly about in an attempt to grasp anything I can possible connect myself to. That is why I am working so hard on the school's reconstruction: I am using it as a way of returning some sense of normality to my life. In this vast ocean of uncertainty, I cling furiously onto the driftwood and debris from my past, hoping that they will lead me to shore where I can begin rebuilding some semblance of stability.

After all, I feel like I lost my sense of purpose—I have nothing to live for. I use you as an excuse, but I no longer possess the same obsessive urge to protect you now that the Carnival has ended. There is a part of me that feels alienated from you just as much as I feel alienated from myself. I suppose this is to be expected: I stopped differentiating between myself and my love for you, after all. So desperate, so obsessed I was by you that I became consumed by my very obsession until there was nothing left of me. I had been engulfed by those brilliant fires of my passion, spurned by my desire to both possess and protect you. I had set myself ablaze so that I could burn through everything that stood in my way. And so, when I was resurrected, the only things left from those searing flames were the charred vestiges of my person. I had been saved not just by the Rijichou-san, but you as well, Natsuki—the very person I sought to protect—and it's for that very reason that I don't know what to do anymore.

I didn't expect to live, Natsuki. I was fully prepared to die so now…now what am I to do with myself now that I've sacrificed the person I used to be? I've come back with nothing to return to and I don't know who to be or what role I should play.

Ah, perhaps I am being a little too melodramatic. In these last two days, I have at least realized that I, Fujino Shizuru, am not nothing. I am not simply a shell, but the fragments of my older self. Perhaps in another few days I will discover what bind these pieces together once more.

I suppose the only thing I can do is now is make the best with what I have. I will slowly gather everything that remains around me and reconfigure it all to the best of my ability. That is all I can do.

"Oi, Shizuru!" you call out again.

When I turn around, I see that you're giving me a concerned, worried look. I find it oddly endearing on you, Natsuki, as you never used to look at me with such caring eyes. Your concern reassures me and centers me. It brings me to focus.

"Yes?" I ask.

You sigh as you set your helmet down on your motorcycle. "If you don't feel like it, we can always skip," you say, referring to the meeting.

Your compassion makes me smile. You have been so patient with me, Natsuki, more than I could ever ask of you. I don't know what I have done to earn this kindness from you, but I am nevertheless grateful for it.

"Thank you," I respond. "But we cannot all be ditching queens. Besides," I add more firmly, "I am not one to run away from my responsibility." With that said, I walk into the building and you follow shortly after.

Let what will come, come, I think to myself. While I am not prepared for it, while I am not at my best, I will at the very least face everything head-on with the tools that I still bear. It has always been my policy to do so, Natsuki, to always be honest with myself even if it is at my own expense. I suppose in this way I am as stubborn as you are. Despite my overall disposition, I am, in essence, a very straightforward person. Therefore I suppose this remnant of Fujino Shizuru will at least do her best to assess her predicament for both her and your sake since, for whatever the reason, you have chosen to align yourself with her.

This meeting would be trying on my self-control even under normal circumstances. As I am now, it would take a miracle for me to not break apart if I continue to think this way. I have to close off most of my emotions and distance myself completely from my usual mental facilities. Though I have progressed past this point, I must return to how I was a few days ago, back before I met you again, Natsuki. I will think and react only enough to maintain a sense of polite decorum. That is all I can do.

When we enter the library, I notice that most of the participants of the Carnival have already arrived. Even so, there is at least another ten minutes before the start of the meeting. As I look around, the Chairwoman catches my eye and I recall the e-mail I had received from her earlier this morning: she had written that she had gone through my plans in greater detail and had notified the First District of my intentions. I give her and her maid a polite nod which they then dutifully return.

As I continue to look around, I notice that the room has changed since yesterday. A large circular table has been moved to the center of the library to accommodate everyone. The only one currently sitting there is the Chairwoman. Behind her is the table we sat at yesterday which her maid now stands besides. An assortment of snacks and other refreshments are on that table.

I see Sister Yukariko and Ishigami-sensei standing behind one of the book stacks to the right. She catches my eye and, for a brief moment, she wears the same vulnerable expression that she wore after our talk during the vampire incident. It soon breaks and she smiles warmly and waves at me which I then cheerfully return. I am not sure why, but I've always had an odd fondness for the nun since our conversation a few months ago. I suppose it's a happy coincidence that we ended up dying at the exact same location. Compared to her, Ishigami-sensei looks much less enthusiastic. I detect fear in his eyes as the color drains from his already ashen face when he sees me. I suppose he has heard of my exploits since then and I imagine he has not been very popular with his former cohorts due to his open betrayal of their core tenants. Regardless of the role he played in the Carnival, I think his overall person is relatively harmless and not worth considering.

On the second floor, to my left, I spot Yuuki-san and her mother. When she sees me, she snorts and turns her back to me. It appears that she has not forgiven me for my transgressions. It's to be expected from her, really. Knowing her disposition, I expect she will make a nuisance of herself during the meeting. That being said, I still cannot bring myself to hate her despite what she has done to you. I am, after all, a person who does not has many likes or dislikes—there are very few things that I am truly passionate about. Of course, as you know perhaps too well, I tend to burn a little too strongly for these passions.

When she sees me, Yuuki-san's mother bows to me. The resemblance between mother and daughter is undeniable—it is especially apparent in their eyes. Her mother's expression is less severe, her face more plain, but the catlike brightness in her eyes is unmistakably similar to her daughter's. I have no doubt that she possesses the same sharp intellect that is so characteristic of Yuuki Nao. It occurs to me then that it is for her sake that middle school student is holding back; the reason why Yuuki-san hasn't lashed out at us yet, Natsuki, is because her mother is with her. I return her mother's bow with my own. For now, I believe it's best to be relieved that she is here to restrain her daughter.

As I straighten my back, I see that you're waving at Mai-san who is standing next to her brother and Okuzaki-kun. It appears that Mikoto-chan has not arrived, which leads me to believe that she is likely with Reito-san. Mai-san looks troubled and she keeps glancing to her left where Tate-kun and—what was her name again? I believe it was Munakata Shiho?—are standing near the back of the room. I must admit, I only paid enough attention to Mai-san's predicament to ensure your safety, Natsuki. I was never particularly interested in the details. You are about to walk towards Mai-san when you hear someone call your name.

"Kuga-san!" Higurashi Akane calls out from behind us. She has just entered the library along with Kurauchi Kazuya. At least, I believe that was his name. I vaguely recall it from earlier this year when rumors of the two's elopement had arisen. As both the Student Council President and a HiME, it had been important for me to keep tabs on every rumor and person involved in them. They are, after all, an important part of the foundation of Fuuka and many rumors do contain some grains of truth. I know this all too well.

"Higura—hey!" you yelp when your classmate suddenly leaps into your arm, causing you to stumble backwards.

"My, my," I giggle. You give me an annoyed glare before you adjust your balance. Higurashi-san has broken the embrace though her hands are now intertwined with your own. I must admit, I never thought you were this close to any of your classmates. I can't help realizing bitterly once more how you have grown without me.

Despite my ugly thoughts, not once does my polite smile waver from my face.

"Thank you so much, Kuga-san!" Higurashi-san says while swinging your hands back and forth cheerfully, "I can't thank you enough for watching over me. You're really a nice person, aren't you? This is the second time that you saved me and I—

My attention immediately shifts when I see Reito-san enter. He is in a wheelchair and is being pushed by Mikoto-chan. I can feel my good mood instantly sour and I brace myself for what will likely follow.

"What a lively conversation," Reito-san says, glancing in Higurashi-san and your direction before laughing boyishly. "Hello Shizuru-san," he then addresses me.

I smile politely at him. "It has been a while," I reply, my tone neutral. As I recall, the last time I spoke to him had been the day that one of the girls' dormitories burned down. That was the night that I participated in the Carnival and stopped keeping my eye on him. I realize now that this must mean Reito-san was behind the antics of Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san the following night as that was the first time my guard was forsaken and neither of them would have found me or had the nerve to confront me without his involvement.

"It has, hasn't it," he says with an amused smile, interrupting my dangerous thoughts. "Thank you for your message before."

"You deserve at least that much," I respond playfully despite my budding irritation towards him—one that I quickly nip as I force my mind to go blank. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that your conversation with your classmate has stopped and you are now watching us carefully with your arms folded across your chest.

"It's good to see you again, Natsuki-san. Thank you for our conversation before," the Vice President says.

"Yeah," you mutter noncommittally.

"Do you mind if I borrow Shizuru-san for a moment?" he asks. You glance at me and I simply smile back. You shrug.

"Do what you want," you say finally, more to me than to him.

"Thank you. Shall we go then?" Reito-san says as he indicates with his uninjured hand to where the Rijichou-san sits.

I say goodbye to you and your classmates before following him. As we move towards the center of the room, I watch you walk up the stairs to where Mai-san is standing.

"You have been very busy," Reito-san says as he disrupts my thoughts once more.

"Is it not the duty of the president to rectify the grievances of her staff?" I respond pleasantly. Despite the lightness of my voice, Reito-san immediately picks up on my hidden barbs. He chuckles.

"Sharp as ever."

"Only as I need to be. I dislike repeating myself."

"Of course. I've always respected that about you, Shizuru-san."

I smile and nod politely before saying somewhat cryptically, "It's unfortunate that sometimes weeds grow faster than they can be cut down."

"I pity the farmer who doesn't invest in the necessary pesticides," he retorts smoothly as he is taken to the head of the table where the Chairwoman has made room for him. I sit to his right.

"Is that a suggestion?" I ask pointedly. Arrangements could be made for him, especially given the setting we are in.

He laughs before he throws his hands up in surrender. "Of course not. At any rate, I've spent most of today and last night looking over your proposals and business models. There are a few short cuts and suggestions I would like to propose, but your plan is resoundingly efficient for the most part."

"I'm glad to have your approval and support."

"Still, these next few months will be incredibly busy," he says idly before picking up the cup of tea that Fumi-san had laid before him. When I look down, I see that she has poured me one as well.

"Are you asking to be absolved from your responsibility?"

"I would never ask for such a thing."

"Then I shall leave it to you, Vice President."

He smiles at this before taking a sip of his tea. We are quiet for a moment as we both drink from our respected cups. After a while, Reito-san looks up and says, "Out of technicality, it seems I still remain the head of the First District. My word ensures their complete cooperation." He then shakes his head in disbelief of the fact. "They are nothing if not traditional."

"It must be nice to live such a carefree life," I add lazily, keeping my mind free from any comprehension. I still do not trust myself to think about that organization and everything that surrounds it without being assaulted by my errant emotions.

Reito-san glances up at me from his teacup. His eyes are sparkling with mirth when he says, "It makes one wonder if it's a life worth living."

"Your sense of humor is as off-colored as usual," I instantly reply as a trace of anger seeps into my voice. I am proud that my hand holding the teacup doesn't shake.

"Shizuru-san, I think you're getting the wrong idea here." When I only smile levelly at him, he sighs and wisely turns to the Rijichou-san. "If it's no trouble to you, Queen of Hell, I suggest we set Shizuru-san's proposed meeting with the First District to the day after tomorrow."

I nod politely in agreement to his suggestion. Internally, I am relieved that he has relented from the previous subject as our conversation would have otherwise turned crass.

"That is fine with me," the Chairwoman replies immediately.

"Then it is settled. The only thing left is mobilizing the rest of the Student Council."

"I am planning on meeting with Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san later tonight. If all goes well, we shall have their cooperation and begin our plans for reinitiating the students tomorrow."

"Oh?"he replies curiously before getting distracted by Sugiura-sensei's entrance into the building. She is carrying an enormous binder filled with loose pages of paper. Even from this distance, I can see the dark circles under her eyes. However, the history teacher seems to be even more energetic than usual despite her lack of sleep. I can tell this from the way she's swaying back and forth as she walks and the excitement in her steps. "I suppose we will be forced to be very thorough in our presentation, won't we?" Reito-san says absentmindedly.

The Chairwoman merely nods at this and watches as Sugiura-sensei swerves from her path to say hello to Mai-san and the others.

"Shall we conclude with this: we agree to hold a Student Council meeting tomorrow morning and report back to the Rijichou-san later that day?" I ask.

"I'm fine with that," Reito-san replies as the Chairwoman nods in agreement. I smile at his compliance and immediately take advantage of it.

"I leave notifying Tate-kun to you, Reito-san. He is still officially part of the Student Council after all."

When he hears Tate-kun's name, Reito-san brings his hand to his face and shakes his head. "Ah yes, Tate Yuuichi," he says, his voice darkening in jealousy. "You and your pet projects," he almost snarls.

I smile at both his accusation and his animosity. I suppose it is rather childish of me, Natsuki, but in my defense, I believe I shouldn't be the only one who must confront her former adversaries. We should all use this time to grow.

"When I was a child, I always wanted a pet," I say idly. "You see, I was an only child so I kept bringing home strays."

"I'm sure your parents appreciated the fact that your pets defecated over your rugs, chewed your furniture, and gave your rabies."

"Now, now, Reito-san," I say amiably before I take a sip of my tea. "I just think it's a pity when people cannot live up to their full potential. Shouldn't we all have the chance to blossom?"

At this, Reito-san only stirs his cup of tea in silence. After a few moments, he then sighs again. "Very well. I still have to warn you that it's only a matter of time before you sustain a bite you won't be able to recover from, Shizuru-san. But I will do what you ask. After all," he looks up at me and smiles almost fondly, "we must all do what we can to make amends."

I return his smile with my own appreciative one. While we rarely see eye-to-eye, the similarity of our dispositions allows us to have these rare moments of understanding.

"What are you talking about?" Sugiura-sensei asks as she approaches.

"Forlorn love and the regrets of youth," Reito-san replies sweetly, easily altering the course of the conversation. "Speaking of which, you are looking as youthful as ever, Sensei."

My mind wanders when the topic changes. As it usually does during these moments, my attention turns to you, Natsuki. When you see me staring in your direction, you immediately turn to meet me. You smile at me, the look on your face is full of genuine affection that I can't help smiling back. Our smiles, however, quickly wane as the library doors crash open and Suzushiro Haruka marches forward.

I lean back into my chair and sigh. It really is one thing to announce your intentions and quite another to actually act upon them. When I see the Executive Director, I can feel the throbbing of my jaw return. It won't take long, I think to myself. It will only take three seconds for her to explode. One, two, three—

"You!" she shrieks as she stomps towards me. "And you!" she says while jabbing her finger directly into Reito-san's chest. He winces in pain. "How are you villains not jailed for your unsightly crimes? You are the leaders of this school and you—you still dare to wear the uniforms of the Student Council!" she shrieks, drawing attention to the fact that both Reito-san and I are wearing our respected uniforms just as she and Kikukawa-san are. In actuality, it looks like all the students here are wearing theirs. I suppose that makes sense, not just accounting for how many dorms were destroyed, but also for the fact that students are suppose to wear their uniforms while on campus grounds. "You—you," the Executive Director then sputters before she hyperventilates and slams her hands down onto the table so hard that it shakes and the teacups rattle.

"You are looking well, Suzushiro-san," I say brightly, knowing full well that my polite banality would further enrage her.

Before she could open her mouth again, she is interrupted by Kikukawa-san. "Haruka-chan, you promised you would stay calm," she begged, clutching onto the Executive Director's arm. She looks at me and smiles apologetically, "We've read your e-mail and—

From the corner of my eye, I see you approaching us, Natsuki. I can't help feeling relieved when you do. I can almost feel this mask of mine melt away as you come closer to me. However, when Suzushiro-san sees you, she explodes once more, her voice drowning out the rest of Kikukawa-san's words.

"And you! How can you even stand next to her?" she shouts.

I feel my right arm twitch as my anger rises. However, before I can respond, you shout:

"Shut up, Suzushiro. You don't have any right to say anything."

"Nat—" I begin before I am interrupted.

"Oh-ho, what do we have here? It looks like someone's developed Stockholm's Syndrome," Yuuki-san says with a smirk as she approaches. Behind her, her mother looks on with a worried expression.

"Be quiet, Nao!"

"Bite me, Kuga."

The tension in the room continues to rise as the bickering continues. I notice that we are not the only participants as I see others begin to glare and size up one another.

"Enough!" the Chairwoman finally commands, pushing herself up from her wheelchair. Her tone is harsher than expected and her voice is raised higher and louder than I've ever heard it. She pauses as the sound of her voice echoes in the spacious room before she wobbles and has to be supported by her maid. "The purpose of this meeting isn't to blame each other; it is to understand what has happened and to make peace with it," she says before she is eased back into her wheelchair. "We will begin as soon as everyone is seated."

At that, everyone obediently goes to the center table and sits down. The Chairwoman and Reito-san sit at the front of the table with Fumi-san and Mikoto-chan standing behind them. I remain seated where I was before with you beside me. Following us are Mai-san, her brother, Okuzaki-kun, the Sister and Ishigami-sensei, with Yuuki-san and her mother facing directly in front of Reito-san and the Chairwoman. Continuing on is Tate-kun and Munakata-san, Higurashi-san and Kurauchi-san. Sugiura-sensei, Suzushiro-san, and Kikugawa-san sit on the opposite side of the Chairwoman, with Sugiura-sensei directly on the Chairwoman's left. There are twenty of us in total. I notice that Nagi has yet to appear and I assume that he will if and when he is needed.

"Thank you for all coming here today," the Chairwoman says as Fumi-san finishes handing her refreshments to everyone. "I know you all are trying your best to put the past behind you, but I think it's important that we explain what has happened."

"To know the past is to know the future," Sugiura-sensei adds helpfully.

"Exactly," Reito-san agrees. "As the final participants of the Carnival of the HiME, we have a duty to know what has happened. We have much to answer to."

"Some of us more than others," Yuuki-san mutters loudly under her breath while glaring in my direction. Her mother looks at her with a puzzled expression as if she didn't recognize her daughter while you bristle and clench your hands into fists beneath the table. I, myself, pretend not to hear her. Around the table, I notice some of the other participants are exchanging hostile glances with one another. I suppose this kind of atmosphere is to be expected, really, as the Carnival is still fresh on everyone's minds.

"Shall we start at the beginning?" Reito-san says, politely ignoring the almost palpable animosity.

The Chairwoman nods and she begins with a disclaimer as everyone settles down and turns to her.

"Even I don't know the true origins of the Carnival—only the general assumption that has been passed down by those of the First District. Nagi and the Obsidian Lord have given multiple accounts of the origin, each one is as plausible as the next so I will tell the story that is most credited and lay out the facts as given. It is known that the HiME Star is the origin of it all and that it has the power to materialize the feelings of not just the HiME, but the will of all people in a certain fashion. The gods and goddess of each culture are given material form through the power of the Star due to being worshiped by people. These are the Orphans that we all have fought. Each one has its own will and desires, a consciousness in and of itself. Each one is a physical embodiment of specific emotions and desires."

Ah, I think to myself, I suppose that explains Kiyohime and my bond with her. Just then, I hear Higuarashi interrupt.

"If that's the case, than why us?" she asks as she casts a desperate look at Kurauchi-kum. "What is the role of the HiME?"

"It was discovered long again that there are girls who have the ability to commune with these gods and goddesses," the Chairwoman continues unperturbed. "They are able to sync their own feelings of worship—the emotions they feel towards their most precious thing—with those of the beast. This unification gives birth to the Child. The Orphan is given purpose: something to focus and solidify its being; and the HiME is given the power to protect those she holds dear: her feelings are given material form. The HiME is, in a sense, the priestess of the Child-God, she is the one who channels the powers of the gods and goddesses into this world and she herself is the living embodiment of her Child."

"I don't see what this has to do with the Carnival," Munakata-san blurts out. "Why did we have to fight?"

"I believe I can answer that," Reito-san then interjects before he looks to the Chairwoman for her approval. When she nods, he continues and says, "It is said that the HiME Star's powers grow as it feeds off the emotions of all people, especially the HiME. The same love, grief, and pain that the HiME feels and channels into her Child are also channeled into the Star. And as the Star grows in size, it threatens to crash into the planet and bring destruction to the world. The only way—or so we thought—to stop the Star is to have a HiME sync with it—to make the Star her Child, so to speak. However, only a HiME of extraordinary power could do this.

"Long ago, on the planet the HiME Star first originated from, the inhabitants of the planet decided to create the first Carnival. As they knew that a HiME and her Child grow stronger in defeating another, they forced the HiME to destroy each other until there was only one left. The winner of the first Carnival was a HiME's whose Child had the power to entrap others into stone and use the abilities of those he trapped. This is the Child who would become the Obsidian Lord."

"I don't get it," Mai-san interrupts, "why didn't that HiME just destroy the Star when she had the chance?"

"I am glad you asked that question, Mai-san," Reito-san replies. "You see, that HiME's most precious person was her sickly brother. He asked, he begged his sister to use the power of the Star for his sake. And so, when she gained the power of the Star, the power to change the world, she wished for her brother to live forever. The Star translated this wish by merging his existence with her Child: his weak form became encased in the powerful living armor of his sister's love. His existence also became tied to that of the Star. And as a result of her wish, the HiME was entrapped into a crystal as a Child cannot exist without a HiME: the Obsidian Lord has to feed off of her life force which is one fueled by the power of her final wish. This is how the first Carnival drew to a close: the Star was not defeated and was instead regressed to its smallest form, its powers exhausted.

"However, the Crystal Princess' life force was not enough to sustain him forever. Even more, the Star continued to grow stronger as it gathered the strength of the people of the planet. As it did, more Orphans and HiME were born. So the Obsidian Lord devised a plan to protect his existence as he was aware of his own mortality. This is what would become the framework of future Carnivals. He struck a deal with the people who dwelled closest to the land he was bound to: he promised them wealth and prosperity if they followed his rule. This is the origin of the First District: they are the first to gather around the Obsidian Lord, they are the first to receive his blessings."

My eyes flicker down to my lap where my hands are clasped tightly together when I hear Reito-san mention the First District. Despite my best efforts to prevent it, I feel myself recalling the night where Nagi had appeared before me and told me of these things. He spun and wove a tale that would encourage me down my path of destruction. I can almost feel those malevolent flames around me again, Natsuki. I can almost feel the weight of my Element in my hands and the ease of which I sliced through all those bodies as if they were made out of straw. I don't remember the faces of the slaughtered, only the identical expressions of anguish they all wore. What I do recall with frightening precision was the morbid satisfaction that came with cutting them down. I think, somewhere inside of me…I…I was happy Natsuki. It was—

I forcefully close my eyes and empty my mind before my memories can overwhelm me. I mask my actions through picking up my teacup and drinking from it. As I do, I concentrate on regulating my breathing and stilling my form. When I feel myself relaxing, I open my eyes and set the teacup down. I further distract myself by watching Sugiura-sensei furiously write down notes as Reito-san continues to talk.

He is still speaking when I return my attention back to him. He appears to have finished discussing the Obsidian Lord's machinations and has moved onto various theories about what brought the Star to this planet.

Here Sugiura-sensei begins to ask more questions regarding the logistics of the HiME and how the Chairwoman's and Reito-san's narratives can be pieced together and I find myself growing bored. I feel myself being drawn into your presence, lured by you beauty which shines so brightly even in this dimly lit room. My gaze wanders to where you sit and, from the corner of my eye, I admire the smooth slope of your jaw, the incline of your eyebrows furrowed in concentration, and the contrast of your dark hair against your radiantly pale skin. Your emerald-colored eyes are downcast; I wonder if you are trying to reconcile all this new information with what you remember of your mother, Natsuki. I wonder if I should find some way to comfort you or if it's best not to.

I am too deeply engrossed in my own thoughts that I only vaguely register that Yuuki-san has stood up. The chair she was sitting in crashes to the floor with a definite clang.

"This is a waste of time," she snaps. "I'm not going to sit here and listen to all this pointless history when it's clear that this entire thing is just going to be some stupid pity party."

"Nao-chan!" her mother admonishes, clearly shocked at her outburst. For a second Yuuki-san loses her confidence and looks meekly at her mother. She must have changed greatly after her mother's hospitalization, much like how you had at your mother's death, Natsuki. Just as you have chips in your personality, the clashes between your terse coldness and innate kindness, it seems that Yuuki-san has them between her high-strung arrogance and her shyness. It makes me wonder how much of her timidity is faked.

The moment subsides and Yuuki-san crosses her arms defiantly. "It's true though. You're all just waiting for an excuse to shift the blame away from yourselves. I can see it in all of your eyes. It makes me want to puke."

"Take responsibility then," Okuzaki-kun explodes, pointing an accusatory finger at Yuuki-san as she springs up from her chair. "It was because of you that Takumi died!"

"Relax girl-boy, I wasn't even there when you got defeated. I wish I was the one to do it, just for the look on your pathetic face."

"Hypocrite! Takumi wouldn't have been in that position if it wasn't for you!"

"Hah, like I was interested in either of you in the first place. I just wanted to use you as bait—it's not might fault you decided to run and get killed."

"Y-you were in the way!" Munakata Shiho sputters self-reflexively. "It happened because you got in my way!"

"Shiho!"

"It's true, Onii-chan," she insists before turning to Mai-san. "And don't think I've forgiven you!"

"Shiho-chan…"

"You lied to me, you lied to me and you stole him from me and I'll—

"Where were the authorities when all of this happened? The police should have been involved! Why didn't anyone stop them?" Suzushiro-san shrieks loudly, pounding her fist into the table.

"We tried, idiot," you reply irately.

"You're the one who started it," Yuuki-san immediately sneers. "You came out of nowhere, accusing me of something I didn't do! Because of you, my eye—

"I-I'm sorry," the Sister apologizes suddenly, covering her face with both of her hands. "I was the one and I…I…"

It seems like the tension that had been building up in the room since we arrived—or rather, since the end of the Carnival, has finally exploded. As the voices around me grow louder and louder, working themselves into a deafening frenzy, I glance over at Ishigami-sensei and he visibly recoils before glaring insolently at me. So that was it, I think idly to myself as I stroke the edge of my tea cup. I thought the Sister's actions at the start of the Carnival were very out of character. That night begins to make sense as the pieces fall into place.

The Executive Director finally screams, causing everyone to quiet down. "Enough of this nonsense! I demand to get the bottom of this! While I may not have known—where was the police? Why weren't the authorities consulted?"

Reito-san smiles patiently at her. "They were the ones in charge of orchestrating the entire event, Haruka-san," he says calmly.

"What about you and the Chairwoman?"

"You really didn't' tell her anything, Yukino-san? I'm quite surprised."

Kikukawa-san tears up almost immediately in panic. "I'm sorry, Haruka-chan," she sobs. "I was so afraid and I did so many horrible things and I didn't want you to be disappointed in me so I..."

Suzushiro-san's self-righteous expression almost instantly softens into compassion. "There, there Yukino," she says, trying her best comfort her friend.

Reito-san gives me a helpless shrug before he goes on to say, "Well, now that we're at this point, I suppose I should admit that, as many of you have likely guessed, I was the one who was possessed by the Obsidian Lord. I had a hand in almost all of your conflicts, and had ordered Nagi to watch over you so I could plan what would cause you all the most grief and desperation."

The room is suddenly deathly silent as all eyes turn to him. Mikoto-chan is now bracing herself: she is preparing to defend him from an attack. It seems that we are only moments away from a fight, I observe as I drink from my teacup to hide my pleased smile. I admit I'm a little disappointed at how easily Reito-san has offered himself up as a scapegoat though I suppose it is for the best. As it is now, involving myself with him, even if it's for some sort of revenge, would not be ideal. I am content to leave Reito to his fate and quietly observe the following imbroglio until you grab the edge of my sleeve.

"Shizuru, do something," you beg.

I immediately stand up and do what you asked without a second thought. The sound of my chair sliding across the floor causes everyone's attention to turn towards me.

"Now, now," I say, keeping my voice disarmingly gentle. "I will be the first one to admit that my actions during the Carnival were atrocious. They are possibly the worst among all of you and if anyone is to have a grudge against Reito-san for what he has orchestrated, it would be me." I pause and glance up at him. He doesn't even try to hide his open relief. I then turn to you. I only see the crown of your head as you nervously twist strands your hair around your fingers. I continue:

"Nevertheless I will take responsibility for my actions and for the role I played in this school's destruction. It is only fair as my actions, no matter who they were guided by, were still my own."

Speaking like this, it feels like I am so removed from what has happened. I feel as if I am talking about a different Fujino Shizuru from a different time. Has it really only been a week since then?

"Thank you, Fujino-san," the Chairwoman says, giving me one of her rare smiles as I sit down. "I used my power as the Crystal Princess to revive everyone who has died. Though I won't deny the pain that you have felt at each other hands, as far as anyone can tell, the Carnival has no repercussions. The responsibility you have is only to yourselves and to the people here. Even more, that responsibility is for something whose effects have already been reverted."

"As for the physical damages," I add almost automatically, looking directly at Suzushiro-san before she could speak, "the Student Council has already begun making the necessary preparations. The reconstruction and the rebuilding of our Academy's reputation will take time and I ask for all of your support in the months to come."

I still see repulsion in her eyes, but I also see the faint tinges of respect that I have been counting on to garner her support. Regardless of what she thinks of me, Suzushiro-san will always acknowledge my democratic and leadership skills. She gives me a curt nod and I can't help smiling in relief.

"As expected of our President," Sugiura-sensei says brightly, trying to lighten the mood. "Now more than ever it's important for the HiME Rangers to come together to rebuild our broken bridges!"

Her rant on the importance of friendship and teamwork are lost to me when I feel your hand slip into mine beneath the table. You give me a shy smile and quietly thank me before nervously looking away.

Your hand—it's so warm and comforting. It soothes me and—

Oh Natsuki, the things I will do for you. I want nothing more than to lean into you like I did yesterday night and forget about the wretched world around me. I feel so tired but I know better than to relax. I have only narrowly escaped for the time being. Had my victims accused me, I would not be in this position. For now, it is best that I remain diligent and ensure that I receive no negative attention.

There is still a considerable amount of unease in the room and I expect that chaos will break out once more if given the chance. Just as Yuuki-san had said, many of the people here will try their hardest to disavow their actions in order to protect themselves. They must do so even if it means lying to themselves as otherwise their sense of self will become just as shattered as mine. After all, the moment you start to doubt the very fundamental parts of your being, the things that you base your entire identity upon, you begin to lose your identity. I know this better than anyone, Natsuki, and how frightening the absolute nihilism that results is.

The meeting resumes in a more subdued fashion as the Rijichou-san and Reito-san continue their explanation. They have shifted to talking about the final Carnival and what made it so special. I assume during the time I was distracted, Reito-san must have discussed the wishes of the Crystal Princess and what role that they played in perpetuating the Carnival. Going by what he said, it appears what Nagi has told me is true: the winner of the Carnival does gain all the power of the Star; however, the Obsidian Lord had perverted the process so that she only gains admission by first going through him. This is the way that the Obsidian Lord was able to ensure his existence and how he was able to exercise some degree of control over the Star.

It also seems that the irregularities of this Carnival were due in part to the Rijichou-san's wish. Hers had been to end this cycle of suffering without alerting the Obsidian Lord of her intentions. And, just as the Obsidian Lord was a merge of the Child and the most precious person of the First Crystal Princess, she was able to seal part of her spirit away into an Orphan who would later become Fumi-san's Child in order to help oversee her wish. However, beyond of this, the Chairwoman could not directly go against her role as the Crystal Princess without being noticed so her acts of defiance were small. She was able to lessen the Obsidian Lord's awareness, which allowed Reito-san's own desires influence the abomination's. This also permitted outside forces like the Searrs Foundation to rise without being immediately quashed.

Here Higurashi-san immediately bursts out. "Where is Miyu? She was the one who killed Kazu-kun!"

"I had extended my invitation for this meeting to both her and Alyssa Searrs, but they have declined it. As far as I know, they are still somewhere on the campus. However, Higurashi-san, you should also know that it is because of Glear-san that we are here now. She is the one that had freed me and without her many of us sitting at this table would be still be dead."

"But still! That doesn't give her the right to do what she did! She still deserves to…to suffer like I did!" At this Higurashi-san breaks off in tears and Kurauchi-san gets up from his chair to comfort her.

I notice that the atmosphere is becoming tense again as many of the participants are getting riled by Higurashi-san's justification. I suppose I cannot fault her for it as I harbor similar sentiments.

Before another argument can break out, the Chairwoman raises her voice once more. "Enough. Everyone, please listen to me," she says and only continues once she has gotten everyone's attention. "I never once thought I should control your actions or change your beliefs. I have always thought it was best for all of you to find your own way, to walk your own path. I trusted—and I still trust—all of you to do what you think is right. Therefore, I won't ask you to apologize to one or another or do anything that is against your will.

"However," she sighs before continuing, "it doesn't look like we will be able to get any farther today than this. I wanted to at least gather you together once more to explain what happened in the Carnival and to also face each other once more. I want you to remember that, regardless of your differences, it was only together that we were able to defeat the Obsidian Lord and overturn our wretched destiny. Please do not forget this."

"Are we going to end the meeting here then?" Mai-san asks when no one else responds.

"Yes, Tokiha-san. I'm sure that many of you still have questions I haven't had the chance to answer. If you do, please come seek me out."

"So we're not going to have another meeting?" Suigura-sensei asks curiously.

"Not like this. If you wish to gather together once more, please decide that amongst yourselves. If you require any assistance, I will be happy to help; however, I do not plan on intervening on my own accord again."

Here it is again, I think whimsically to myself, here is the philosophy of Kazehana Mashiro who has laid the framework that this academy operates on. I suppose only someone who is a child herself would trust children to govern themselves to such an extreme degree. Fuuka Gakuen's Student Council and the autonomy it has is a testament of the Chairwoman's ethos.

The meeting soon ends and everyone leaves the library relatively quickly. No one wishes to linger in fear of being drawn into another argument. Reito-san is one of the first to leave the table and, as he passes me with the aid of Mikoto-chan, he gives me a lazy wave before seeking Tate-kun out.

I stay in my seat for a little while longer, finishing up my tea while you sit at my side. From my peripheral vision, I see Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san approaching. I suppress the urge to sigh as I stand up.

"Shall we get going then?" I ask them with a smile.

All things considered, the meeting has gone by relatively smoothly. I could not have asked for anything more. I do however hope that the rest of the day will also progress just as smoothly. I will keep my cool. I will stay focused. And as long as you are at my side, Natsuki, I can and I will do anything.


	9. Chapter 9

**Natsuki**

You would think by now I'd be able to tell when you're serious or not, Shizuru, but I'm still not able to. It shouldn't be this difficult, especially after what I've—we've—been through together but, once again, no: I still can't figure out what goes on in that head of yours. Your thoughts are still so elusive to my comprehension—they're still so far from my grasp. Sometimes I have to wonder if you're thinking at all, but then I remember the times when you suddenly say things that don't make any sense until I realize that you're talking about things that have yet to happen, that your words reveal how many steps you have thought ahead. Seriously, Shizuru, can't you be more considerate to people who don't think like you do?

It's because of my lack of understanding that, after the meeting, I barely register the exchange between you and Suzushiro. One second I'm trying to sort through all the information regarding the HiME and the Carnival and the next second I find that you've agreed to meet with that girl at her place. And if you're going to go, I know I can't stop you and it's not like I'm going to let you go alone so of course I end up getting dragged further into this whole mess.

Urgh, I still can't believe we're actually going to Suzushiro's estate, especially after that ridiculous meeting. You have to be just as tired and overwhelmed by the whole thing as I am. The amount of information we were given and all the tension in that room—how could you stand it? How could you stay so calm during that whole thing, Shizuru? I was so nervous and worried the entire time that something bad was going to happen, that someone was going to completely lose it and, well, a second Carnival would occur. And when it almost did and you were just going to let it happen, I couldn't let either stand like it was and—and—

Why do you have to act like this, Shizuru? Why is it so hard for me to figure you out? I keep going over these thoughts in my head in hopes that something starts to make sense.

I can feel your arms around me as I drive. Your grip is lighter than it used to be, just like it was this morning when we went shopping together. You used to hold me much tighter, probably both because of your irrational fear that you're going to fall and your usual odd sense of skinship or whatever.

I've never thought about it before, but don't you think it's strange how two people can be so close together but also so distant at the same time? There's barely any space between our bodies, but our minds couldn't be more far apart. This entire thing's strange to me—it's weird, Shizuru, this difference between the past and the present. We're going through the same movements as we used to but, because of how we're now, it's like the meaning behind them has completely changed.

What are you thinking, Shizuru? What's going on in that head of yours? You never did open up to me— you avoided doing so yesterday and I…and I can't stop worrying about you! What are you going to do if something bad happens again, Shizuru? How are you going to handle it when you realize you can't run away? We both know that you can't keep your mask up and what's going to happen when you completely lose it again? What if I'm not there to stop you?

We're almost at Suzushiro's place and I still have all these doubts and I can't stop worrying. I don't want to let you meet with them because who knows what will happen. The last time the four of us gathered it…it ended so badly that I still can't bring myself to remember that night. I don't ever want to have to deal with something like that again. I refuse to let it happen again. So when I see the road branch into two, I decisively take the path up the mountain, away from that girl's estate. My actions cause your grip around me to tighten in confusion.

I haven't driven here since that night. The road had been slippery then, due to the heavy rain. My mind had been even more chaotic than it is now. Back then, I couldn't deal with the information that the Smith guy gave me; the news of my mother's betrayal had totally destroyed me. And I…and I realize just now that I can't lose you like that, Shizuru. I can't lose my trust in you or I won't know what to do with myself.

I came to that conclusion the last time I was here with that tanuki, but it's not until now that the impact of that conclusion finally hits me. I realize what it means. It means that, while I may believe in the memory of my mother, I may trust the mother who dwells in my heart, she's just that: my mother is now just a memory to me. You're not, Shizuru. You're right here beside me, holding onto me. And I can't, I can't have you let go of me or else we're both going to crash headfirst into the literal and metaphorical pavement. That's why I went after you that day. That's why I made the decision to kill us both, Shizuru. You're my most precious person and I'm yours—we can't exist without each other. Even without the burden of being a HiME, I get the feeling that this still holds true. I just know that it's true.

We reach the cliff that marks my mother's watery grave. It is also the place where you first saved me during the Carnival, when you first revealed yourself as a HiME to me. No, that's not right—the night before that, you protected me from Mikoto and held back Mai, didn't you? I guess you really were serious when you said you were always watching me, Shizuru.

The thoughts you had back then, around and during the time of the Carnival—were they similar to mine? Did you worry about me the same way I worry about you now? If it is then…then I think I'm starting to understand you a little better, Shizuru. And I can't help wondering how you managed to cope with these feelings for so long. It feels horrible bottling it all inside of you—it's like you're falling into a never-ending, hopelessly deep chasm of constant despair.

I park my bike and take my helmet off. As I do, you reluctantly get off. When you remove your helmet, I see your troubled expression.

"Natsuki, why are we here?" you ask.

"You might be ready to face them, but I'm not," I say honestly as I set my helmet down on the bike. I then move to the edge of the cliff.

You hesitate for a few moments before walking to my side. The ocean breeze is cool, especially as the sun begins to set. You shiver and I wonder if it's from the cold or something else.

"Why are we here?" you ask again. Despite your neutral tone, your words sound like an accusation.

"Because I want to talk to you, Shizuru," I say bluntly. "I'm sick of always trying to play catch up with you. It's like I'm always the last to know and I don't want it to be that way."

You turn away from me so all I can see is your golden-brown hair blowing in the wind. I wonder if I pushed too hard.

"If you don't want to, you don't have to, Shizuru," I say as I reach my hand out to grab your shoulder. Before I can, I retract it. It's probably best not to touch you now. "I'm just worried about you," I say helplessly.

"Natsuki is too kind."

"Shizuru," I plea. When my plea falls on deaf ears I sigh and say, "So are you for always being so considerate of my feelings. You should be selfish from time-to-time too."

"Natsuki should then be mine."

Your words send a shiver down my spine and I bite back the urge to shudder. I can't tell if you're serious or not: your words sound so hollow, just like how they were when we fought on the rooftops of the Academy. But at the same time, it's different from how you said it before. The hollowness back then came from the fact that your words were like a mantra you made yourself believe in. Now you're saying it as if you don't believe in them, like you're only repeating them out of obligation or something like that. I don't know whether I should be relieved or not that you have no intention of following through with your words or if I should be worried about the change and what that possibly means. All of this is too difficult for me. I can't even begin to fathom the depths of your emotion. My mind instantly clamps up and refuses to think on this train of thought.

Unable to take the pressure, I sit down on the edge of the cliff. My feet dangle over the precipice as I look down. There used to be guard rails here, ones that were useless the night my mother's car crashed into the sea. They're gone now because, during the night you saved me from Nao, you had cleanly sliced away the portion of the rock they were connected to. And in that single motion you didn't just separate me from her, you also separated me from my mother's memory. Sitting here, I can no longer just think of my mother and her death—I also have to think of you and your actions. And it's so weird, Shizuru, how so many of my thoughts are centered around you now. Hell, I never used to put my own self under such intense scrutiny before, let along someone else.

"Things like belonging to someone, I don't understand it," I say honestly. "So I can't be yours."

You exhale and simply stand there, your face hidden by your hair blowing in the wind. After a few minutes you sit down beside me.

"Natsuki is very innocent," you say sullenly. The look in your eyes is empty though not in the same way as before during that…that horrible night. It's more like your pouting or something. So I just smile to myself and shrug my shoulders.

"Innocent or not, that's how I feel. That much hasn't changed since I've died."

You say nothing and instead look down to the ocean below us. The waves are so dark and powerful—I can feel the vibrations of them crashing into the jagged rocks from here. I then shudder as I recall how cold the waters were that fateful night.

This place is far too connected to my past for me to ever be fully comfortable here. I come here to remember things, to reaffirm the promises I keep with myself. I guess it's a good thing then that you've sliced through this cliff. Now when I come here, I also have to make sure I'm being truthful to you as well.

"It would not take much to fall," you say suddenly, kicking your feet out childishly. The action is offset by your morbid words. "The solace it would grant would be tremendous. All I would simply have to—Natsuki?"

My grip is tight on your wrist. I had interrupted you before you could say anything more.

"Natsuki, you are hurting me."

"If you try to jump, I'll jump right after you," I say roughly. I can feel the adrenaline pumping inside of me and my muscles tense reflexively. "You can't stop me, Shizuru."

You looked shocked by my words before you expression melts into a bitter smile.

"I am not that much of a coward to jump. If I was, I would have done so long ago, even before I met you."

I loosen my grip on your wrist though I'm reluctant to completely let go. I honestly don't know what to do, Shizuru. Everything keeps piling up on me—I don't have the time to organize my thoughts and figure out what's happening or what to even feel so I keep getting dragged around, unable to take control. And at the center of all my indecision and insecurity is you, Shizuru. I can't figure out my feelings for you. All I know is that I can't let you go. All I know is that I can't let you jump; I can't let you run away from me.

"Why are you doing this?" you ask.

"Because you're precious to me," I reply impatiently. I feel myself get annoyed because of how many times I've said it recently and yet you still don't believe me. I then stuff that irritation back down and remind myself to be patient. "I want to know what you're thinking—I want to know more about you, Shizuru."

"And what if you despise the person you find?"

"That's not for you to decide." When you flinch, I internally berate myself and wish I was better at reassuring people. "Besides," I say more delicately, trying to soften my speech, "after everything we've been through, you owe me at least that much."

My words seem to be effective as you look away from me and back to the sea. You expression is both troubled and contemplative as you deliberate. As you do, I remember when I had first brought you here. It was a couple years back, around the time I first got my bike. That was the day that I told you about my mother and what happened to her. Even though I never wanted you to get involved in my own personal struggles for revenge, it was because of your constant encouragement that I had finally explained to you the reason behind my personal motives and drives. I guess the table's finally turned.

"I will not discuss any of the events of the Carnival with you, however if you wish to know a little of my background, I will divulge that much. Is that all right?" you say at last.

"That's fine."

"Very well," you begin before you hesitate. I get the feeling you don't know where to or how to start, and that you've never told anyone before about your past.

"Your family—what's your family like?" I ask cautiously.

"I am an only child," you reply. "My parents are still alive."

"Are you close with them?"

You chuckle cynically. I instantly recognize the tone as the one I use when I talk about my father. "I am estranged from them. That is why I transferred as abruptly as I did to Fuuka."

I vaguely recall that time. Even I couldn't escape the rumors of a mysterious transfer student who transferred from a prestigious all-girls school in Kyoto so late into the school year that you were advised not to buy a middle school uniform and instead wore a high school one for the last few months of your third year. Combined with your abrupt transfer that no one knew the reason for and the fact you were considered perfect in every way…I think in the first month alone I heard at least eighteen some rumors about you and your past, each more ridiculous than the last.

_Such a person couldn't possibly have anything to do with me_—that was my first thought regarding you. It's funny how things turned out the way they did. In the beginning, how could we have known our lives would become so entangled with each other's? I wonder what my younger self would have done had she known our friendship would end up like this. Honestly, that me seems so far away now, almost like a different person.

When it becomes clear that you weren't going to say more, I ask as gently as I can, "What happened?"

You bring your legs up to your chest and hide your face in your knees. The action is childish and, looking at you from the side, I realize how young you actually are. You usually act so mature so it's so hard to tell your age, but in reality you're barely a year older than me. Your emotions and the way you handle them—they can't be that much different from mine, can they?

"I love you Natsuki."

I blink furiously as I try to figure out how to react to your sudden declaration. "I-I know," I say awkwardly.

"You are the first person I truly loved. But you are not my first crush. At my previous school, there was a girl who confessed to me and we…we were soon found out."

"Oh." Suddenly your declaration makes sense to me, but I'm still not sure how to take this new information. Why did you make that distinction between me and that other girl? It's not like I really care—but at the same time I have this weird feeling at the center of my chest. "So, um…w-what happened then?" I say clumsily, trying to ignore the unpleasant lump inside of me.

"Her love letter to me was found. Nothing happened between us—not even a kiss—however, when I was confronted by my parents and the school board, I would not deny our relationship. I have always been honest about my feelings, after all."

"Why?" I blurt out causing you to turn away from your recollection and towards me. "It doesn't seem worth it, especially after…after everything."

You laugh at this. "What does Natsuki think of me?" When I stutter and try to regain control of my suddenly frozen tongue, you simply look back towards the sea and say matter-of-factly, "Fujino Shizuru is a rare beauty from Kyoto who always carries herself with dignity. She is like a noblewoman from the Edo Era, so cultured and refined is she." You then look at me conspiratorially, like you were sharing with me some kind of joke or secret.

"Of course I was quite refined," you continue. "My parents raised me specifically to be that way. I was schooled in the various arts of the old era from the time I was able to walk. I never minded as I enjoyed many and excelled at them all. This is simple the truth of my bearings. It is, after all, very difficult for a girl of my age to be as I am without some sort of compulsion or motivation." You then laugh self-derisively. "I suppose it also shouldn't be so surprising then that I, so meticulously trained in the womanly arts, became so appreciative to the beauty of its practitioners.

"A-ah," you sigh, lost in your recollection, "I really do like cute girls. And Natsuki is the cutest of them all."

"Oi, S-Shizuru!" I stutter, unable to contain my almost immediate blush. "W-What…"

When you look at me, your expression is so relaxed and open like it used to be before the Carnival. You seem so content and free but that expression slowly fades into a look of horrific embarrassment as you realize your error. You then turn shyly away from me.

"Forgive me, I was too carried away," you say quietly.

"I-It's fine, really, Shizuru." I stammer, wishing I could figure out a way to reassure you. In truth, I'm not bothered by your confession…but that contradicts how I felt during the Carnival and I never really got over that and…

Damn it, everything's so much easier when you don't have to think about these things. I almost wish that I could make up some excuse about not having the time to sit down and think these kinds of things through, but I can't bring myself to actually do it. So we just sit there awkwardly, lost in our own conflicted thoughts. Finally, to my relief, you break the silence.

"From the time I was very young, I learned how to contain my feelings and hide them away so I could master the art of polite conversation. I learned how to search others for their weaknesses without revealing my own and how to make my fake emotions seem real. And so it became very easy for me to lose myself in my words, to become the masks I exuded. The only way I could prevent losing my true feelings was to always be completely honest with myself. I may hide myself away from others, but I would never do so with myself. And when confronted directly, for my own sake, I would never lie about who I am in fear of becoming that lie."

When I turn to you, I see that you're still looking off into the distance. You've changed your sitting position so you're now sitting in sort of a slanted seiza with your legs in front of you: you're leaning to the right and using your hand to support your weight. It's a relaxed position and, from here, you seem at ease. Or rather, you look like you have nothing to lose and nothing to hide—it's like you're resigned to your fate. I realize then I probably could ask anything of you and you would answer me without question. It's a troubling thought.

"Thanks for confiding in me," I say when it's clear you won't continue speaking. You've already said a lot and I don't want to push you too far. As I start to get up, however, you say suddenly:

"Natsuki?"

"Yeah?"

"What do you think the relationship between the First District and the HiME is?"

"Huh? Don't they just gather the HiME and make sure the Carnival is successful?"

"That is correct—why do you think that is?"

"Uh, because if they do, they're blessed by the Obsidian Lord?" I say, thinking back to what that guy said early today.

"Yes, now how many of the HiME you know were born in Fuuka?"

"What are you getting at, Shizuru?" I ask, confused.

You look away before saying hesitantly, "While you were investigating the First District, I did my own research as well as I was concerned for your safety. I thought it was odd that many of the HiME were born in and raised in Fuuka City. I found that if you trace the genealogy of all the HiME, you will see that we all have relatives who lived here three hundred years ago."

My eyes widen when I realize what you're implying.

"Wait, Shizuru, you don't mean…"

"I would need more documentation to confirm it, but I believe all of us are in some way connected to the First District."

I sharply exhale and my brain shifts gears. I—this is so ridiculous, Shizuru. In all my years of searching and tracking them, I never thought to consider this possibility. But at the same time, I can't believe that I didn't think of this before. I mean, I knew the First District was tracking and bringing the HiME to Fuuka, but I never thought about those who were already here like I was. And statistically, at least half the HiME including myself were born around Fuuka City and that can't just be a coincidence. It doesn't make sense for twelve HiME to be randomly selected in Japan either—trying to gather them would be impossible, especially in this day and age. Given what they tried to do with us, it's not like they could blackmail girls to go here against their will. Then again, I'm sure there are probable ways to get around that, but I still highly doubt we were randomly given the marks.

Even if the HiME were randomly selected, it wouldn't make sense for them to be just limited to being Japanese. And back when we were first resurrected, the Chairwoman had given us our marks back. This means that it's possible for the one in control of the Star to hand them out. And if they could be given out, that implies that we were selected from some kind of criteria. And if you're right about the genealogy thing, Shizuru, that the HiME marks were given through blood or something…that must means we're all descendents of the First District. That, in order to receive the blessing of the Obsidian Lord, the First District offered their daughters to that bastard.

When you see realization dawn in my eyes, you say quietly, "I thought so too. Everything is too convenient to merely be happenstance."

"So you too? And Mai and everyone else?" I blurt out, unable to contain myself.

"There is the possibility that, due to various circumstances, many of our close relatives are no longer associated with the First District nor do they possess the knowledge that such an organization exists. Three hundred years is a long time and the promise of the Obsidian Lord has very little basis to it. Even more, the fate of the HiME known in its entirety is a very cruel one for many of the modern world to stomach. It is a sacrifice many are no longer willing to bear," you say carefully.

"What about your parents?" I press.

You hesitate for a moment before you say, "When I was born with the mark of the HiME, my family was overjoyed. We were once nobility—my mother could trace her immediate bloodline to the Daimyo and our family had generations upon generations of military heroes. We lost almost everything after the war: all our assets were seized. So it was in me they placed their hopes of reviving imperial Japan and restoring its former glory. I was to be the perfect wife." At this you start laughing quietly and the way you do makes my heart ache. All at once your laughter is harsh and empty, caustic and incredibly forlorn. I can't imagine what you had to go through to come to this insight, Shizuru, especially all alone.

"Ah," you sigh almost poignantly. "For the perfect wife to be in want of her own."

There are no tears in your eyes: your look is of sad resignation. It's like you've completely given up on everything. And I can't do anything for you, Shizuru—I don't know what I can do to comfort you or how to console you. I don't know how to deal with this kind of topic so all I can do is try to shift the conversation back to something I'm capable of talking about. "So your parents knew everything about the HiME?" I ask quietly.

"My family is far more connected than that," you say without looking at me. "My grandmother on my mother's side is on Fuuka Gakuen's Board of Directors."

My eyes widen again. I deducted a couple months back with the help of the Chairwoman's cryptic replies that all the higher ups at this school were connected to the First District so that means that you—

Noticing my discomfort, you immediately grasp my hand with both of your own and say, "I didn't know anything at the start, Natsuki, you have to believe me. I was kept in the dark as much as you and the others were. They wanted our emotions to be pure so they deliberately hid things from all of us to make us more desperate. And when I found out about your revenge and how I was tied to it, I didn't stop you or hide anything from you—I just never told you about my grandmother because I was afraid you'd hate me. Please believe me, Natsuki."

You look so distraught and I just feel so lost. The hands holding mine are shaking, they convey your anxiety, and I still don't understand why you care so much about my feelings that you'd so carelessly throw away all your poise. You've given up on your past and your family but a mere look from me will send you spiraling into panic? I really don't get it and, once again, I'm confronted with the gravity of your love for me and how I still can't properly answer it or even comprehend it.

You've stood up and are now discreetly wiping the tears from yours eyes with the handkerchief you pulled from your pocket. Before you can open your mouth and make up an excuse, I stand up and embrace you from behind. I honestly don't know why—but it seems like there's more to the whole skinship thing that I originally thought. I mean, it's been working for you, and it worked before with that ninja girl, Nao, Mai…

"Natsuki?"

I shake my thoughts aside and try to concentrate on what's happening in front me. My grip around you tightens.

"I'm sorry, Shizuru," I say. I can feel you jerk in surprise at my words. "All this time, you were suffering and I never bothered to notice or care."

"Natsuki should not worry with the likes of me," you say softly, still trying to mitigate my concern. "I am in debt to your kindness."

Shizuru, why are you doing this even now? You always make it seem like you're the one who's messed up. Stop putting all the weight on your shoulders, damn it, and let me help bear your burden.

I pull away from you and you turn towards me. I see the gentle and sad expression in your burgundy-colored eyes as you take a step closer to me.

"Please don't cry for me."

When I tentatively bring my fingers to my eyes, I'm surprised to find them wet. Am…am I really crying? I frantically wipe my tears away with the sleeves of my jacket. Since when did I get so emotional? I used to never cry because I thought it was a waste of time and now I can't go a day without doing so. This entire thing is so stupid.

"Stupid Shizuru." I hear myself say, unable to contain my frustration. I hate how childish I sound but I can't help it. This entire thing is just too overwhelmingly ridiculous that I can't wrap my head around it and I don't know how to express the frustration I feel.

You smile almost longingly at me before you gently lay your hand on the top of my head. You then walk away from me and all I can concentrate on is that spot where your hand used to be. The weight of it—it had been very heavy, Shizuru. The weight of that hand had been far too heavy for me to bear.

I still have so far to go before I can reach you. The Carnival may have ended, but the memory of it still looms so much around us. The danger is gone, but the implications and the effects of it have not. There's still so much we have yet to overcome and—and I have yet to reach you, Shizuru. This much is apparent to me. There is still so far for me to go before I can properly answer you. And I can't stand this helpless feeling. I'm so wrapped up in my own hopeless inadequacies that I can't even help myself let alone you.

When my urge to cry finally goes away, I look up find that you're standing close to the cliff. The ocean winds play with your hair and, after a while, you reach up to tuck the loose strands behind your ear.

I remember how you stood here the last time. You had cut an imposing, monstrous figure as you protected me from Nao. You seemed so magnificent, so untouchable back then like nothing in the world could harm you. You were my protector, my knight in shining armor. You were there when I needed you most, just like you always were.

And now you just seem so small and fragile like you're going to break any second. There's something so tragic about the way you carry yourself that it makes my entire body tremble. You really did give yourself wholly up to your ambition: you became your actions, didn't you, Shizuru? In your terrible crusade to protect me, you made yourself a martyr.

Nao and the others can distance themselves from what they've done, they can rationalize it to a degree because their actions were simply an extension of themselves. It's the same with me. Hell, I realize I'm to blame for the fact that it started and my stupidity dragged you into this, but I'm able to move on because those things never defined me. But you? Yours did. You became the monster: you became defined by your actions rather than them defining you. And so you're branded and scarred in a way that rest of us aren't. We can take back our actions, but you can't take back yourself.

Your words before, early this night—they make sense to me. Everything about you now clicks and falls into place. And it makes it all-the-more painful to watch you and see you like this, Shizuru. You're just like the rest of us HiME: you're just another girl who fought to protect what she held dear. You did what everyone else did, only better and more sincerely. And now you're paying more than the rest of us are and there's nothing I can do to make you stop and it hurts to see you like this, Shizuru. I hate the fact that you're the one who has to suffer the most and I can't do anything to prevent it.

I know that I'm powerless to help you: I can't offer you any words that would bring you relief. In these last few days, I have realized that there's still so much for me to learn about you. And I want to—I want to learn everything about you. I want to be there for you now just out of some sense of obligation, but because I _need_ to be there for the both of us. And I will, Shizuru. I will be.

I may not be able to stop you completely, but I can at least protect you the best I can. And, maybe one of these days, I will be able to support you like you have me. I promise that I'll always be there for you, my most precious person.


	10. Chapter 10

**Shizuru**

So dark are the roads we now traverse. Were it not for the lights on your motorcycle and the faint glimmer of the moonlight permeating through the clouds, we would be driving in pitch black. Dusk has quickly transitioned to night during our brief interlude and we now drive along the roughly paved mountain roads.

As we travel closer and closer to Suzushiro-san's villa, scattered streetlights begin to appear in the topography. Their lights blur in my eyes like fond memories as we speed past them: they are a welcomed, but brief respite from the darkness that seemingly threatens to engulf us.

When I tire of watching the scenery, I close my eyes.

I remember the night of Suzushiro-san's party. Afraid that she would discover that Mai-san and Mikoto-chan were gone and would throw one of her usual tantrums, Reito-san had sought me out to help search for them. We soon enlisted the help of Sugiura-sensei and Sagisakwa-sensei. After a quick look around the premise, we headed towards the beach, driving on this very same road.

Oh, imagine my surprise when I found you with them, Natsuki. And that pose of yours! Just remembering it makes me smile. How adorable you were then, my Natsuki, wearing that swimsuit and blushing that deep shade of red. Your usual gruff demeanor had been shaken, revealing your easily flustered side. How cute you were then, my beloved Natsuki, when you climbed meekly into my lap when faced with the choice between me and Reito-san during the ride back. I almost could not hide my dismay when you insisted that you be brought back to your motorcycle, but I nevertheless treasured the few minutes you spent clinging onto me that night and the feel of your bare skin against my own.

And now, once more, just as before, I have you in my grasps. I have you in my arms again. I feel the warmth of your body near me; my hands lay on those beautiful contours of your sleek form. And yet…and yet I cannot indulge in this fact. Just like the kiss I imparted on you before and all the times I made excuses to touch you, I know that each action is stolen and that your body is not mine to take.

I know better than to think I can possess you like this. I know that you will escape from me just as you have before. After all, during the time of our battle and perhaps even before then I knew I could not have you by simply taking your body. It's not enough to possess it as the Natsuki I…the Natsuki I loved, lusted, and obsessed over was not simply that. No, I know—I knew even back then, at the height of my insanity—that if you are to truly belong to me, I must have all of you. You must only look at me—you must only think of me!

That is why I was content to die in your arms. That is why I found relief that day. Regardless of your innocent yet misguided words, the fact that you were to die mine was enough to sooth me. No one else could have you in death but me.

Forgive me, but that—that absolute yearning I had towards you, Natsuki, I can almost feel it washing over my conscious. That ever-so convenient insanity beckons me to fall into it once more, to sink back into that feverish delirium that once overtook me. It's so easy to believe that you are mine, that you are only mine, and you are mine to take and all I have to do is, all I need to do in order to obtain you is…is I—

I suppose I am being miserable again, yet what choice do I really have? My secrets have been discovered and yet I still have no way of protecting myself or preventing the past from repeating. I know where this path of obsession leads to yet I still find myself bound to it. And so—and still—I remain.

I know better than to think I can and will ever be able to possess you. I know you will never belong to me in the way I desire. Or rather, in the way I once desired. Now, I am unsure of what I want. So I continue to think of these unhappy thoughts, turning every which way I can think of. And as all the factors remain the same, I continue to return to these very same sentiments every single time.

Even though I now have a chance to redo my life, I have to wonder whether or not it is worth it or if I even can veer off this self-destructive path. After all, regardless of your well-meaning concern, my feelings for you remain ever a part of me. My obsession with you still drives me even after trying my hardest to shut that side of me away. Even now I still use you as an excuse to spurn my existence on. After all, what choice do I have?

Beyond you, I have no desires to call my own. Before you, I only went through the motions that were expected and never once dared to move beyond what was required of me. I played my part of the perfect scholarship student, president, and idol of Fuuka Gakuen out of dutiful obligation. And I only performed those roles because I could no longer play the perfect daughter after that mishap at my former school and becoming estranged with my parents. It was only with you that I had no script. With you, I had no expectations to meet.

Now that I can think about it, I think that was what drew me to you, Natsuki. Seeing you that day, in the flower garden, I…I think I was drawn to the image of a girl who cared nothing for the world around her. Compared to me who was suffocating under the pressure of all the social conventions, to see you so completely ill at ease, so openly hating your surroundings—so free from any ties—you conveyed the emotions I didn't know how to express. It was on your face—your beautiful, openly expressive face—that I saw my innermost feelings reflected back at me. So it was only with you—you who cared nothing about propriety and proper decorum— that I could relax without fearing any repercussions. With you, I could finally be myself. Natsuki, it was with you that I learned to be me.

And that's—that is the joke. That is my greatest conceit. Don't you see, Natsuki, my obsession with you had just as much to do with me as it did you. I loved you because only through loving you I could love myself.

A~ah, isn't that sad? Isn't it pathetic that my entire identity is built surrounding you and my interactions with you? It is for this very reason my life has played out as it has. Even now, I cannot move beyond this self-imposed cage. Not only are my mental facilities still recovering, there is also the fact that you refuse to leave me alone. Even if I wished to, I cannot forget about you when you are right next to me, Natsuki, forcing me to constantly reevaluate the grounds that I stand upon.

And the grounds that support me—oh how they quake. Oh how they shake—the tremors reverberate over and over like the clang and clamor of a steel gong, sending vibrations up and through my form until my legs crumble beneath me as the earth splits open and sends me straight back into the flames of my hellish, nightmarish past that is ever-repeating and ever-lasting.

Being next to you is very difficult for this very reason. I try my best to suppress my desires and forget the thoughts that once drove me insane. However, at the same time, you force me to remember and recall them and I will never deny you of any requests. And now, and yet, even my words around you become an act like. Around the only person I thought I could cherish, I—

I feel so tired from all of this, Natsuki. It goes against my nature to take these matters so seriously. If I could, I would want to laugh my burdens away, dismiss like trivial matters as they ought to be. However, as it stands my…my shoulders feel so heavy, and your back seems so inviting.

Almost involuntarily my arms wrap tighter around your waist and my helmet-protected head rests against your back. I sigh deeply, forcing myself to relax as we approach the entrance of Suzushiro-san's villa. I take comfort in your presence and our close proximity in spite of my unhappy thoughts.

My eyes, sore from all the crying I have done recently, close instinctively once again.

This back—your back—since when have you gotten so strong, Natsuki? That easily frightened, easily disgruntled child of the past has become so strong now. I am quite happy and proud of your development. My Natsuki has grown so strong and blossomed into a beautiful young woman. So strong you are now, my precious, precious Natsuki.

Oh how I wish this helmet I wear now would disappear so I could lay my head properly against your back as I had done the night before. Now that I have the strength to admit it, I have to concede that the precious moments that I have been able to share with you these last few days have brought me much relief. From the very core of my being, I am happy: I am relieved that you do not hate me and are still so willing to take me by the hand. Even though I hesitate to admit it and try my best not to linger on any false hopes, your determination to stand by me has been, and it remains, very comforting.

But Natsuki, you ask me to depend on you yet do you truly know what you ask? Even more, if you continue to insist, very soon I will have to accept your offer as I can't take much more alone. But when I do—when I do ask you to help me—will you still be there for me? After seeing all that I am—will you still want me by your side?

Ah, I really am quite an unhappy person, but I suppose this uncertainty is a possible answer. To balance precariously on this edge of sanity and insanity, skirting over my past madness in an attempt to peek at what could possibly lie on the horizon—this too is perhaps a valid next step for me. In the last few days, guided by your own persistence, I have moved closer towards my old self and can now at least recall pieces of my past without going insane. Perhaps in the future I can move beyond this hurdle.

I have little choice but to depend on you now, Natsuki. Just be careful of what you ask of me as I will do everything and anything you request.

The gates to Suzushiro-san's villa open automatically as we approach. Instead of slowing down, I hear your engines snarl and we accelerate, traveling much faster than before. We blow past the front of the manor, off the driveway, and onto the inlaid stone path which quickly dips down towards the ocean-facing patio. Your motorcycle roars once more as you jerk the handles up. We leap off the top of the stairs. Given my training as a HiME, I instinctively mimic your actions as we land. I throw my weight to the side as the wheels of the vehicle screech against the grass, turning up dirt as we skid to an abrupt stop. As we do, the belly of the motorcycle makes contact with one of the lawn tables and sends it flying through the air and hurtling precariously over the heads of Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san.

As we get off the motorcycle, Suzushiro-san stares blankly at us. She appears to be completely dumbfounded by our entrance. Her short bangs have been blown back by the errant table.

"You…You," she sputters before shouting. "What are you two thinking!?"

I leisurely remove my helmet. By my side, I see you have already taken yours off. Your lips are curled into a pleased smirk as you make no effort to hide your smug satisfaction. Our crash into the table had clearly been intentional.

"Good evening Suzushiro-san, Kikukawa-san," I say pleasantly. "Thank you for agreeing to meet with us."

Suzushiro-san's eyes bulge and she continues to sputter, trying to articulate her disapproval.

I have to admit, our entrance was quite well-played, Natsuki. The years you spent dodging Suzushiro-san have served you well. I couldn't have planned it better myself.

"I-I…Argh!" she screeches as Kikukawa-san peers at her with concern. She points at us and then to the wayward table. "You," she roars before stomping her foot on the ground. "You two have some nerve coming here over an hour late, deserting our grounds, and destroying our property. Is this really the conduct of students of our illustrious school? The President of our Student Council?"

"It's desecrating, Haruka-chan."

"That's what I said! Anyways, apologize immediately for your disorderly conduct!"

"Forgive me," I say brightly with a smile.

"Sorry," you unconvincingly add.

The Executive Director glares at us before letting out another frustrated shriek. After everything that has happened the last few days, it is somehow refreshing to see her so energetic.

Before she can launch into another diatribe, you cut her off:

"Let's get this over with—why do we have to meet you here?" you say impatiently.

Suzushiro-san looks at you and then to me. Finally, thinking better than continuing the conversation, she sighs and brushes her hair back into place.

"Really, here I was worrying over what I was going to say and then this happens," she mutters to herself as all the frustration in her melts into helpless resignation. "I should have expected this from the two of you," she says before she turns and walks towards the table we crashed into. Kikukawa-san follows after her.

I look at you and you simply shrug before we walk towards them. Together we return the table to its original place and position. Once done, Suzushiro-san sits down and the rest of us soon follow suit.

"Shall we get started?" I ask once we are properly situated.

Suzushiro-san clears her throat self-importantly. "There're a few things I want to talk about before our meeting tomorrow," she says. "My father also wants to discuss construction logistics before we go forward with them."

"That is expected," I respond vaguely.

"I've looked over all the documents you sent yesterday. They…they are good," she reluctantly admits. "They are really impressive, even for you."

"Thank you."

She falters at my lack of response before forcing herself to continue.

"I trust that we will be dividing up the responsibilities in greater detail tomorrow morning?"

"That is correct."

"And the actual budget of the reconstruction will be properly forecasted?"

"Once we are out of the early stages, yes."

"And the student roles will…they will be—

"They will be accounted for. Most have already been detailed in my current draft."

"I-I see, so that's how it will be." Suzushiro-san says with false confidence. She then visibly deflates and falls silent as she tries to think of something else to say. As she does, I continue to keep my visage politely blank. I care not about her struggles.

It's then that I feel Kikukawa-san's eyes boring into me. Almost instantly I remember the conversation we had in the garden before your—your sudden arrival.

My eyes narrow, my jaw clenches, and I look away, trying my best to hold those wretched memories at bay. My indifference had been a misstep. It is all-together too similar to what it was like before, in the garden, which begs close association to...

I feel your eyes on me, Natsuki, and because of that, I force myself to look up again.

"Is there anything else you would like to know, Suzushiro-san?" I ask.

Kikukawa-san is about to speak before the Executive Director holds up her hand. "It's fine, Yukino," she says before she pauses again. "While we were waiting for you, Yukino explained more of the HiME thing to me," she says, taking uncharacteristic care in enunciating her words. "It is clear that I failed to uphold my duties to the safety and wellbeing of our students as the Head of the Executive Committee."

It takes all my training to keep my empty smile on my face and my mind free from any comprehension. At my side, I see that your arms are crossed and your face is impassive. You look ready to fight. When I feel Kikukawa-san's eyes on me again, I finally speak. I hate to admit it, but I am afraid her words will trigger something within me.

"I won't apologize for my actions and I doubt you will as well, Suzushiro-san. The past is the past," I say candidly. While I have no stipulations of carrying an awkward conversation, it is better for me to steer the discussion in way that we won't stumble upon unpleasant topics.

Suzushiro-san nods slowly; she reluctantly agrees with me. Despite her usually tactlessness, the Executive Director is not wholly without her own discreet.

"So…so at the end, after you know…what happened?" she asks.

"I killed Shizuru," you instantly snap before I can respond.

"And both of you are—were—

"None of your business," you bluntly reply.

Suzushiro-san looks stunned by your answer and is ready to retort before she holds herself back again. She runs her hair through her bangs and sighs.

It is unusual to see her so unsure of herself. As I know the conversation will worsen if continued in this direction, I take pity on her. She has, after all, been more considerate than she usually is.

"Suzushiro-san, the reason why I accepted your request to meet tonight is that I need to know whether we can still work together. If you do not believe this to be possible, I will step down from my position as Student President and relinquish both it and this project to you."

Everyone at the table is shocked by my words. I don't know why they are so surprised—I believe I made it clear before where my priorities are. Even more, if I do not have the support of Suzushiro-san and her father, I will have no other alternative. While her father's support could possibly be replaced, my project could not be properly executed without Suzushiro-san overseeing it.

After a long moment of deliberation, the Executive Director shakes her head. "I will not ask that of you," she says before she scoffs and quietly admits, "if you have been proven to be anything, it's that you're a far better leader than me."

I smile blankly. Inwardly, I have to laugh at her statement. While I will not disagree with her, the fact is that I am a leader with deeply inherent flaws. My fault is one that Suzushiro-san has pinpointed since the beginning of my appointment—I honestly care nothing about rules, regulation, and the betterment of the people beneath me. I only took the position because it was expected of me and, more importantly, to help you with your investigations. Like Reito-san, I am a planner and a schemer by nature though I lack his vision as the only thing I truly care about is what is before me. For this reason, my ambition is limited and I only work out of obligation.

It is for that reason that I require Suzushiro-san's help. While I am respected by the entire student body of Fuuka Gakuen, I lack the charisma that would drive them to work together towards some common goal. Suzushiro-san, for all her bluster and blundering—or perhaps simply because of it—is much more equipped for the position of direct leadership and is the only one on the Student Council who has this ability. Only she can properly energize the base.

"Um, we shouldn't keep your dad waiting, Haruka-chan," Kikukawa-san says hesitantly after the silence continues for a few minutes longer.

"Huh? Oh yeah," Suzushiro-san says distractedly. "Clearly this conversation will not continue. However… ah seriously, let's just forget this and go."

You snort derisively at her lack of response and are the first to get up. You have always been impatient with these kinds of discussions. The few times you sat through Student Council meetings for my sake had left you bored to tears and your bad mood almost always inadvertently caused everyone around you to be nervous. For these reasons, those meetings ended earlier than usual and I may have occasionally taken advantage of this fact. And now, I am grateful that you are here with me. You have already managed to stave off an objectionable conversation before it could turn unpleasant.

We enter one the Suzushiro's many villas and it is as gaudy and anachronistic as I remembered. The mansion is filled with molds of indistinct marble busts, gilded animal sculptures, and enormous landscape portraits. On our way to the great hall where her father likely awaits, we pass a handful of maids and butlers and each one bows and murmurs his or her welcome to us when we pass.

As we continue to walk through the estate, I recall what I know of the Suzushiro family. The Executive Director is heir to a legacy first amassed by her grandfather in the late 1940s. Their company has since then broadened their scope to include the creation and recreation of all types of structures from industrial complexes, skyscrapers, to suburban homes. They further employ and contract many architecture firms to increase their lines of business. Suzushiro Construction is now one of the largest construction companies in the country. Even among the distinguished families who send their children to Fuuka, they are among the richest and most well-known.

With this kind of family narrative behind her, it is clear why Suzushiro-san acts the way she does. She has seen firsthand what diligence, hard work, and strict discipline can accomplish. She too is built from the same solid foundations that the Suzushiro buildings are famous for, and is made to believe that honest virtue will always receive its just rewards. That perseverance and blind loyalty to one's vision is all it takes to accomplish one's goals.

Heh. You will have to excuse me, Natsuki, but I find this notion rather humorous. There is something quaint about such innocence.

We reach the great hall. As the ornate white doors are opened for us, I see Suzushiro-san's father sitting near the middle of an enormously long table. The room is brightly lit by the multiple intricate chandeliers of gold and crystal that hang from the room's high and well-garnished ceiling.

As I have before, I can't help noticing that there is a clear, unmistakable resemblance between Suzushiro-san and her father. They have the same stubborn jawline, bold violet eyes, and wild blond hair. Despite his position as CEO of Suzushiro Construction, the elder Suzushiro's tanned form and well calloused hands betray where he prefers to spend his time. Though he is not particularly tall, he possesses the same incredible presence as his daughter, which makes him seem much larger than he actually is. His face is sharply angled and deeply defined though it lacks the same severity many Japanese businessmen have—there is a trace of humor in his expression and in how audaciously he wears his goatee.

I have met the elder Suzushiro on several occasions though they were usually circumstances where I could not avoid him. Despite his position as an important donor to the Academy, I prefer to delegate meetings with him to Reito-san. There is something about him that I instinctively and immediately dislike.

From the numerous papers scattered around the table, he looks up to regard us.

"Welcome, welcome, please come sit down," the elder Suzushiro booms as he gestures to the seats around him. After giving him a polite bow, I sit adjacent to him with you to my left. Suzushiro-san and Kikukawa-san sit opposing us. "Have you eaten dinner yet?" he asks.

"No," you sharply respond.

"We have made preparations to eat later tonight," I add more diplomatically. "Thank you for your offer."

"Would you at least like something to drink?" he asks as a maid moves to our side. I request green tea and you reluctantly order water. Once everyone has ordered, he stands up and presents me with white box. "A gift," he says.

"I unfortunately have nothing to offer."

"Nonsense, what do you call these?" he says as he gestures towards the papers in front of him. I notice that they are the documents that I had referenced and attached to the e-mail I sent to him yesterday.

"If that is the case, I will accept." I say and stand up to receive the rather heavy box.

"I had a meeting in Kyoto a little while ago. They are sweet potatoes I brought back."

"Thank you," I reply. While I normally prefer to prolong the idle chatter for as long as I can with meetings such as these, I can tell you are already getting impatient so I decide to forgo further pleasantries. I set the box down to my side.

"So how old are you, Fujino-kun?" he asks.

"I will be eighteen next month."

"Oh, you are younger than my daughter."

"Yes," I respond with a smile. For some reason, this fact has always bothered Suzushiro-san.

"And how long did it take you to put all this together?"

"It took about a week's time."

He laughs at this. "So it only takes you a week to put together a cost analysis of the damage done to the campus and what it would take to reconstruct it, procure blueprints for the original buildings, lay out an extremely detailed list of potential donors who would further fund it, and a tentative timeline for the competition? This on top of planning for the integration of government and military programs into the general academic curriculum, including student transition and involvement in said activities, which would require restructuring almost all the Academy's course and club schedules—which you have also accounted for. You even have written here a draft of an official statement to be released of the current events which will likely cause the school to retain—if not increase—its reputation in spite of these events."

"The Rijichou-san and Himeno Fumi have been instrumental in this process. I could not have accomplished as much without their help."

"Ah, yes, the twelve year-old Chairwoman. So it appears she is older than she look. Not that I am that surprised by this fact. I've always thought there was something inhuman about her."

"She was possessing a doll for most of this year."

Everyone looks curiously at me, including you as well, Natsuki. I simply smile and turn to thank the maid for bringing me my tea.

"From stray dogs to foreign military invasions, to a puppet possessing Chairwoman, this has truly been a strange year," the elder Suzushiro muses. From his tone and the way he has reacted to my bait, it is enough for me to gather he has heard of some of the events that have transpired. This makes me wary of how much he knows.

Suzushiro-san's father then claps his hands. "Well," he laughs, "as my daughter has made me agree to—and I myself believe—it is not my place to pry into internal student affairs. I was the Student President of Fuuka Academy in my day and I respect the autonomy of the Council, especially one lead by someone capable in such unusual times."

"Thank you," I reply politely. The Elder Suzushiro's comment does not relieve me. Rather, it makes me even more cautious. While Suzushiro-san's father makes the same extravagantly generous gestures as his daughter, it is one that has been tempered and made self-aware by age. He makes his generosity known only to increase his leverage in this conversation. He assures that his kindness is one that can easily be taken away and it is clear that very little escapes his eye.

"Now that we are settled, let's cut straight to business: while you have given me your proposal, I have demands of my own."

"Of course. This is why no contract has been drafted yet."

"I also want my team to do a damage report of the campus. We will create our own quote and cost estimation."

"Yes. What I sent you is merely an overview. We are open to all suggestions."

"We?" he asks as he strokes his goatee. "How much control do you have in this project?"

I smile at his boldness. As Suzushiro-san's father had been a former President of the Fuuka Gakuen Student Council, he knows the limitations of the position. It is written into the Academy's constitution that, while members of the Student Council can create and enforce rules that directly pertain to the student body, they cannot agree to anything that involves those outside of the school. I am therefore not allowed to sign anything on behalf of Fuuka Gakuen despite the fact that I represent it. Of course, given the Rijichou-san's condition, this has changed and I have taken on more roles and responsibilities than I normally would have. I suppose I am grateful for this as otherwise I would not know as much as I do about procuring school funding.

"I am backed by the Rijichou-san and Himeno Fumi. Most of this project is of my own design though they have provided the information necessary to fine-tune the details. They officially have the final say in the project's direction."

"And unofficially?"

"They have it as well. My word, however, will be carefully considered."

"So what you are saying, Fujino-kun, is that you are doing most of the legwork and the Chairwoman will be receiving most of the credit."

I frown and reach for my cup of tea. I take a drink from it instead of responding to his indirect accusation. I notice that the water is too hot and the maid had steeped the leaves for far too long. The taste of the tea is far too bitter and it has lost the subtle integrity of its flavor. After I set my cup down I say carefully, "Given both the Rijichou-san and my circumstances, Fumi-san will be taking most of the credit. The formal negotiations between Fuuka Gakuen and Suzushiro Construction, if you choose to accept this proposal, will be headed by her. I am merely a student representative who wishes to support her school to the best of her ability."

"'Merely a student representative' is it," he muses with a smile. "Well then, Student President, why do you think I should devote over 60% of my company and company assets to the reconstruction of Fuuka Gakuen?"

I give him a reserved smile as I pick my teacup up again. "Does Suzushiro Construction not pride itself for being a pillar of Japanese integrity? I am sure there are other companies who are willing to lend aid to an academy that has been so ravaged by foreign military powers."

He is taken aback by my comment but he quickly recovers. "Hah!" he barks, "are you threatening me?"

"I am merely a student who wants what's best for her school. Nothing more."

The elder Suzushiro shakes his head in disbelief and continues to chuckle to himself. "You're quite the dangerous one, aren't you?" he says, glancing appreciatively up at me.

I simply tilt my head and smile at his allegation. At my side, however, I see you shifting uncomfortably before crossing your arms. Suzushiro-san stiffens and Kikukawa-san flinches before looking down to her lap.

And with that, regardless of my own response, I lose all the traction I had in this exchange. The reactions of those around me confirm the businessman's suspicions. He now surveys me with a careful eye, likely trying to evaluate what has caused the others to react so strongly to his observation.

I know my weakness has been exposed and it takes all my strength to prevent my right eyelid from twitching.

I set my teacup down and close my eyes. I can feel your gaze on me and I can easily imagine the concern you likely have for me. For the sake of my own sanity, I ignore both my feelings and thoughts. I instead sigh before saying quietly, "You will see a large return investment if you choose to support Fuuka Gakuen. We have many resources at our disposal and the process of reconstructing the school will also allow you to establish many connections you would not have otherwise."

He smiles and I am thankful that he chooses not to pursue the original topic. "So that's how it will be," he muses as he strokes his goatee. He then stands up and walks towards a window nearby. After a moment of deliberation he finally replies, "On your behalf, Fuuka Gakuen will have my support. I will participate in further discussion regarding the Academy's reconstruction and enter additional negotiations."

I stand up and give him as short bow. "Thank you."

"That being said, I want to speak to you alone before you go."

Suzushiro-san immediately stands up. "Father," she pleads.

You remain in your chair but are now glaring up at him.

"Relax. I have no ill intentions," he says. "I merely want to speak to her, from one leader to another." He then turns his gaze to me. "Will you accept?"

"Shizuru," I hear you whisper. When I meet your eyes, I see your concern. I also see your resignation; you know that I will accept his request regardless of what you think. And you are correct in thinking this, Natsuki. Despite any personal misgivings or opinions I have of Suzushiro-san's father, I cannot reject his request without looking impolite.

"I accept," I respond.

He nods approvingly before turning back to the window. I am careful to keep my gaze to the table when you and the other two girls stand up and walk away. I know my resolve will likely weaken if I see your face again. I will not be able to keep this charade up unless I keep my mind free of any distractions.

I hear the door close behind me. When I look down at my teacup, I see that I have drunk barely a quarter of it. Besides the fact that I do not approve of the tea's taste, I prefer to use the teacup more as a prop than an actual beverage during meetings such as this. If I control the way I drink from it, I can use my actions not only to buy myself time, but also compose myself. You see, Natsuki, I have always believed that actions speak louder than words. Therefore, if you overlay your words with actions, your opponent's focus will be on your movement and you will be able to hide things he or she would otherwise notice. It is a good practice for someone like me since, due to my rather idiosyncratic predilection, I prefer not to lie.

"What is your motive?" the elder Suzushiro asks suddenly.

"I beg your pardon?"

He turns to me. While his expression is not directly confrontational, it is clear he is calculating something. "Why are your spending so much effort on a project you clearly care nothing about?"

"What makes you believe I care nothing about the reconstruction?"

"From the very beginning of this conversation, from the very moment I begun asking my questions, you have shifted the focus away from yourself. You deliberately avoided mentioning any agency or agenda you had unless I specifically asked about it. And when you did answer, your response was never about your desires—they were all about meeting requirements. Meeting expectations!

"Let me tell you something," he continues, "the Suzushiro believe that passion dictates everything. In order to have a solid framework, you must put all your effort into constructing it. Once you have this solid frame, everything you build on top of it will be strong. This is why, more than anything, what a leader needs is dedication and vision! He needs guts!"

I resist my urge to frown at his rant and instead reach for my teacup. From his spiel, it is clear that Suzushiro-san is her father's daughter. Their energy is rather exhausting to be subjected to and I dislike being told what to do. I feel my annoyance growing.

He clears his throat and unclenches the fist he made in his earlier spiel. "Now what is your answer?" he asks.

I set my teacup down and smile politely. "I'm sorry, what was your question again?"

He recoils from my evasion in a fashion similar to his daughter's, even matching the exact beat where her balance would slip. "You're quite the crafty one," he admits with a laugh.

"To answer your question, Suzushiro-kaichou, my reason for working on this reconstruction is my own and I am in a position that makes me capable of ensuring that it is handled properly. Should I not have stepped in to fulfill a role that should be mine?"

"The question isn't 'should you,' but do you truly want to?'" he quickly retorts. "Not than anyone expects a teenager to be responsible for something of this magnitude."

"This is what I desire," I state simply. "And this is what I am capable of."

"Yet this not what you truly want."

"A means to an end is still a means," I reluctantly admit. It is a bad step for me to reveal this much information, but I am too tired to think of a better excuse. "Why do you concern yourself with my intentions?"

He thinks for a moment before he walks back to the table and sits back down. "You would have to be blind not to see that something terrible has happened here in these last few weeks. Fuuka Gakuen was clearly center of something dangerous this past year. What more," he says as he impassive looks up at me, "any father would be concerned if and when his daughter abruptly disappears during the middle of the night only to reappear without another word. And now, after all of that, here you are requesting my assistance for dubious reasons to fix that academy."

I can't stop the hairs on the back of my neck from standing up and I can feel my vision going white as I try to prevent my hands from trembling.

He knows—of course he knows. He has been implying since the start of our conversation that he at least was partially aware of the events that have transpired over the course of few months. And now here he is indirectly accusing me and the part I played in the academy's destruction.

My first instinct is to lash out at him. Despite his stature, I am confident my training is enough to overpower him with my bare hands. But I restrain that part of me, not because I have any qualms about killing him, but because that would not be the most effective solution. Instead, I tilt my head to the side and smile.

"You said you would not pry into the matters of the Student Council, did you not?" I state calmly though I am not able to hide the coldness of my tone.

"So I did, but this is not a matter of the Student Council," he coolly states. "This is the question of a concerned father who is wondering if it is best to keep his daughter in this apparently dangerous academy. Since you are currently the effective head of this project, why don't you try convincing me of the excuses you have wrought?"

Tension mounts in the room as we stare at each other. Like his ill-mannered daughter, I doubt he is one to back down from his words, especially knowing what he likely knows. I consider his proposition before I sigh in resignation and force my aggressive nature to subside. "I don't think that is possible," I say quietly, "You appear to know much more than expected and no excuse I say will satisfy you."

"Then don't give me an excuse. Tell me what really happened."

"That is something to discuss with your daughter," I say almost absentmindedly, ignoring his animosity and my own violent temper. "To you, the concerned father, I can only assure you that the steps I am taking in this reconstruction will include preventative measures to protect the safety of the students. To you the businessman, I can only offer you a pivotal spot which will almost guarantee an increase in your company's profit and reputation.

"As for my place in it all…it's true, I have only taken on this role out of obligation. However," I firmly state as I look straight into his eyes, "I am someone who always sees her actions to the very end. I dislike leaving things unfinished."

He holds my gaze for a few more seconds before his expression softens. He gives me a curt nod. "Your resolution is something that many young people today lack. I will accept your response despite your skillful evasions as you have proven to be clearly invested in this project. Still," he pauses, "you have quite the task ahead of you."

"I will do as much as I am capable of," I repeat. Despite my initial impulse being correct in that Suzushiro-san's father is bothersome to handle, he does appear just as reliable as his daughter. An idea suddenly dawns upon me.

"I have a proposition for you."

"What is it?"

"In light of our conversation, your caution is understandable. While I currently can do nothing to alleviate your concern, I have an idea that can possibly address it."

"Let's hear it."

"Given the amount of assets you are investing in this Academy, it is only natural that you will become a shareholder. While I cannot completely guarantee it, I would like to offer you a seat on the Board of Directors."

He looks at me, his violet eyes wide with shock. "You would like to offer me a seat on the Board of Directors?" he repeats in disbelief.

I can't help smiling at his skepticism. "Yes. As you likely noted, the current Student Council is in a position where we hold a surprising amount of influence. Between the Vice President and my unique standing, our backing along with your own demand will likely ensure you a seat."

A few minutes pass in silence as he considers this proposal. Finally he burst out into incredulous laughter. "We truly live in strange times when a Student President can offer such a thing. I had my own plans of demanding answers, but this is even better than expected," he says as he looks up at me, his eyes shining with amusement and wonder. It is an expression I am used to as I have dealt with many similar businessmen who have underestimated me. "Are you sure you want to offer me this?"

"As I have said, I am merely a student who wants what is best for her school. I believe that your influence in the future will be a positive asset to Fuuka Gakuen."

Besides, I think to myself, his position on the Board will work to my favor. In a true Suzushiro fashion, I am sure he will rowdily disrupt their otherwise immediate consensus and interrupt any schemes they possible could concoct. And if I am lucky, he can handle their more bothersome habits on his own without my own intervention. This would be a win-win situation for me.

"Very well then. I believe we have an agreement." With that said, we both stand up and he walks to where I am. We shake hands and bow. "I won't keep you any longer as I am sure you have other things to do tonight."

"Thank you. We will be in touch."

"Of course. And one more thing," he calls out just as I am about to reach the door. When I turn towards him, he says, "My daughter. While she's still a little rough on the edges, please rely on her."

"That goes without saying. I am sure your daughter will continue to be an invaluable asset to the Academy." With that said, I take my leave. I close the door behind me and briefly scan the hallway. Finding that it is empty, I rest my head against the wall and close my eyes as my exhaustion catches up with me. I sink down to the floor.

This concludes yet another taxing conversation, one that has gone on much longer than I would have preferred. Even so, this meeting has been very productive as I have added yet another potential ally to my plan.

"Hey."

When I open my eyes, I see that Suzushiro-san is standing in front of me. I had not heard her footsteps approaching, which means she was here from the start. I must have missed her; I am more tired than I thought.

"It is impolite to eavesdrop," I say halfheartedly, not caring that she has caught me in a moment of weakness. I suppose this is not the worse state that she has seen me in.

"I didn't hear anything. You were taking a long time so I came to check on you."

I doubt this is the full extent of her intention. The fact that there are no maids in the corridor likely means that Suzushiro-san has sent them away. She has purposefully cornered me.

"Where is Natsuki?"I ask.

She scoffs and crosses her arms when she hears your name. "She's in the back with Yukino."

"I see."

"My father didn't ask anything strange did he?"

"Nothing in particular. We merely solidified our agreement."

"Oh," she replies, unconvinced.

"Suzushiro-san, if this is not important, may we talk tomorrow? I really am quite exhausted."

She reflects on my words and I can see her struggling with her thoughts. Finally she walks to my left side and sits down beside me.

"You don't have to say anything—just hear me out. This is the only time I'm going to say this, all right?" When I don't reply, she takes it as her cue to begin. "I've talked it over with Yukino the last few days. She didn't tell me the full story, but I'm starting to get a better idea of what happened. I've been thinking the entire situation over this week and I admit I may have reacted too hastily and I see now that I did not respond properly to the gravity of the circumstances. It is merely…I just felt constricted back then without you leading and there was only so much I could do without you, you stupid buzubuke woman! Seeing you slacking off made me furious and I got a little ahead of myself—not that you're excused from so ardently breaking the school rules or acting in a manner that is wholly not becoming of the Student President. But that's not what I wanted to speak to you about. I was and I keep contemplating whether or not I gave you the benefit of the doubt or maybe if I did something different or...

Watching Suzushiro-san rant animatedly, her gestures flailing about in a similar manner as her words, I am strangely comforted by her awkward attempt to apologize to me. Though it is clear that our hostility towards each other has not completely subsided, I am relieved that she is still willing to speak to me like this. The explosion between us had been so well-crafted by Reito-san to bring out our worst yet, despite everything, I suppose the fact is that Suzushiro-san and I intrinsically do get along with each other. We simply never acknowledge the fact we respect one another despite our vast differences.

I suppose that is why I can't particularly fault her for what happened in the garden and it appears she is of a similar opinion. In the end, our stances were simply extensions of our ideologies back then and we were always, at least, vaguely aware of each other's. She has always known my priorities just as I knew hers. So as she sits by my side, trying her best to communicate this fact and her willingness to work together despite our different points of view, I can't help feeling strangely pleased. Maybe it is because so many of my old ties are cut—to find one that has not completely frayed is a happy occasion.

"Suzushiro-san."

"…and what I'm trying to say is, I know where you were sort of coming from, so I just think maybe if the situation was better or I just—

"Suzushiro-san."

"That is why I think we have a chance, if we worked a little harder, even though we—

"Suzushiro Haruka-san."

"Therefore, what I'm trying to say is…"she looks up from her rant, finally hearing me patiently call out to her. "Yeah? What is it?"

"I'm counting on you, Suzushiro-san."

It takes a minute for my words to fully dawn on her. When it does, the smile she gives me is one that shines even brighter than the lights in this empty corridor. She vigorously nods before thumping her chest proudly.

"Yeah, just leave it to me."

I can't prevent myself from smiling at her response. It is one of the few—if not the first—true smiles I have given her. I don't fully understand why, Natsuki, but I am relieved. I am relieved.


	11. Chapter 11

**Natsuki**

Suzushiro only left a minute ago and I can't take it any longer! What's taking you so long, Shizuru? You can't possibly have that much to say to her dad, can you? Yukino and I've just been standing here in the backyard and I had enough! I'm coming after you!

I march up to the door that leads back into the estate. I'm about to yank it open when Yukino calls out to me.

"Wait," she pleads.

My grip on the handle tightens. "I'm going," I say stubbornly. "I'm not going to leave her alone with Shizuru."

I should have done this sooner—I shouldn't have even left you alone with her father in the first place. Twenty minutes have already passed before Suzushiro went to check on the two of you. And what was I thinking not following her immediately after she made that bullshit excuse? I can't let anything happen to you—like hell am I going to let anything happen or something like that night repeat again. Not after everything, not after what I promised to myself. I'm not going to—

"Please wait," Yukino says more forcefully as she grabs onto my arm.

"Let go of me!" I shout as I jerk away from her. She catches my arm again and holds it with a surprisingly firm grip.

"I said wait!" she screams and the force of her exclamation causes her to bend down and drag me with her. "Haruka-chan doesn't mean any ill-will. She just wants to apologize!"

I pause at Yukino's words and I can feel my panic lessen as I reconsider what happened tonight. I'd just spent most of this night listening in on your conversation first with Suzushiro and then with her dad. There wasn't really anything I could have said since most of the talk about the school's restoration and business didn't involve me. But I caught enough of the weird animosity that Suzushiro's dad had for you to make me nervous. Even more, with you being in the state you're in, I know anything can happen. I left you alone with him because I knew I couldn't do anything to stop you. But Suzushiro? After everything that has happened between the two of you? I'm not going to take any chances.

But now Yukino's saying that Suzushiro wants to apologize. I know she's been acting a little different tonight, that she wasn't acting completely belligerent but still…

"Does she really want to apologize?" I ask skeptically.

Yukino looks away from me before she shyly nods. "She does. Haruka-chan has been planning to for a while now."

"Why though?" I demand. "She didn't seem that forgiving when she first saw us at the meeting."

Yukino's eyes widen. "That's different though. We spent the last week making our own school reconstruction plans. And then, when Fujino-san sent us hers this morning, Haruka-chan, well...she…"

I've seen you one up Suzushiro enough times to read in between the lines of Yukino's words. Suzushiro must have exploded when she first saw you at the library considering that and everything else that's happened in the last few days. Her initial outburst was probably driven more by habit and gut instinct than anything else. Yukino's clarification also explains the weird atmosphere and tension between the two of you. Since we got here, I've noticed that you weren't acting as distant as you usually do around her and she wasn't pushing you as hard as she normally does. So, maybe things aren't as bad as they were before? Maybe you two are finding some sort of common ground right now? I mean, I did catch you giving her that olive branch during your speech at the library and you did so again tonight so I guess you were planning to patch things up with her from the get-go. And if Suzushiro's receptive to your idea and is willing to reconcile than I suppose it's fine.

"I see," I say reluctantly before removing my hand from the door. I decide it's better to leave you alone with Suzushiro since you two obviously have some things to resolve. At the same time, I still can't help worrying about you, Shizuru. I know she's going to bring up the events that happened that night and, if you're not ready to answer than you're going to be put into another bad situation and—and then what am I supposed to do?

As I continue to fret, Yukino seems to be gathering her thoughts. Shifting her weight from side to side, she then speaks.

"You know. Haruka-chan's always working hard, she's always trying to do what she thinks is best. Even though—

"It's not like Shizuru isn't either!" I shout as I feel my irritation explode again. "She's nearly worked herself into exhaustion planning this stupid project! And she's always like this: even though she's always smiling and acting careless, that girl's always working harder than anyone knows. It's because people expect it of her that they don't see her struggling and they take her work for granted!"

I don't know where this conviction is coming from, or why I'm saying these things I've never said before—hell, I never even thought of before. But I can't help it. Not after what I've seen the last few days, not after I've seen you fighting with yourself, Shizuru. I can't help remembering the first time I saw you in your apartment a couple days ago and how pale and weak you were. And I remember that night in the garden, about what I overheard Suzushiro and Yukino accuse you of doing. And now that Yukino's doing it again it's not like I'm just going to stand there and let her trivialize your effort! Not after what I've seen, not after I know the lengths you'll go through to follow through with your decisions.

I can't get that image out of my head of when I first saw you this week, of you all alone in the dark, collapsed over all those papers. I can't believe you worked so hard over something no one else would care about…and I refuse to let people make light of your effort! Not Suzushiro, not her father, not Yukino—no one has that right.

Yukino flinches as my words and shrinks back. "I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that," she says.

"It's fine," I snap back. As I do, I have to wonder why I'm acting so touchy. I mean, I never worried about you like this before. So why am I getting so worked up now?

Yukino shuffles and then looks meekly away from me. I leave her alone as I continue to think.

Urgh—damn it, I hate this! Why are we even here, Shizuru? I can't believe you brought us—you brought yourself here after everything that has happened between the four of us. I know for a fact that you're not yourself and now am I really going to leave you alone with that person who drove you insane?

Even as I think this I can feel a sickly realization dawn upon me that stops me in my tracks. My stomach churns and I can feel my frustration dissolve into this disconcerting pool of apprehension. I can't help sighing as I lean against the door and cover my face with my hands.

No—what I thought before, it's not right—if I look at this from what I know now, I know that it wasn't Suzushiro who drove you to that desperation. That wasn't what drove you insane—it was me. I did that to you, Shizuru. It was my rejection that caused you to shatter as you did. You only lost your composure when I appeared in front of you and you completely lost it when I flinched from your touch. I was the one who caused you to lose your carefully poised control. If I hadn't been so weak, if you hadn't come to my aid…if I didn't need your help…I wonder if things could have been different.

It's so bitterly ironic, Shizuru, how our relationship has played out. I mean, all these years I kept thinking to myself that I didn't have anyone to rely on. I thought I didn't have anyone close to me whom I could trust. Even when I found myself using you for information, when I spent time with you and spoke to you, laughed with you—I constantly tried to discredit what you really meant to me. I tried my best to push you away and deny how close you were to me. I said it was because I didn't want to get you involved…and yet, there you already were. There you always were, Shizuru, standing and waiting patiently behind me. You made sure to always be there when I fell and I ended up relying on you without ever properly acknowledging you. I spent all this time ignoring your feelings and never once fully appreciated the friendship and help you so freely offered to me. I told you not to concern yourself for me, but I never pushed you away either. And now, because of my selfish ignorance, I know I've done such a horrible thing to you, especially now that I know you also were a HiME. I forced you into a corner; I forced you to hide away from all of us. This year, while I was able to open up and talk freely…while I could make friends with Mai and the others, share with their woes of being a HiME…you were reduced to the shadows. You could only watch from afar with no one to rely on but yourself.

Even though I kept saying that I didn't need anyone's help, I know now that I was constantly supported by you, Mai, and the others in reality. It was only with the kindness I received from everyone that I was able accomplish as much as I did. I could never have gotten that far if I had actually been alone. But you, Shizuru…damn it, my actions caused you to really have no one. You had to go through the entire HiME ordeal not just by yourself, but you also had to worry about me as well. I can't even begin to imagine what it was like finding out about the fate of the HiME and having no one to turn to for support. That kind of heavy weight…it's no wonder you snapped under all that pressure.

Yukino clears her throat and the sound knocks me out of my daze.

"Um…"

"What?"

"You seem to care a lot about Fujino-san."

I try to respond but I feel my voice lodge in my throat. I shake my head and rid myself of my worried expression. I'm a little taken aback by Yukino's sudden words and I guess my face probably revealed what I was thinking about. Still, it's not like I've really talked about this kind of thing before to someone else. But I know what she saying is true: I do care about you, Shizuru. I know that much and I don't care who I admit it to.

"Shizuru means a lot to me."

Yukino blinks in surprise before she looks down to the floor. "I see," she says finally. "I never thought you would say that."

"What did you expect me to say?"

She shrinks back but replies, "From what I saw that night—

"A lot has happened since then," I hastily interrupt as a nervous feeling rises in my chest. It's like embarrassment or something similar. I shift uncomfortably before I cross my arms. I hope Yukino catches on that I'm done talking.

She does and immediately shuts up. I suppose I'm grateful that Yukino has always been observant. But still—argh, where are you Shizuru? What's taking you so long?

I fume for a little while longer before I catch Yukino sitting down at one of the nearby tables. She's fidgeting and her gaze is timidly pointed down at her lap. As I watch her, I have to admit I never paid any attention to her before since I don't have patience for the shy types. I always considered talking to her a waste of time. The only thing I thought that was remotely useful about Yukino was her power. Still, I suppose the fact that very little escapes her eye is her strong suit. Even more, when push came to shove, she still had the nerve to stand up to you. I suppose that counts for something.

"Hey Yukino, what do you think of Shizuru?" I ask.

For a moment, she's dumbfounded by my sudden words. "W-What—why do you want to know?" she stutters.

"Um, well, you're on the Student Council with her so you must know about her, right?" I say nervously before laughing at how stupid I sound.

Despite my laughter, Yukino's expression remains grim. She grips her right forearm tightly and it takes me a second before I realize she's grabbing the spot where her HiME mark was. I remember seeing it that time when I dragged her away during the night of the apartment fires. She looks at me over the top of her glasses and searches my face. I don't know what she sees, but she finally says:

"Fujino-san is a very beautiful person, but she's always so cold. Not just to Haruka-chan…she always acts like she doesn't care for anything or anyone. Even though she smiles and acts kind, you can see her resentment."

"Her resentment?"

"Even though she always acts polite, you can tell she's just saying what she thinks you want her to say and she hates you for making her say it. She's always so far away. Even when…even when Haruka-chan tries to reach out to her, Fujino-san always rejects her. It makes being around her difficult. I don't understand why Haruka-chan keeps trying to."

Unlike that time with Kanzaki, I don't try to rebuke Yukino's words. After all, I know what she's saying is true—I heard you admit as much earlier today. And it makes my head hurt: this logic of yours always confuses me. Isn't there a way for you to stop acting like this, Shizuru? Can't you put yourself over the expectations others have for you?

"But for some reason," Yukino continues, "Fujino-san seems to latch onto you and hangs off your every word. The way she looks at you, the way she latches onto you, even now when—

My fist slams into the door and the loud thud startles Yukino.

"I-I'm sorry. I said too much," she meekly says.

"It's fine," I say distractedly as I retract my hand. "I asked you anyway."

We're silent for a while. My sudden anger fades but I can't shake the nagging feeling that's looming over me and it gives me a headache. I know I was afraid of what Yukino was going to say—I had this impression that I wouldn't be able to handle the words that were going to come out of her mouth. The events that transpired that night and all my nightmares of them—I'm still not ready to face them at all. And the reality of what happened that night and Yukino's accusation…I…I rather hear it from you than from her, if I really have to. But still, all those horrible thoughts aside, seeing how Yukino's in front of me, I still have to ask her:

"Do you hate Shizuru for what she did?" When Yukino doesn't respond, I then say, "We don't have to talk about this if you don't want to."

Yukino doesn't say anything for a long time. The look on her face is apprehensive before it finally hardens into determination.

"I don't hate her," she says simply. After a few more minutes, she then blurts out, "I can't stop thinking about what happened that night! I've gone through what happened over and over and no matter how I think about it, even though Fujino-san made Haruka-chan disappear, I can't blame her for it. I—I blame myself!" Yukino shouts before she clutches her head. "Now that I know that it was Kanzaki-senpai manipulating me all this time—he was toying with me, sending me all that mail…he made me go after Mai and then forced me to bring Haruka-chan to where you two were hiding…I hate myself even more. Kanzaki-senpai knew I wasn't strong enough to go against him. He knew what would happen when I went after Mai just like he knew what would happen when Haruka-chan and Fujino-san would meet! And I couldn't do anything to stop him. I couldn't do anything."

"That isn't your fault. We were all played by him."

"It is though!" Yukino insists. Her voice has been growing steadily louder and more frantic as she spoke. Now tears are in her eyes and she's close to screaming. "I hate that I wasn't strong enough to say no. He used the fact that I was a coward and made me do things I should have known better not to! In the end, all I could do was stand by Haruka-chan. I thought I could protect her, but she still protected me even though she didn't know anything. I don't deserve to stand by her. I don't deserve to be her friend."

With that said, Yukino collapses into her arms and starts sobbing. I stand with my hands helplessly at my side as I try to figure out what to say to her. When no words come to me, I decide to walk towards her. I fish out the bag of tissues in my pocket and offered it to her.

"Sorry," I say awkwardly.

"N-no, I shouldn't have shouted like that," she hiccups as she takes off her glasses and wipes her eyes. "I…I guess I've been holding that back for a while."

"Yeah."

"H-Haruka-chan…this week, she was still so kind. Even though she wanted to know everything that happened, she was fine with me not telling her anything and instead tried to cheer me up. She even convinced me to start with our own reconstruction plans for the academy. I just couldn't tell her about how I acted, about all the terrible things I've done. N-not while she was acting so kind and smiling so brightly at me."

"We've all done things we aren't proud of, you know?"

She simply nods and finishes cleaning her glasses before putting them back on. "Thanks for listening to me," she says quietly once her breathing slows down and she stops sobbing.

"Like I said, I asked you about it so it's fine, okay?"

She laughs quietly before handing my tissues back and thanks me. I pocket them.

"So how is Fujino-san?" she asks.

"Shizuru's holding up, I guess," I answer truthfully. I suppose I owe Yukino as much since she's been so frank with me. "She's been struggling and I'm honestly worried about her."

Yukino nods sympathetically. "It's hard to tell with her since she acts the way she does. I did notice she seemed paler than usual and that she's lost some weight. I'm glad that you are with her."

"Yeah. Shizuru needs someone by her side, I guess."

"That's good to hear."

"Um…yeah," I say as I rub the back of my head. I wonder why I'm suddenly embarrassed. "Anyway, what about you and Suzushiro?"

"What about me and Haruka-chan?"

Shit. I just realized my conversational error and I try to recover. "Well she was your most precious person and you mentioned before that you didn't tell her anything and, um, well…"

Yukino stares at me for a second before she laughs at my flustered look.

"Like I said before, we're doing fine. Though talking to you, I think I'm going to try to be more truthful to Haruka-chan. Though—ah!" she blushes, "we're not like that!"

"Not like what?" I ask.

"Not like you and Fujino-san." By now, Yukino's blushing furiously. "We aren't…you know…"

"Aren't what?" I bewilderedly repeat after her. Then I suddenly realize what she's talking about. "Wait! Shizuru and I aren't l-lovers or anything like that. I mean, she did confess to me and all but it's not a-anything like that really! Geez," I exclaim as my face turns as red as hers, "where did you get that from? I don't like Shizuru like that."

"Oh, I just thought—

"You thought wrong!"

"S-sorry."

We both self-consciously turn away. I feel like such an idiot. Urgh, this is why I hate trivial conversations! I'm no good at these kinds of things.

Yukino suddenly giggles and I look up from my mortification. She then smiles kindly at me and says, "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For talking to me like this. I was worried that after everything's that's happened, we'd never be able to go back to how it used to be. I thought you would have a grudge against me, but that doesn't seem to be the case."

"I honestly never considered it. I've been more concerned with other things."

"Kuga-san is surprisingly kind. Most people would hate me for what I've done."

"It's not like I'm completely blameless so I don't think I have the right to point fingers. Besides, that stuff's in the past."

Yukino smiles again before she stands up. When she does, her posture seems different from before and the way she's looking off into the distance makes the atmosphere around her seem more dignified than she usually is. Despite her eyes still being red from crying, I can see a determined expression in them. I'm not sure why, by I'm struck by the sudden change.

"I…more than anything, I want to be able to proudly stand by Haruka-chan's side. I don't want to be protected by her anymore—I want to be able to stand as her equal. Talking to you and watching you tonight made me think I can do that. So thank you, Kuga-san."

"I'm not too sure what I did, but yeah…I'm glad you've made your decision."

The conversation quickly dies when the back door slides open and you and Suzushiro walk out of the mansion. When your eyes meet mine, it's as if all the thoughts in my head completely disappear and all the tension in my body completely disperses. As I walk towards you, I have to suppress my elated urge to run.

What is it about you, Shizuru, that causes all these feelings to arise in me? Just seeing you invokes all these emotions I'm not too sure how to express. All at once I am happy to see you; I'm relieved that you don't seem to be that worse for wear after your conversations alone with Suzushiro and her dad. I'm glad that you're all right and are now here before me.

Because I don't know how to articulate any of these things, I instead say to you, "Geez, what took you so long?"

You smile kindly at me and I'm struck by the way your hair moves as you tilt your head, the way it frames your gentle expression. The way you look at me now is completely different from how you looked not a second ago. It's like your mask completely melted off. I can see relief in your eyes, but when I take a closer look, I also see your exhaustion and it makes me worried.

"Thank you for waiting for me," you whisper.

I take a step closer to you as if to embrace you. However, before I can, I spot Suzushiro and Yukino in the distance and hesitate. I settle for just laying one my hands on your shoulders. The gesture makes you smile before you cautiously overlay your hand on mine. I simply enjoy the warm radiating from your palm and fingertips for a brief moment before I speak.

"Let's go," I say quietly. When I hear your confirmation I then break our contact and call out to Suzushiro and Yukino. "We're heading back now."

Suzushiro nods. "Get going. I'll see you tomorrow, buzubuke woman."

From the side, I can see how your face instantly transforms again to your mask of politeness before you turn and bow towards her. "I will see you both tomorrow at the meeting, Suzushiro-san, Kikukawa-san."

Yukino nods before she waves at me. "Thanks again, Kuga-san."

I mutter my own farewell before walking to where my bike is parked. I grab my helmet and hand you yours.

We've done enough tonight and I'm more than ready to call it a day. When I feel your arms wrapped around my waist, I can feel all the tension that had been building up this night fade away. Even when I was talking to Yukino, there had been this feeling in the back of my head that pestered and to me that something was amiss. It made me unable to commit to the conversation as I should have been. But now that you're here, my worries have been reassured and I find myself being able to think more clearly than before.

"Come on, Shizuru, let's go home."


	12. Chapter 12

**Shizuru**

When I enter my apartment, a sudden feeling rises within me. It is one that I cannot place. An internal feeling of pain without actual pain, a nervous feeling that jitters across my spine, an uncomfortable shifting and swirling of impatience in my stomach because I know something is not quite right—it is that kind of sensation. It is something like that. It is something that makes me feel as if I'm not myself and that the world around me spins off rhythm. Or maybe the one who is off is me. I'm not sure what it is, Natsuki.

Despite the meetings today being overwhelmingly positive—especially to a degree that I could never expect— I still find myself irritated to the point of self-contention. At least, that's what it feels like to me. I am both tired and incredibly restless.

Today has gone on for long enough, I decide as I take off my shoes. Much has transpired. This morning, I went shopping with you. Later in the day we had that meeting within the Library followed by the one at the Suzushiro estate. Each one of these events was taxing in their own ways, and the last two were unnerving as well. I suppose that explains my current mood, I conclude as I walk to the kitchen and set the elder Suzushiro's gift on the countertop. I must be exhausted from everything that has occurred.

I move without thought towards the couch and lay down on it. When I bury my face into the cushions, I feel the scratchy texture of the cloth against my cheek. I can also smell your lingering scent, Natsuki. It reminds me of the fact that you have been sleeping here the last two days. Your scent is familiar and reassuring—it is something I have deeply ingrained into my memory years ago. Oh how long has it been since we first met.

Now that I think about it, it's strange that you are here now. You always refused to stay at my apartment before. All of ours sleepovers took place in your apartment. No matter how late we stayed out, you always insisted on driving back to your own place despite it being farther away on campus. Once, when I asked you about it, you brushed it aside saying you preferred to wake up to a familiar ceiling. I'm not too sure I understand but I suppose we all have our idiosyncrasies.

Even so, the thought now bothers me. What has changed now, Natsuki? This will be the second night you have slept over. Why are you forcing yourself to be with me? I know your apartment must not be in the best condition however—

"Tired?" I hear you ask me. By the proximity of your voice, I can tell that you are sitting close to where I lay. I can also hear the affection in your voice as you address me. Perhaps it is due to my exhaustion, but I do not understand why it's directed at me. Or maybe it is because I can't understand it, not while I am like this. Your voice confuses my already muddled senses as you have never spoken to me like this before, not with such honest kindness. I have heard from you the many facets of your personality: I know the sound of your cool indifference, harsh disgust, and abashed embarrassment however this…this fondness afflicts me with something I cannot understand.

Because of my confusion, I simply turn away and curl deeper into the couch. You laugh at my actions before moving closer. I feel the couch sink as your weight is added to it.

"You're acting childish, Shizuru."

"I don't care."

You chuckle and I feel the weight of your hand on the top of my head as you playfully pat it. A brief second passes and then your hand brushes through my hair, slowly untangling the few knots you come across. Even though your touch is unexpected, I still find myself relaxing into it. I close my eyes and simply concentrate on the movement of your fingers and the way the tips comb through my hair like the barest glances against velvet. Your touch is surprising gentle given how rough you normally are and I can feel some of my frustration melt away because of your rhythmic caress. Although I lay like this, I can tell that your actions are unconscious more than anything else. My supposition is confirmed when you abruptly pull away, as if you were startled by your own touch.

"Can I start eating?" you ask, your breath hitching. I can almost hear your blush, but I am in no mood to tease you or consider the reason behind your actions. After all, I can't even pinpoint my own mood. What I feel now is a mix of lethargy and…and something similar to annoyance? I'm not quite sure what it is. Whatever it is, the feeling has dulled slightly because of your actions yet I am still ill at ease.

"Please go ahead," I reply.

You shuffle for a moment before I hear you stand up. "Actually, Shizuru, I'm going to make tea first," you say before walking into the kitchen. I do not respond and instead continue to rest.

A few more minutes pass before I open my eyes. I shift to my side so I can watch you. You are standing next to the stove, boiling water with the kettle I have acquired from the cafeteria. There are still a number of plastic and paper bags haphazardly scattered around the kitchen area: they are things we have bought earlier this morning that we have yet to unpack.

I had paid for all these items with the credit card given to me by the Rijichou-san. While the card was supposed to only be for transactions and specific interactions with our academy's supporters, I doubt she will mind that I have used it for an unintended purpose. My scholarship fund could not cover all my necessities as these student quarters only come pre-equipped with furniture. Besides, I suppose what I've bought could be considered academic supplies in a way since they are for school.

I continue to watch as you move around the kitchen and prepare our tea. It is only now that I wonder why you are doing so. Haven't we already bought drinks? They're your favorite too.

"Hey Shizuru, the tea's almost ready," you call out. When you turn around and see that I am staring back at you, you smile self-consciously. "You want some?"

"Yes," I reply before reluctantly standing up. I suppose I shouldn't allow you to do all the work, especially since this is my room.

I take our dinners out from the bags you set on the table. I then carry the bags into the kitchen and sort through the contents, placing everything that needs to be in the refrigerator in it. Once done, I then find the tray that I had bought earlier and hand it to you.

"Thanks."

"Do you need any help?"

"I'm fine," you say before setting the teapot and cups on the tray and walking back to the table. I follow after you with utensils in hand.

When I return to my seat, I see that you have already poured two cups.

"Here."

"Thank you," I say as I receive it. I then take a sip. The instant I do so I am surprised by the taste. You had used the gyokuro leaves that the Rijichou-san had gifted me and prepared them perfectly. When I look curiously up at you, you laugh.

"Did I do it right?"

"Yes, quite well. I am surprised," I say before taking another sip. I can feel more of my nervous energy dissipate as the familiar taste of tea washes through me. This is much better than the one served at that mansion.

The proper preparation of gyokuro, especially the way I prefer it, takes a good deal of thought. The quantity of leaves in each pot, the temperature it is best steeped in, and the time the leaves are steeped in the tea—these all have to be carefully accounted for. And you have done so, Natsuki. I am particularly impressed with the temperature of the tea. I prefer it prepared around 110°F. This gives the tea a stronger flavor than what is usually recommended. You have managed to get very close without a thermometer which is quite impressive for someone who only drinks tea when she is with me.

You laugh again in relief. "I'm glad I remembered."

"You remembered?"

"Yeah. You taught me a while back."

"Natsuki, that was nearly two years ago."

"I'm always drinking tea with you and…well, you gave me that box too, a while back."

"I was under the impression you were going to give it away."

"I, uh, lied." When I turn to look at you, you blush and stammer, "I didn't remember the brand you would always get and if I asked you would…you would give me that look you're giving me now! Mou, Shizuru, stop it!"

"I didn't know you liked tea," I gently tease.

"It's healthy, all right!"

"I didn't know Natsuki is so mindful with her health, especially since she's eating mayo all the time."

"Shizuru!" When I only giggle in response, you huff before breaking into a smile. "Geez."

I return your smile before taking another sip from my cup. It seems like I'm always learning about you. Just as I think I've learned all there is to know, you seem to always surprise me with a different side of your personality—a different nuance of your expression. And as we sit here like this, I find that I am glad—I am happy that we are here. I am happy to be alive again.

The time I share with you now is precious as it is something I never expected to have again. I had thought that, in the moment I chose to embark on my campaign to destroy everything that stood in your way, I no longer would be able to laugh with you like this. Now that our lives have resumed and the days begin to trickle past us, I am very relieved to find you still at my side. The time we now share is something truly precious. Regardless of my own insecurities, I know that my time with you is important to me. It must be valuable to you as well considering all the effort you have spent on me. These last few days must have been hard on you, Natsuki.

I still have difficulty ignoring the fact that you have been overly conscientious of me. I have tried my best to not dwell on it since there were other things that require my full attention. I am still not too sure how to react to your concern. A part of me is elated by this fact: your words—your continual pledges—have brought a great deal of relief to me. And yet, there is another side of me that cannot trust your words. It's not as if I don't believe you, Natsuki—I just don't trust myself. After all, there is much that I am still holding back.

I know better than anyone that the more you restrain yourself, the more you cannot contain your base desires once that restraint is depleted. Once it is depleted, there is no control left to suppress those hungry fires. This is especially true for me given that my manufactured façade reacts badly to my inherent personality which results in my occasional outbursts. Even now I suppress my rage, my longing, and my supercilious temper. My current mood is likely a result of all that has happened. Now that I am home, all my emotional fortitude has been discarded leaving me in this uncomfortable state. I am perhaps a breath away from my limit.

Perhaps noticing my sullen mood, you change the conversation.

"So, after I left, how did everything go?" you ask, referring to the meeting at the Suzushiro estate.

"It was very productive. I was able to receive both of their support to a degree that I did not expect."

"That's good," you say before you trail off. "What about Suzushiro? She went to find you after a while."

"We chatted after my conversation with her father. It went well."

"Really?" you ask skeptically.

"Yes, really," I respond. When you lean closer to me, I can't help smiling at your earnestness. Perhaps it is because of this, I find myself revealing more to you. "For our own reasons, we find no fault in each other's past actions. She…she does not blame me."

Even as I say this, I cannot hide my own incredulity. I was focused on our conversation at that time, but the fact that Suzushiro approached me as she did is a source of wonder. Instead of denouncing me like I expected her to, Suzushiro-san instead proceeded to empathize with me. She purposefully approached me with the intention of redressing our broken ties. She did what I never thought she would: she apologized to me in spite of the fact that I was the one who killed her. I never thought such a thing could happen. I never expected it.

Human emotions are a strange thing. The way one reacts, the way one responds to another person…perhaps I was too hasty in my negativity before, Natsuki. I suppose I am still learning about this world and it is much too early for me to condemn it.

"Shizuru?" 

"After all of this, I suppose I should be kinder to Suzushiro-san," I say quietly, more to myself than to anyone else.

"Yeah…"

"Were you speaking to Kikukawa-san? I heard a loud clang coming from outside earlier."

You frown before looking away. "It's nothing. We just disagreed about something."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing! I mean, she said nothing," you repeat in a softer tone, looking unsure. "I just disagreed with something she said." When you see that what you have said has not pacified me, you then say, "It doesn't concern you."

"If you say so," I respond, deciding to relent. It is better that I remain oblivious to what she said. At the same time, I feel a sinking feeling in my stomach. Did Kikukawa-san say something about my conduct? That intrusive girl…I'll—

"Sheesh, Shizuru, I said it was nothing! She was complaining about how your plans made hers and Suzushiro's useless. I just told her to shut up." 

I smile without looking at you and instead stare at my undulating reflection in the teacup that I am nursing in my lap. I know that you are lying but I am still touched by your attempt to ameliorate my fears. Once more I am reminded by my exhaustion: judging by your expression, you saw my anger sharply spike to the point my face revealed my ugly thoughts.

"Thank you," I say emptily.

"Um…yeah." When I don't respond, you decide to change the subject. "So, I've only heard bits and pieces but what is your plan for Fuuka?"

"Do you really want to know? It's rather complicated."

"Yeah. It's going to affect me, isn't it?"

"It will be indirectly for the most part. But," I sigh as I set my teacup down on the table, "I suppose I should explain it, especially the parts that concern you."

You look at me curiously and I can't help smiling at your expression. Despite my distraction, I still can't help admiring you. You really are too cute, Natsuki, with your round cheeks puffed up by the slight frown on your pink lips and the bridge of your nose scrunched up in concentration. You look like a puppy that I just want to pet and reassure. 

"Most of my plan is self-explanatory as it continues the narrative we've set out since the start of the school year and the events that happened since the explosion at the bridge. Even though the attack Searrs launched against us was concealed for the most part, I plan on revealing some of their intentions and fabricating the rest."

"What do you mean?"

"The Student Council was told by the Searrs military that they were investigating terrorists who blew up the bridge, fled to the school, and possibly carried bioweapons. This was so they could lure out the HiME. Their excuse is not known outside of the Student Council as the entire situation was hushed by the media acting with the guidance of the First District," I say effortlessly. "I plan on using all of this to my advantage: if we twist their explanation and make them appear to be the terrorists, no one would know the difference. If we therefore say something like they were investigating old relics from the war and used the explosion at the bridge as a cover up…I suppose we can use that to explain quite a few things that have happened in the last year."

"So that explosion in the mountain, the fires Mai caused…"

"Yes. They can be retroactively attributed to Searrs's presence. We can even say they dug up old land mines and triggered them one way or another."

"But that excuse isn't going to make people return. They'll avoid Fuuka more if they think something dangerous is here."

"Correct. That is why we invite the Japanese Self-Defense Force and perhaps the American army as well to investigate. They will confirm the academy is now safe, the terrorists were found, and all the traces of Searrs' activity have been negated. Any further out of place destruction can be explained by the army operation or their skirmish with the terrorists. What more, to pacify the students, we will also establish our own defenses."

"Our own defenses?" 

"Yes. Fuuka Gakuen has always hinged on the principle 'for the students, by the students," I say in response to your baffled look. "It is thus only natural that we begin training our own students using government resources and create our own self-defense force in response to the attack."

"Like anyone's going to let that happen!"

"That is why we use the First District's influence," I explain patiently. Your back instantly stiffens and you stare wide-eyed at me. I can't help my own expression from falling in distaste as I remember my own response when the Chairwoman mentioned this alternative to me. Nevertheless, I continue speaking. "They are alive. The Rijichou-san confirmed that she resurrected them."

Honestly, I can't believe I didn't consider it before the Chairwoman told me. When we were revived, Natsuki, I saw the Sister and Ishigami-sensei before us. Judging by their stance, I suspect that the Sister had killed them both. The fact that she was brought back along with Ishigami-sensei means that the Queen of Hell's influence was larger than what I once considered. She can even resurrect people whose essence was not stored by the Obsidian Lord. I also recall that she mentioned Alyssa Sears in her conversation at the meeting earlier today which means she too has returned from the dead.

"They're…they're all alive?" you repeat again in disbelief.

"Yes," I say promptly before you can become further distracted. "Reito-san has also confirmed that they are still under his command and they will agree to oversee my plan. We can therefore utilize their connections within the Japanese government to garner necessary resources and concurrences."

"But that doesn't mean the American military's going to let you unless…wait, Yamada told me that Searrs has enough power to influence the next president. That means they have ties to the government as well. So, if they don't want to be revealed, they'd have to acquiesce to whatever you say and help push for Fuuka's militarization. Shizuru, you're…you're going to use their own power against them."

I smile self-indulgently at the awestruck look you give to me. I am pleased at how quickly you have caught on. As expected of my Natsuki. I take another sip of my tea before continuing, "With all of this considered, Searrs is thus forced to allow us to militarize our borders and agree with whatever statement we present. And we will be the first ones to present our story to the public as the First District will not speak out and neither will Searrs as I doubt they are willing jeopardize their entire organization just to chase us. This is for the best since we no longer have our HiME power to protect ourselves with. If we cannot defend ourselves, we should therefore have other contingency plans. And so Fuuka Gakuen will not be so easily attacked again as now the entire country—if not the entire world's—attention will be on us and we have our own form of self-defense as backup. 

"Even more," I continue pleasantly when you continue to look at me with astonishment, "this also forces most of the students to return to the campus as they will otherwise look like traitors and cowards for abandoning Fuuka. I suppose we might even see an influx of new students in the coming years if we establish ourselves as a premiere military school. And, if we must, we can also include the bioweapon excuse Searrs made to ensure that all the students return for testing."

"Shizuru…"

"Now that we have Suzushiro Construction working on our behalf, we can also use them and our students' own efforts to speed up the reconstruction of the school," I absentmindedly continue. "And if Reito-san and I can guarantee a spot on Fuuka Gakuen's Board of Directors for Suzushiro-san's father, than the First District's influence on the school will also be lessened. I am sure he will be incredibly bothersome for them and a useful confidant," I say with a pleased smile. When I look back up at you, however, my smile immediately fades.

Your wide-eyed confusion has narrowed into a nervous suspicion that is tinged with fear. You gaze is unbearable—it reminds me of the glare you gave me before our battle. I close my eyes and turn away from you. I try to forget how your honest, straightforward green eyes burn straight through me. What is within your gaze is too much for someone like me who is so accustomed to twisting truths and manipulating outcomes to my advantage. They make me far too aware of my own personal downfalls and bloodied hands.

It is then that I realize how merciless my plan must sound to you: you likely see how each group is forced to comply with my wishes. Searrs, the First District, Reito-san, the Suzushiro family, the students and teachers of Fuuka Gakuen—they will all be presented the option of either agreeing to my plan or else risking some version of ruin. You are intelligent enough to pick up on the things that I have purposefully glossed over. You have even seen me building the foundation of my empire of manipulative deceit in the way I've threatened both Reito-san and Suzushiro-san's father. For someone like you who has spent most of her life trying to uncover treacherous ploys such as this, to find the person sitting in front of you—the person who you once instinctively trusted—planning her own conspiracy must feel like yet another betrayal.

But I can't stop now, Natsuki. I will go forward with my plan regardless of what you think of it and what you think of me. After all, this is all I have left of me. No—that's not true.

"There is something else I'd like you to know," I say quietly.

"What is it?"

I probably shouldn't have brought it up, but I did say before that I would tell you everything that concerns you. The trepidation inside of me rises. It's like a scratching at the back of my mind that insists to be brought up. I know that I am walking on the path of my own destruction, yet I cannot stop it. "It is about the First District," I say. This instantly gets your attention and you look cautiously up at me. "As part as my agreement with them, they've agreed to give you access to whatever information you desire."

Your eyes instantly widen. Whatever was left from the calm atmosphere between us has now completely dissipated. The pressure continues to intensify. "What?" you suspiciously demand.

"Though I destroyed most of the First District's grounds, I purposefully kept their data center intact. It will take them time to sort everything out. When it is restored, however, they have agreed to provide you with anything you request."

The way your expression falls causes my heart to pang. You're disappointed in me. I know you are. I have shown you more of my ugly side. My current behavior reinforces my actions during the Carnival. Even if I haven't killed anyone since my resurrection doesn't mean I am suddenly incapable or unwilling to do so. You have likely inferred this much.

"Why? Shizuru…why?"

Your question remains heavy in the air. I know what you are asking beneath your clumsily stated demand. You are asking why I would still go to such lengths to achieve my means. And I am…I am not sure how to answer that question, Natsuki.

I remember my parting words the other day when you were leaving Mai-san's apartment. I regret baiting you as you must think my connection with the First District runs deeper than in actually does, especially now that I have also revealed my blood relation to them. At the same time, I had no choice. As I am now, I only have one path to walk. After all, even for all my misdirection, my motivation has never changed. And despite any of my misgivings, I choose to continue on. After all I—

_Natsuki, I want you to know that I'm always thinking about you. _Have I not spoken these words to you before? Have I not told you this? I told you that I am always considerate of what you desire and I promised to get rid of the things you disliked and I am nothing if not consistent to my word. I preserved the First District's data center on the off chance you would be interested. Even when I lost my mind, I retained you in it. The driving force of my being has always remained the same. Even now it is so; even now everything I do is because of you. It is all for you, Natsuki. And yet—

"My agreement with them entitles you to that data," I say as I try to push my thoughts aside. "It is up to you if you want to make use of it. Reito-san will introduce you to the ones you will need to see."

"Kanzaki will?" you retort, "what about you?"

Uncertainty continues to grow inside of me. It gnaws at me and scratches against my inner walls as you look at me with a mix of trepidation, fear, and antagonism. I know I should not have brought this up but I could not help it. And now that we are discussing it, I cannot stop it. My head aches.

"I am not affiliated with the First District. I know very little about how they operate."

I barely remember their faces, really. I simply murdered everyone in the vicinity of the grounds Nagi transported me to. One by one, person by person, limb by limb. My approach was calmly systematic. I felt nothing but a serene sense of achievement that night. It was only after the fact that their terrified screams and agonized cries registered to me as the cacophonous sounds that make up the theme of my terrifying nightmares.

"What about your grandmother?"

"I have yet to speak with her since her demise. I plan to the day after tomorrow."

You do not respond and instead turn away from me.

Something inside of me continues to stir. There is pressure in my chest, constraining my breath. Unable to bear the sudden intense pressure I am feeling, I stand up. "I am tired. Good night Natsuki. I will eat in the morning. We can discuss this at a later time."

"Shizuru!" you demand as you stand up. "You can't just leave like this."

"Goodnight, Natsuki," I repeat as I turn my back to you. I know this childish avoidance will not help me. It leaves me open to more of your inquisition. But I don't know what else to do against this sudden onslaught of emotion welling inside of me. I can't face it—I don't want to face it at all.

Before I can walk away, I feel your hand on my shoulder as you pull me violently back. When I turn to face your heated glare, I find my own irritation growing in spite of myself.

"I said, 'Goodnight, Natsuki," I state coldly, my voice low and threatening. The tone I use is the same as the one I had used to kill.

Your hand tightens painfully on my shoulder before you take a step back and let me go.

I walk to my bed and lay down on it. I yank at my red tie off and tug at my collar to loosen it before pulling the bed sheets over my body. Yet even though I had loosened my collar, I feel as if the noose around my neck is still slowly constricting. My head hurts as my mind continues to churn as I see how my past, present, and future actions weave before me. This pulsing inside of me is growing stronger and stronger.

Despite these quiet days passing by us, the fact remains that I have not changed. I am still the same person who killed for you and I would do so all over again. When I go over my recent actions, I realize how much this still holds true. I have no stipulations or illusions of myself: I know that I am not a good person. I know that I can do anything to suit my goals whether they involve you or not. People mean nothing to me. You mean—no, you should mean nothing to me. You belong to me, Natsuki, so your will is lesser to mine. I will do things you hate because you are mine.

And yet…and yet there you are, Natsuki. There is the fact that my love for you changes that as you make me want to be a better person, someone who is able to proudly stand by your side. I want to be with you in your brilliant light, not hidden away in my own pitiful shadows. But if this is true than it means…it means that there is more to me, more for me to consider. You make me question the previous assessment of myself and I am someone who knows—who has to know—myself well. I need know what I consist of; I need know what I am made of. Yet these dueling, contradictory feelings continue to stir inside of me until they rise and spread across all that I am and bring me to a state of unknowing—something I completely despise. My eyes shut tightly as I turn onto my side as I try to contain the inexplicable rage and frustration that boils inside me.

I hear you pacing in the living room before you growl. The door then slams furiously shut as you stomp out. A couple minutes later I hear your motorcycle roaring into the night as you drive away from me.

Oh Natsuki, Natsuki, Natsuki. How I love you, Natsuki. I focus on this and yet at the same time I cannot. Back during that wretched night, it had been easy to make my choice, to swiftly cut through anything that stopped me. Yet now it is difficult. Yet now it is…incoherent. I don't know what to feel let alone articulate it even to myself. I care for you yet I now distance myself from you. The reason why escapes me and yet—

It comes back to me now, crackling and burning brightly in my mind. This uncertainty that I have tried to contain this past week continues to gnaw at me and the frustration rises within me like bile, streaming through me as I grow both more panicked and enraged. My mind overloads as my chest heaves, the muscles in my arms tense as I want to lash out at something, someone. Yet as I always have, I try to restrain it, chain it, and bubble it inside of me. I am not someone who screams into pillows or throws temper tantrums. I am not someone who does things unplanned. Everything has a place. Characteristic to the name I bear, I am one to stay silent in regards to the things that plague me. At the same time—

The elder Suzushiro's words come back to haunt me. Within the few minutes of our conversation he had easily seen through all my guises. And so, he questioned me and my motivation. Even though he had no proof of my involvement with the destruction of Fuuka, he still intrinsically was able to piece together enough to question my character. And you were there, Natsuki. You must have made the same conclusions as him, especially with all that you now know.

The layers of my defenses will be—and had been—pulled back and I will be uncovered for all that I am. It is inevitable that you will see me for all my bad habits, my unpleasant personality, and my destructive faults. As you have demanded it, all that I am will be revealed to you. And I wonder what will then happen. At the very end of this, I wonder who you will see me as when I am dyed in the color of your judgment.

The pounding in my head—this uncomfortable feeling—dulls into a furious roar. Contradiction upon contradiction falls upon me like knives. This cannot last. This cannot last. Something will soon give—I just don't know what it will be.

This night continues to silently rage on.


	13. Chapter 13

**RE:Caterina - ** Thanks for the comment you left in the reviews. I always like meeting people who are passionate about MH and are willing to discuss different interpretations (as there are many valid ones). I don't want my authorial intent to drive anyone's interpretation, you didn't leave a way for me to contact you back, and I don't think it's appropriate for me to respond to you in the review section. Therefore, I'm going to create a forum for this story and hopefully you check back! I take your concerns very seriously and would love to hear from you or anyone else on what they think of the story so far. ~fireclaw

* * *

**Natsuki**

I don't want this. I don't like this—I hate this. I don't want this at all, Shizuru. This thing—just what is all of this, Shizuru? Why is this all happening? These thoughts keep pounding in my head, pulsing like focused torrential blasts over and over again as I run out of the apartment.

Damn it, Shizuru! Damn all of this. This entire thing since we've been reborn is like a tide deceptively drawing back only to crash harder than ever before. I get lulled into this kind of almost peace with you only to be met in the face of—of—

I feel like we were getting—like we were finally making headway—only for you to shut me out again. Maybe it's my fault for reacting your plans the way I did, but seriously, that was huge! How'd you expect me to respond when you blurt all that stuff about the First District to my face? And the way you did it, so cold, so uncaring, and so calculating and—

Urgh! I don't want this. I hate all of this. This, this, this—just what is all of this? What are you playing me for, Shizuru? What do you want from me? Do…do you even know what you want from me?

This last thought stops me in my tracks and I look up to your room. The lights are still on. I guess you never bothered to close them after I stomped out. You're probably still sulking in your bed. Just remembering that cruel expression on your face is enough to make me shiver. I don't know what would've happened if I stayed there. When you looked at me with those cold eyes, my hands just shook—I probably would've hit you and—

I know there's nothing I can do now so I start the engine of my bike. I have to get out of here. I can't stand this place any longer. My mind's like this spiraling whirlpool of confusion and doubt that just keeps turning and turning and pulling me deeper into the cold waters of my insecurity. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't even know why I am doing all of this. It just builds up and builds up inside of me despite all my efforts and—

Unable to contain it, a frustrated growl escapes my lips. The sound of my anger is melds into the roar of the engine. I get on my bike and drive out of this stupid campus.

I have no idea where I'm going; I'm just driving purely on instinct. I'm probably lucky that no one else was on the road as my hands are still shaking.

I decide to stay at the first hotel I see in the city. The rent's cheap and I don't bother turning on the lights in the room before I crash into the bed. Sleep doesn't come easy to me because there's this thought that keeps nagging me. It keeps eating away at me and—and what am I supposed to do? I thought everything was going well. I thought we had an agreement, that we had an understanding. But I know now that I misjudged you. I must have, somewhere down the line this past week. I was too quick to forgive you, to see all your good parts when I know I should've addressed that cruel side of you as well. Maybe if I could of helped quash it, suppress it, but then how…how could I?

Urgh! I don't understand why people are so difficult—why can't you understand me, Shizuru? Why can't I understand you? I just want to say "fuck it" and give up on all of this, but then I know that's not possible. I started something and I'm going to finish it, even if it's the last thing I do!

These thoughts continue to tear at me until I pass out from the mix of exhaustion and stress.

When I wake up the next day, I don't feel refreshed at all. Judging by the clock, I find that I slept until noon. I doubt I'll get any more so I get up. If you ask me where I stayed, Shizuru, I wouldn't be able to give you the name of the place or even what the furniture looked like. I leave as abruptly and as preoccupied as I came.

Despite everything, I still find myself heading back to Fuuka Gakuen. I know running away won't help me. I need to find you to get all this sorted out. To get rid of all these thoughts in my head. But when I get back to your room, I find that the door is unlocked and no one is there. I remember then that you said something about planning to be at a Student Council meeting for most of the day.

A sigh escapes my lips as I consider my options. I decide it's not a good idea to barge into the meeting like I usually do when I want something. You guys are probably going over the school reconstruction plans and, more importantly, you need the distraction from your own troubles. Even though I don't like it, you seem to take comfort in this project of yours. Seeing that look in your eyes last night when you talked about it, that the sense of clarity it gave to you—I can't take that away from you. I recognized that gleam as one that my own eyes had, back when my desire for revenge consumed me. That's definitely something I can't take away, especially when I have nothing to offer in return. I know how it felt when I got my own sense of purpose ripped away from me and I can't do that to you.

As I resign myself to the fact that I won't see you until later and get ready to leave your apartment, something catches the corner of my eye. There, on the living room table, is a meticulously prepared breakfast. I see that you've laid out rice, natto, a raw egg, pickled daikon, grilled mackerel, and a bowl of miso soup. It's a traditional Japanese breakfast all-in-all. There's also a small plate of diced sweet potato that reminds me of the meeting you had with Suzushiro's dad.

The food throws me off guard. Except for the on the one or two school trips I attended before my mother died, nothing like this has ever been prepared for me. At most, I usually eat a slice of toast or convenience store bread if I eat anything at all. Even when my mother was alive this was true since she was always busy with work and my dad never came home if he could help it. So, to find all of this prepared for me is a huge surprise. There's also note propped against the bowl of rice. "For Natsuki—I'm sorry," it read.

I can't help smiling at the note. Your writing is effortlessly pristine and it makes me recall the rumor that the school's calligraphy teacher cried when he first saw your penmanship. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that the banner than hangs above the auditorium stage was written by you. After I got to know you, I found that I could recognize parts of your personality in those bold, yet restrained curves that proudly declare the schools motto of "Living Honestly to Achieve Your Aspirations."

This gesture of yours oddly endearing and it relieves me as well. It's so you in the way that, behind this elaborate presentation, is your almost timid gesture of sincerity. You had no way of knowing that I'd come back yet you still prepared all of this for me and even apologized for the way you acted before. I know how rare it is for you to honestly ask for forgiveness so I appreciate it. I grab a pen from nearby and scribble a messy "Thanks" on your note before I start eating.

Everything's delicious, of course. I know from experience how good your cooking is. You tend make stuff for me on weekends—usually something around noon before we go shopping or dinner afterwards—and the things you make are always traditional. All these little touches to the meal reminds me of you like the way the rice is deftly packed into the bowl with no stray grains sticking to the side, the perfectly cut squares of tofu, the taste of your favorite brand of miso, and the way the bowls are set together with the same ritualistic care as tea ceremony utensils.

I clean the dishes after I finish eating. I figured it was the least I could do before I leave. Having no place in mind to go, I decide to take a walk around the campus.

The afternoon sun greets me when I walk out and I can feel the heat against my skin. Since Fuuka is in the southern area of Japan, I doubt the weather will get much colder in the upcoming months. The only places we get snow is way up in the mountains. It's a bit of a pity for me since I like the cold. Despite being born in and named after the summer, Ice is my Element, after all.

Unsurprisingly, the areas I pass through are pretty much devoid of movement. Though it's a strange sight after living on this campus most of my life, there's another thing that bothers me. I find it odd how clear my mind is. I mean, this walk is purposeless; I don't really have a goal or anything in mind right now. And this aimless movement and thought is unusual for me. I used to always marching towards some bigger picture—I was rigidly fixed to my goal and inflexible to any alternation. The world seems different now—more open. The scenery around me seems more inviting—the atmosphere is more relaxed even as I walk around this empty campus. It's like a veil has lifted from my eyes or that my eyes that once only saw in monochrome are now seeing in color. I'm still not too sure it's a good thing or not, Shizuru, but I suppose I have to accept the change. Like I noticed before when I first returned here after the Carnival, I know my priorities have changed. I'm no longer compelled to do anything. Sure there's you, but I don't know how this all fits together: me, you, the rest of the HiME, the school—our future. It's just one answerless question after another. I'm not too sure that I like having no way of answering the questions I have.

As I approach the Crystal Palace, I see a couple trucks parked nearby and group of adults in huddled together. Their bright yellow helmets and blue uniforms make it clear that they're construction workers. When I get closer I see that Suzushiro's dad in standing at the center and barking orders over a map of the campus. He catches my curious gaze and gives me a hearty wave. I respond with a nod before I alter my course. There's no point to interrupting their work.

I'm surprised to see how quickly everything is moving according to your wishes, Shizuru. I know neither of you were joking around yesterday but the fact that he's already here in person fills me with a mix of hope and awe. I'm hopeful that the school's reconstruction will succeed and I'm awed by the fact that you had the power to make a multi-million dollar CEO drop everything to do your bidding. I doubt many people—let alone high school students—could do that.

Between that and your breakfast, I feel much better than I did before. I don't doubt that this broken land will be healed. Fuuka Gakuen will get its second chance. And, maybe along the way, we'll also have ours as well.

Now that I can think about what happened last night more rationally, I guess I let my emotions get to me. I can see how that you tried to reach out to me, and the implicit trust you put in me when you revealed all the things you never spoken to other people about. After everything that happened this past week, I should have given you the benefit of the doubt. Still, you should've realized how much of an impact the First District has on me. It didn't help that you framed everything like you were blackmailing everyone into working with you.

At the same time though, I think I'm starting to understand how your mind works and why you framed this project the way you did. You mentioned last night about how you were raised to be the way you are—that you learned how to seek out other people's weaknesses without showing your own. You also said something about losing yourself in your own words if you're not careful. If that's the case, I wonder if you didn't know how to communicate your plan in any other way than making it sound like coercion. I mean, I can't see how your actions would be self-serving: from the sound of it, you don't have much to gain from all this work. It doesn't seem like you're getting paid either; you're also not going to be recognized since the credit is going to go to the maid. This entire thing sounds like more trouble than what it's worth. From the way he was grilling you last night, I think Suzushiro's dad noticed this as well. You also said before that the whole point of you working on this was because "it was easier to think of a solution than be reminded why it was needed." Wait a second—I think—

…damn it, Shizuru. Why could you just say that you're acting out of kindness and your weird sense of obligation? It would've made it a lot easier for everyone. Then again, I doubt you even see it that way. But I know better now. In these past few years, I've seen you reach out with the same purpose you do now and never once considered your actions to be out of compassion. You don't just act this way to me, but a bunch of other students like how you brought Tate into the Student Council after his accident. It's not a weakness, you know, helping people out. It's one of the reasons why you are so popular. Everyone knows that you can be counted on to act for the greater good.

Oh well. These human errors—the roughness in our attitudes and interactions—I guess these things take time to change. As long as we're willing to work through the misunderstanding caused by them, I'm sure they'll become less frequent. I want to believe in that, Shizuru, so I'm going to. Like what you're doing with this campus, I'll follow your example: if we can focus on the future, maybe we can use them to work out our past. I suppose that's the only thing we can do.

I end up heading to the park on the outskirts of the campus. Though the grounds are mostly unharmed from the fighting, you can still see in the distance multiple charred patches of the forest. Even farther in the background, you can make out the scarred mountain path. The land shows the wear and tear it has gone through since this year began.

I continue my trek. The autumn wind blows and I can feel the grass at my feet brush against my ankles. It really is a nice day. As I walk down one of the hills, I spot Mai resting against the side of it. When I get closer, I see that her eyes are shut.

"Hey," I call out to her when I get nearer. It takes a while for her to stir. She must have been napping and I have to call out to her again before she wakes up. When she does, her eyelids snap open and she grins at me.

"Natsuki!" she cries out happily, leaping up and pulling me into a quick hug. "It's great to see you!"

Her smile is infectious and I can't help sharing it while I return her hug. "What are you doing here?"

Mai laughs and rubs the back of her head embarrassedly. "Well, I guess there're only so many times you can clean an apartment, you know? There really wasn't anything for me to do so I figured a walk might be nice."

"Where's Mikoto?"

"She's with Kanzaki-senpai. Apparently there's some kind of Student Council Meeting going on? She took him to it."

"Yeah, Shizuru's there too."

"Oh? That reminds me, I saw a bunch of people on campus today and there was a guy with this really impressively pointy beard," she gestures with her hand.

"That's Suzushiro's dad."

"Hehe. They share quite the resemblance."

"They're here to survey the damage. Shizuru made an agreement with him yesterday that his company would work on the reconstruction. I guess he doesn't like wasting time."

"Like father, like daughter, right?"

"Yeah. Shizuru's trying to get everyone committed to her plan. Everything seems to be moving quickly so far since there haven't been any disagreements."

"Kaichou-san is impressive as always," Mai hums. "You know, I'm still surprised by how much power the Student Council has. This really isn't a normal school at all."

"I've been here all my life so I can't judge what's normal or not. But I have heard that academy's system attracts a lot of talent since we're the only school in the world that lets students run most of the administration. Fuuka U. is also the only university that is managed entirely by student organizations."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Once of the reasons why our programs are so well funded is because about a fourth of Fuuka U.'s students are headhunted the moment they graduate and they're all in senior positions by the time they're 30. I remember reading in one of Shizuru's financial report that about 40% of our annual revenue comes from private sector donations and individual contributions alone."

"I can't say I'm surprised. There are some really special students here."

"That includes you too, Ms. Scholarship Student."

Mai laughs at this before she lies down. "I don't know if I count," she says self-consciously. "Especially because why I got the scholarship."

The mood gets serious and I can guess that Mai's thinking about what happened during the Carnival.

"You doing okay?" I ask as I glance at Mai's downcast eyes.

"I guess so," she replies mulling over her thoughts, "It's just a lot to take in and I still haven't really registered it all."

I sigh before I sit down next to her. "I know what you mean. So much has changed, but somehow it hasn't."

Mai nods before she looks up at the cloud-filled sky, "It's strange how quiet it is now. Mikoto's always with Kanzaki-senpai these days, Takumi with Akira-kun, and Yuuichi hasn't contacted me in days. After all of this, I'm not sure what to do with myself. You can only clean an apartment so many times, you know?"

When I look at Mai, she seems more quiet and withdrawn. I guess we've all been handling the aftereffects of the Carnival in different ways.

"Are you lonely?"

"I don't know—maybe? I mean…I've spent all my life caring for other people and I thought that was it, you know? That was who I was supposed to be. But in the back of my mind, maybe what Nao-chan said was true. Maybe I resented my responsibility and I just wanted to be seen as a good sister…but I don't even have that now so it's kind of like—what do I do from here?"

She's rambling and I don't mind. There's something refreshing about Mai's personality that I instinctively trust. I can reveal to Mai in seconds the things that took years for me to spit out in front of you, Shizuru. After all, I found myself depending on her more and more this year. Judging by the things she's revealing to me, she feels the same way. Despite the conversation turning seriously, I still find it easy to talk to her and match her wavelength. We've been thinking similar thoughts all this time.

"I know what you mean. You know how obsessed I was with destroying the First District and getting revenge for my mother. And now…I don't know what to do with myself."

"Guess we're both in the same boat, huh?"

"Yeah, and I promise I won't sink it this time."

Mai takes a moment to absorb my comment before she bursts into laughter. "Really," she giggles, "who would've thought that the girl I thought was going to kill me the first time we met would turn out to be my best friend?"

"Wait, I'm your best friend?"

Mai looks as surprised as I am at her own comment. She then sits back up and hums thoughtfully, "Hmm, I guess so. I mean, when I am with you I feel like I could say anything, you know? I just shared all those worries I've been holding in all week without being afraid of what you'd think of me. Isn't that how friends are supposed to be?"

I think this over. Everything that Mai just said was also true on my side. But, if Mai's my best friend…what are you to me, Shizuru? You always encouraged me to open up and I wouldn't be the person I was if it wasn't for you. But the rapport we have is different from what I have with Mai. With you, it seems like nothing is easy. So…what are you to me?

There's this memory I have of you that I cling deeply to, Shizuru. Back when we first met and you forcefully inserted yourself into my life, I asked you why you bothered with me.

"_It's because I like you, we're friends aren't we?"_ The way that you said it was so carefree and honest—just like how Mai said it seconds ago. The simplicity of your statement had startled me because I was unused to anyone's kindness, but I liked it because of how simple it seemed. But now things are different. What's between us is no longer carefree, honest, or simple. The secrets that we hid from each other have caused us to move farther and farther away from each other until we are what we are now. We can't hold a conversation without it turning uncomfortable.

When I look up, I see that Mai is peering at me with concern.

"Are you ok, Natsuki?"

"I'm fine…I just never thought anyone would consider me their best friend."

Mai smiles absentmindedly as she plucks at the grass. "It really is strange how all of this has turned out. Kanzaki-senpai offered me the world and now….now I just have this."

The wind blows and takes with it the tiny pieces of grass from her open hand. We watch as the pieces are carried away.

_We just have this_, huh? Now that I think about it, I never really cared about the now. I was so focused on regaining—avenging—my past. I never saw what was in front of me, even when there was a prize offered. Come to think about it—I think most of the HiME were like that. Mai was probably the only one of us who ever really considered the end result. Despite the fact we fought in the Carnival, no one really fought for the prize that Nagi told us about. We all just fought from a gut reaction—of wanting to protect what we _had_—not what we could have. I guess you couldn't blame us since none of knew what the power was given to us was for until it was too late.

Actually, that's not quite true—in the end, Mai fought to win the Carnival. She fought, she won, and she could have had it all. She could've changed the world to suit her ideal. And yet, she didn't take it. She chose to not reshape the world according to her ideology. So now, for all of us, we all have…this.

"Do you regret not taking the offer?"

"No." Mai's responds instantly.

I smile before I shrug, "Then there's no point thinking about it any longer. You made your decision."

Mai looks at me with wide-eyed shock before she laughs. "You make it sound so simple."

Her statement makes me smile before I say self-consciously, "There's nothing about me that makes things simple."

"Still, thanks Nastuki."

"Sure."

We're silent for a little while longer before Mai says quietly, "So…how's everything with you and Shizuru?"

"Am I that obvious? Yukino asked me that too."

"Well, it's clear that something is bothering you and I remember that conversation we had before…before you know."

I sigh before I think back to everything that has happened since I last talked to Mai alone.

"A lot has happened between us. I don't…I don't know what to think."

Mai stays patiently silent as she waits for me to gather my thoughts.

"Hey, Mai? How did you know with Kanzaki and Tate?"

"What do you mean?"

"Um…" I can't help blushing and looking away. After a while, I manage to spit out, "Like how did you know you liked them?"

I can feel Mai recoil from my question out of the corner of my eye. However, she takes my question seriously. "Eh…well, they're both attractive and Kanzaki-senpai was really princely and he was always kind to me. So I really admired him. And Yuuichi was always there...I mean, I found him annoying, and he's a perverted idiot—but he always knew how to cheer me up when I was feeling sad so I really counted on him and found myself relying on him. For a while, I was really torn because I liked both him and Kanzaki-senpai in different ways. I guess I finally realized that I liked Yuuichi more when I started to worry about him. And after that kiss with Kanzaki-senpai, I found myself hesitating and thinking about Yuuichi. So...um, does that answer your question?"

"Not really."

"Ah…mou," Mai complains as she slaps her forehead. "I don't know how to explain it! I guess you know when you like someone is when they're all you think about. And you find that you want to—and you can—kiss them? That's it—you know when you like someone when you think you can and you want to kiss them!"

"Is there another criteria?" I ask quietly. Mai looks straight into my eyes and I quickly look away, blushing uncomfortably. For some reason, I'm suddenly remembering the softness of your lips—the hotness of your breath on my skin. I shift nervously.

Mai's eyes widen and she shoots up. "No way!" she squeals. "Natsuki!"

"What?" I say panicking and hyperventilating as I scramble away from her and her prying eyes. She's suddenly way too close to me and I feel my closely guarded bubble being breached.

"Don't tell me you two already kissed! So did she kiss you or did you kiss her?" she bounces before she leans closer.

Urgh, how did the conversation turn this way? And why is Mai giving me that stupid grin like some stupid high school student? Wait, we're high school students but…butt—argh! My heart starts beating wildly and I suddenly feel like a cornered animal that's seconds away from being captured. Mai's peering at me with the stupidest grin and I almost want to shield myself from her gaze. Unable to take the pressure, I mumble, "…both"

"What was that?"

"I said 'both!'" I shouted before blushing and covering my face in my knees. Mai's squeal was insufferable.

"Hah! I knew it, I knew it! Kuga Natsuki, you are that way!"

"I'm not and it wasn't like that!"

"Oh? Is this one of those cases where the lady doth protest too much?

"No! It's just, I have this impression she kissed me while I was asleep and…and maybe did more than that," I say quietly. Mai's face instantly falls. "Shizuru killed for me, because of me, and I get the feeling that she would do it all again if she felt she needed to. And that scares me and I…when I kissed her, it wasn't like that. She defeated me when we fought, said I belonged to her, but after all of that…when she finally caught me, she just took me in her arms and looked at me with that helplessly kind expression of hers. Even after all she's done, everything she said… she still had the nerve to look at me like she's about to cry and when she did that I just couldn't…" I trail off, unable to contain my emotion. I bury my head into my knees again, trying to suppress all the conflicting feelings inside of me.

Minutes pass in silence before Mai pats me comfortingly on the shoulder. "It's okay, I shouldn't have teased you. I should've known it would've been like that."

"I really don't know what to do, Mai," I plea, "I care about Shizuru a lot—she's all that I think about these days, but I don't know how to handle her at all. I don't understand her."

I hate how stupid and weak I sound, but I can't help it. All the things that have been welling up in me all week are suddenly released and I find myself revealing it all to Mai. She takes all of this in without judgment before she stares up at the sky. After a while, she says finally:

"You know, Natsuki, maybe you're making things more complicated than they really are."

Of all the things she could say, that threw me off.

"What?"

"Maybe it's not worth thinking too much about all the little details. I mean, just look at me: I spent so much time agonizing between Kanzaki-senpai and Yuuichi and where did that leave me? In the end, I chose Yuuichi and I don't regret it but here I am. Do you see Yuuichi next to me? Despite all those cool words he said, he's still been busy taking care of Shiho-chan and is at the Student Council meeting instead of being here with me. I've been alone for most of this week and I spent so many days agonizing and waiting for him, but did that change anything? No! Ah!" she shouts, shaking her head before standing up. "It really bothers me that I've seen Nao-chan more than I have him this past week. Stupid Yuuichi!"

"Mai?" I ask cautiously. I'm not sure how to treat her outburst.

"Sorry—actually, no, I'm not sorry! But uh, what I'm trying to say is sometimes it's not worth over-thinking things. I realize it now: sometimes it's not worth trying to be overly considerate."

"Yeah…"

Mai smiles almost motherly at me before she squats down to pat my head. "It's different for you and Kaichou-san, I suppose. By the sounds of it, you two are trying your best and that's all that matters. You know, we spoke for a while after you left."

"Really?"

"Yep. She said a lot of mean things to me and even threatened me. And then she tried to force me to take you in."

I gave her a startled look. Suddenly the way she acted two days ago when I brought Mikoto back made sense, "Sorry."

"What are you apologizing for? Anyway, I thought about Kaichou-san's words and then I kind of realized that's just how she was." When she looks at my baffled expression, she continues. "I've had a lot of time to think lately, and I came to the conclusion that's how Kaichou-san shows how much she cares. It's kind of scary and a little strange, but I don't doubt her intention was genuine. She asked me take care of you because she felt she couldn't."

"That idiot…sorry"

"Why are you apologizing for her? You're not Shizuru-san. Still I don't think it's a bad idea. You can stay with me if you want."

"Thanks Mai, I'll think about it."

Mai grins happily and it's the first time in this entire conversation she looks like herself. She sits back down before she says, "I kind of like this. I feel like I could talk to you forever."

"Yeah. I feel the same way."

"You've helped me come to a lot of conclusions too."

"Really?"

"Yep!" she says before clenching her fists together empathetically. "I've decided! I'm not going to care about what that stupid Yuuichi is doing! Or what Takumi or Mikoto want to do with their lives—I've made my decision. I'm going to start living for myself and enjoy the things I want to!"

We both laugh at this and I say to her, "That kind of thinking suits you."

"What about you, Natsuki? Is there anything you want to do?"

"Um…" I think about what Mai has said, "I guess want to be more considerate to others."

Mai smiles encouragingly at me before she giggles. "You know, it's strange how our positions have swapped since the start of this year. I was always too concerned with other people and you didn't care what others thought. Now look at us."

"…yeah."

Mai pauses for a second, before she studies me carefully. "Say, Natsuki, about Shizuru-san, does it bother you that she's a girl and she likes you?"

"Not really. I told you before I didn't have time to think about love. Now I…" I pause in mid thought, trying to think of what to say.

I told you, Shizuru, back before we died that I couldn't have the feelings you wanted from me. It was—and probably still is—true: I'm not sure if I want to know how it feels to love someone. I know I'm still apprehensive of the emotion and how irrational it and the crazy things people do because of love. I turned you down because I knew we were both going to die. The most I could do was to show I was grateful for your emotion.

Since the start of middle school and the whole puberty thing, I've always turned away the confessions and love letters I got from both boys and girls. I didn't—and I still don't— care about any of that. But with you…it's difficult. I turned you down but I still can't completely ignore you. Every single time you say something to me, I feel like I'm compelled to answer you in some way.

"I still don't know what to think," I finish awkwardly.

"Well, if you don't know what to think, why not try at least try it out? It can't be that bad."

"Isn't that disingenuous? I'm not going to lie about what I feel."

"Mou, Nastuki, you're as thick as Mikoto when it comes to these things. And here I am giving love advice while my own is in shambles."

"It's not love advice!"

She ignores my retort and gets up. "I still think you should give it a shot. I mean, if you're asking me, it means you're at least considering it. Anyway," she says as she stretches and pulls out her cellphone. "I think we should head back. Mikoto and Kanzaki-senpai are coming over for dinner so I should start preparing. Oh, if neither of you have plans, you and Kaichou-san are welcomed to join us. Just let me know in advance so I can prepare more food."

"Ok. Thanks Mai."

We walk back towards the campus. As we do, we see Suzushiro's limo drive past us. Yukino waves to us but the vehicle doesn't stop. It looks like the meeting ended earlier than expected. As we get closer to the high school, we can see Tate far in the distance as he heads in the direction of his dorm. Mai frowns at the sight but makes no move to chase after him. Just then Kanzaki and Mikoto come out of the building. Mai freezes before she waves at them.

"Mai-san, Natsuki-san, it's a pleasure to see you both," that guy says as he bows in his wheelchair. Mikoto wordlessly leaves his side to give Mai a hug.

"Kanzaki-senpai, this is a surprise," Mai says as she affectionately pets Mikoto's hair. "I thought I wouldn't be expecting you for at least another two hours."

"Considering the scope of today's agenda, I thought so as well. However, there was less discussion than I anticipated as we all agreed on Shizuru-san's arrangements for the most part. We thus ended early to work on our individual action items."

"That's good, I guess," Mai says with a laugh.

"If you don't mind the intrusion, would you mind if I came over earlier than planned?"

Mai glances over at me. However, before I can say anything, he smoothly turns to me.

"Natsuki-san, I think Shizuru-san is still in the Science Laboratory wrapping up. Knowing her, she has likely traveled to the Student Council Room by now."

I can feel Mikoto's unblinking yellow eyes on me and I can't help frowning at his words. "Fine," I spat out as I head towards the building. I can feel anticipation and unease build up in my stomach. His words are implicit enough that I can catch his underlying meaning. I wonder what happened now with you, Shizuru.

"Um…let me invite Nao-chan and her mother over to keep you company while I cook. I'm sure it'll be boring just waiting for me," I hear Mai say behind me.

I feel a little bad for abandoning her, but I can't ignore that slimy guy's words or that odd look in Mikoto's eyes. If something has happened to you, Shizuru, or whatever crazy thought is in your head now—I'm the only one who can be there to help you. That's the only thing that matters right now to me. The last thing I hear before I enter the building is Kanzaki's reluctant agreement to Mai's offer.

When I head over to the Science Lab, I find only your belongings there. I guess he was right: you're probably in the Student Council Room. Before I leave, I curiously look up at the whiteboard. What I find there makes my eyes narrow and my fists clench.

I see your meticulously planned timetable for the next four months on the whiteboard. That's not what bothers me. What bothers me is, according to that thing, you're planning to head over to Tokyo in the next two days and stay there for at least three months. Anger wells into me. I slam to the door shut and I head over to the Student Council Room.

In the end, no matter where or who I turn to, I always end up coming back to you, Shizuru. So why the hell do you keep running away from me? I'm not letting you go without a fight.


End file.
